Laura's Rambling Thoughts

Question for fellow bloggers

2011-08-23T08:43:00.003-05:00

Not that I can really call myself a blogger at this point. How often does one have to blog to be considered a legit blogger?

Anyhoo, I am wondering what blog site you use, and why. I have Blogspot down pretty well, but I'm wondering if there is a better one for the next blog I'm starting. I want one that does not have advertisements, for sure, and one that is pretty user friendly. I would love your opinion. Thanks a gazillion! :)

Twenty-nine

2011-07-02T08:03:00.002-05:00

I wish I was a good story-teller, because the story of my 29th birthday is a pretty good one, and I know I can't do it justice, but here it is anyway.

Davin takes the day off work, and my parents (and Mary) take Dominic so we can go on a date. We start by going to Jared to look at rings. I lost my diamond ring over five years ago. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. We got a band to replace it, and we started slowly saving up for a new one. (No, we were not smart enough to have the first one on our home owner's insurance). Yesterday we were going to LOOK at rings. I never expected to get one. But we find the perfect band, and the perfect diamond, and, Wa-lah! I have a new ring. :)

Then we go shopping. I buy clothes that are not one, but TWO sizes smaller than I've been wearing. Honestly, as a day highlight, it was a toss up between this and the ring.

Oh, and lunch at Benihana. Yum.

We go to pick Dom up and are at my parents when The Storm starts. That was some crazy sh**. I start to feel anxious, and it gets worse when the power goes out. As soon as the sky lightens we head out. We start driving--- right into the storm. We stop at Lantto's because branches keep flying in front of us. When it seems to lighten up, we start driving again. We zig-zag through fallen trees and branches the rest of the way home.

We get home. I push the garage door opener. Nothing. The power is out. I go reach for my keys. Oops, no house keys- I left them inside because I didn't think I needed them. Davin's keys are locked in his car at the shop. Dominic is screeching in the back seat- it is past his bedtime and he is feeling like he has a fever.

Plan of action: bust into our house. For the second time. (The first time was when we were moving in- we found an open window and just had to knock the screen out). I have no idea what my part is, but I am holding a leatherman that is jammed in the door frame. Davin kicks in the door. I fly backward onto my a**, my shoulder hitting something and my arm scraping along something sharp on the way down. If I knew what our plan was, I would have picked the part of kicking a door in! But, whatever. We're in. We're soaked and sweaty and it's dark in the house, but we're home.

Dominic goes to sleep with out even one cry of protest. Poor boy is SO tired. I grab ice for my shoulder and we lay on the living room floor wondering if we should laugh, cry, or scream. I think we both just dozed off.

The power comes back on. I end my birthday by blowing out every candle we lit when the power was out. I may not have a had a cake, but I got to blow out a lot of candles!

The end.

Edited to Add: That was a really crappy telling of my birthday. But I'm still tired, so deal. :)

Coming up...

2011-06-30T10:01:00.003-05:00

It was recently pointed out to me that I haven't blogged since February. Oops. I have do have a post floating through my head. I will get it done this weekend. Promise.

Here's a pic of my babe- look how big and CUTE he is!!! :)

What you can know about my son's adoption

2011-02-17T13:02:00.003-06:00

Apparently, people are curious about adoption. It's not just our adoption- everyone I know who has adopted faces the same curiosities. The problem I have is the line there is between innocent inquiries and nosy and rude questions. There is definitely a line, and it is not always clear. The line lays at different places depending on who I am talking to. It is more faint to those I am closest to. It is closer to me, exposing more details. The less I know someone, the clearer the line gets and the further away from me it is. Adoption is new to a lot of people in my life, and I've been trying to figure out how much you can know:

Dominic is our son. We were chosen by his birth mother, T, a couple months before he was born. We met her and her family and fell in love. The birth father is not in the picture. Dominic has two biological sisters, one who we have spent time with. We are facebook friends with T. We send each other photos of our children via internet and text messaging. It is an open adoption. However, his birth mom does not see herself as Dominic's mother. He is our son, and that's the way she wants it.

That's it. That's all you need to know. To some of people there are chunks of information missing in our story. Big gaping holes, big bits of information. But I am hear to tell you, what you read is our story. It's what you get. What you don't get is 'why' Dominic's birth mother chose to place him into our arms. It is none of your business, and please listen to me when I say this: Do NOT ask anyone this question. Perhaps not all adoptive mothers feel this way, but it puts ME in an awkward position. In the past eight-plus months I have fumbled through this question, trying to find the proper answer. I was unprepared, and often ended up sharing more than I wanted, which I would later regret. My answer now is, and will always be: It is a personal decision she made, and we love her for it. We love her and her children like family.

Along the same line, do not make comments like, "Oh, he has been given a chance in life", or "He is much better off with you than his birth mom", or "Are you afraid she will come take him from you if you keep an open adoption?". The love that we adoptive parents feel for our children's birth mothers is incredible, and when you say things like this we take it personally. I am very defensive of T, and always will be. She is a wonderful human being, she is a wonderful mother, and if you feel the need to insult her, don't do it to my face. I will defend her tooth and nail, but let's just not go there, okay? (And a FYI to those who choose to judge freely, her tattoos don't make her a bad person. I mean, it's just ridiculous to make assumptions based on ink. Period.)

As for other details, they are part of Dominic's story, for him to tell. He will always know he is adopted, although we don't want it to be his identity. Much like you wouldn't expect an alcoholic to meet you by saying, "Hi, I'm Bob, and I'm an alcoholic", we don't want Dom's life to be, "Hi, I'm Dominic, and I'm adopted". If that makes sense...

As a disclaimer, I want to say I am speaking for myself. I have talked about this with several adoptive parents who feel the same way. But I don't speak for every adoptive mother. I know there are situations where children who were left abandoned, or the birth mother truly could not, in any way, care for her child(ren). I have heard of poor relationships between adoptive families and birth families. Adoption is a personal issue, and it is up to each family to place that line, to decide what they are willing to share. Don't cross the line. Think about what you are asking. Does is really make a difference in your life? Most of the time, probably not. So don't ask it.

All that being said, I am more than willing to answer general questions about adoption. Or about our story before Dominic came into the picture. Leading up to being matched with a birth family can be a crazy roller coaster, and there is a lot involved- the home study, the networking, the scams. That stuff I'm willing to share, because so many people in my life know so little about adoption, and I would love to educate them. But when it comes to Dominic and his birth family, just don't go there.

Thank you, sincerely. :)

Compromising With My Dreams

2011-02-05T13:53:00.004-06:00

Three of my biggest dreams:

1) Play "Know or Go" on Ellen's show. Meet Ellen. (I will settle for being in her audience and dancing with her.)

2) Have front row seat to a Black-Eyed Peas concert at a small venue. (I will settle for decent seats at a large venue.)

3) Vacation in one of those bungalows that are set over the ocean- the ones where you that have a glass floor in the living room looking into the ocean, and you can jump right off your balcony into the Caribbean. (I will settle for another vacation at a Sandals in Jamaica.)

I wonder if I compromise with my dreams if they are more likely to come true??? I know we're planning on going to Jamaica or somewhere else tropical next year! :)

Oh, and did you know The Black-Eyed Peas are playing at halftime at the Superbowl tomorrow??? Freaky, frickin' AWESOME!

Holy crap!

2011-02-03T14:04:00.005-06:00

It's been forever since I've blogged! Christmas was a freakin' lifetime ago! So do I do a Valentine's post, or should I just skip forward to the 4th of July? Oh, okay, I'll keep it current. Tidbits of my life between Christmas 2010 and now:

*Dominic is growing and growing. He has three teeth, with the fourth ready to pop. He loves to roll around the living room. He doesn't seem anywhere near crawling, but I'm okay with that. ;)

*I am doing my second 6-week Step Challenge through facebook. The first one was through the holiday season and I hurt my foot near the last two weeks. Spent a few days in walking cast. We're on week three of this challenge and I have had no pain- yay! I also started the Couch-to-5K program yesterday. My goal is to run a 5K this spring. There, I said it. I'm gonna run a 5K.

*I am back to practicing massage therapy! Who woulda thunk? Not me! But I love it, and it's my own business this time around so it's something new for me. I've been needing something for ME, and this does the trick!

*We are heading to Phoenix next week to see Dom's birth mom and his sisters. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. It will be great to see T and her girls, but traveling with an 8-month old doesn't sound appealing to me. But the forecast is in the mid-70's for next week, so who am I to complain?

*Gosh, my blog posts are boring. The only reason I had time to write anything is because my little college brother is watching the baby, and I have no massages scheduled, so I get to sit at Barnes and Noble and catch up on blogging. Too bad I don't have an exciting story to share, huh?

WAKE UP!!!!! (I'm done). Except for a current pic of the babe:

Merry belated Christmas!

2010-12-27T16:15:00.001-06:00

So Thankful

2010-11-24T17:57:00.003-06:00

I year ago today I was dreading the the holiday season. No matter how hard I tried (and I DID try) I could not get into the spirit of the season. It had been over six months since Kiya was born, and in that time we had heard nothing from any other potential birthmothers. I was weary of the adoption process, and cried at the thought of spending yet another Christmas without a baby. I come from a large family. Davin comes from a large famly. So holidays mean a lot of people, a lot of children. I adore all my nieces and nephews and enjoyed seeing them, but at the end of the day there was an enormous hole in my heart. By this point I was unsure adoption was going to work out for us. I thought maybe we would be the couple who doesn't have children and becomes the adopted grandparents to our nieces and nephews. I didn't want that. I cried for a child we could call our own.

A year ago today I had no idea that Dominic already existed. I dreamed of the year we would celebrate the holidays with a baby, but that is not something you can fully imagine if you've never been there. I sit here tonight and cannot believe my little baby is in the other room with his dad, talking and playing. I cannot believe tomorrow I will walk into my parents house, baby in tow. Santa will bring gifts to my child. It is all very overwhelming. I am not a mushy person, but my heart is bursting tonight. This is the holiday season I've been dreaming of. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for family- Davin's family, my family, our little family down in Arizona. I am thankful for Tia. She gave us the greatest gift, and I will treasure this Christmas season with all my heart.

Take time tomorrow to remind yourself what you are thankful for. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving ABC's

2010-11-23T16:12:00.004-06:00

Here are my Thanksgiving ABC's:

A) Adoption. The single best thing that happened for us.

B) my Bed. Love, love, love it!

C) Cok***, my hometown, where my dear mom and dad live.

D) Dominic, my favorite person in the world.

E) Ellen. (DeGeneres and Torm****). One brings laughter into my life, and one is a treasure of grandma.

F) Faith, Family, and Friendship. All near and dear to me.

G) Google. Makes my life that much easier. :D

H) Hugs. Even though I'm not a hugger. A hug from Davin can make all my fears fade, if even for a moment.

I) Idiots who make me look smart.

J) Jumperoo- it makes my baby so happy! :)

K) Ka****'s and Koi*****'s. Love my families.

L) Laura. I am thankful for me. (It took years of therapy to learn this one!)

M) Music. R&B, rap, alternative, pop, rock, Indie, reggae, relaxation intrumental...just not country or heavy metal.

N) Neices and nephews. I am blessed with many.

O) Olive Garden. Mmmm, that sounds good right now...

P) Patience, which I am still learning...

Q) Quilts??? They are cozy!

R) Running. Or my case, jogging-at-a-walking-pace.

S) SUNSHINE.

T) Tia. Need I say more?

U) Understanding.

V) Vegas. Or any warm vacation. Although, I'm sure you have to go the equator to find warmth right now.

W) Windows- both literal and figurative.

X) eXcitment. ???

Y) Yesterdays for their memories.

Z) Zoos. Especially the monkeys.

May your Thanksgiving be blessed!

National Adoption Month

2010-11-18T08:38:00.007-06:00

It's National Adoption Month. Obviously adoption is very near and dear to my heart, so I have been brainstorming all month about what exactly I want to talk about when it comes to adoption. There so many aspects of adoption and so many subjects I could choose. But the one that came back to me over and over was "Birthmoms". Birth families, really. For people who are not educated, or have not been exposed to adoption, there are major assumptions when it comes to birthmoms. She is a drug addict, she is homeless, she is a teenager, she is mentally ill, she is irresponsible and sleeps around, and has no compassion, much less love, for her baby. In some cases, these are true. But not in all. Not even close to all.

Along our adoption journey we were in contact with six woman who were considering adoption for their unborn child. Of those six, one was in drug rehab. The first one, M, had already placed her first child for adoption. She is my age and has a successul career as a manager at the company she works for. The reason she chose adoption was because she felt strongly about her child having two parents. We met with her and the birth father for dinner. This was our first time meeting with potential birth parents, and we didn't know what to expect. If you saw us half way through our meal you would have thought we just friends meeting up for dinner. They did have a long list of questions for us, and we answered all honestly. The meal ended with a hug (I am so not a hugger). They met with two other families. One they eliminated immediately. But we had to wait two LONG weeks while they chose between us and one other family. In the end they chose the other family.

The second expectant mother we met was only a year or two younger than myself. She had a drug problem earlier on, but had been out of treatment for several months. We met her and her boyfriend and fell in love with them. She also asked many questions- very indepth questions that made us think. It was very important to her that she chose a family who shared common opinions as herself. She did choose us. However, about a month before her baby was born, she and her boyfriend decided they couldn't go through with it. When she found out she was pregnant she kind of panicked and adoption seemed like the right thing to do. But when they were able to get over the shock of it, they had a harder and harder time accepting that they would not raise their child. I have stayed in touch with her and she and her son are doing great. She is going to school for graphic art design, and has a very successful career right now as a sushi chef.

The third expectant mother who we spoke with is also not much younger than myself. She already had four children and felt she could not afford to raise another. We only had contact via email and one phone call. Even though she said she would like us to adopt her baby, she said she was only 50% sure she would be able to go through with it. We said the risk was too high, especially because we had already had one failed placement. In the end she decided to parent. I am in touch with her on facebook now and she is doing well. She is going to school for nursing and working her butt off to make life good for her kids. She lives for her kids, and it is very apparent how much she loves them.

The fourth expectant mother who we spoke with, and who chose us, is the one who was in drug treatment. She chose us and then disappeared. She reappeared a couple months later, just a week before she was due. The reason we didn't hear from her is because she had relapsed and went into rehab. We met her at the hospital when she was in labor. We had our own room, and had the baby girl with us the first night. We still don't know exactly what happened, but the next day she decided she was going to parent. This was the hardest loss we experienced. We didn't even say goodbye to the baby. However, I am now friends with the baby's mom on facebook and she is doing great! She has been clean since before her daughter was born and is very happy with her new, healthy life.

The fifth expectant mother we were in contact with was a big mess. She was 21 (I think), and it was impossible to make a plan because she had no phone and limited internet access. I'm not going to go into details, because right about when she was due we were chosen by T. And this match was 'The One". (The messy situation is still messy for those involved)

T is two years younger than myself. She has two daughters. We flew down to meet her a couple months before Dominic was born. We met her, her sister, her youngest daughter, and our wonderful matchmaker, Michelle. I could go on and on about T, but the bottom line is she is an amazing person. Amazing has always been the word I have used to describe her and it fits. I have heard rude and/or naive comments and questions about her. First off, it is no ones business to know everything about her. But when I hear comments like, "He's living a much happier life than if he hadn't been adopted", or "He's being given a chance at life" I go crazy. If I can teach you one thing it is this: Birth mothers come from all walks of life. They choose adoption for many different reasons, and not every reason is because they are "screw-ups or would be bad parents". From the stories I've shared here, the most common thing is that when a woman decides to make an adoption plan, she is in a difficult place in life. It does not mean she is bad person and wouldn't love the child. Adoption is an act of love. Plain and simple.

What was supposed to be a closed adoption for us has remained open, and I couldn't be happier about that. T is also a facebook friend. She tags herself in photos of Dom so her friends can see them. She expresses that she does not regret her decision. She always tells us how happy she is for us. Since she chose us, she has always seen Dom as our son, not hers. But her family will always be our family as well. Her 4-year old daughter wants to teach Dom to ride horses. She rides them bareback, so I'm no so sure about that one. LOL. My favorite thing about T right now is that she has written and illustrated childrens books and the first one is being published in a few months! How cool is that?! I am very excited about it, and can't wait to go out and buy it!

Anyway, my blog is called Laura's Rambling Thoughts for a reason. If you have any questions about adoption, please feel free to ask.

ETA: Michelle (who matched us with T) is also a birth mom. She's been married for (how many years, Michelle?), and has three children at home. Her blog is her story. It is unique, heartfelt, and heartbreaking. I recommend reading the posts listed on the right-hand side of her blog, labeled "Posts of Some Signifigance".

Getting to Know YOU

2010-11-11T14:38:00.003-06:00

Due to a major brain block, I am copying Julie's post in order to keep this blog rolling. ...Ha! Who am kidding, this blog is just barely truckin' along at a snail's pace. But here's a new post! Here's a few questions to get to know you better:

1) If you could add any room to your current residence, what would it be?

(To prove some originality I will not steal the rest of my questions.)

2) If you could have an afternoon with any (living) celebrity, who would it be, and what would you do?

3) Tenting in northern Minnesota, or 5-star resort on the gulf?

4) If you could decide your dreams before you fell asleep, what or who would you choose to dream about?

5) If there is one thing you would like to understand more about adoption, what would it be? Feel free to email this question or ask it on springform to protect your identity.

You know that one monkey at the zoo?

2010-11-01T19:36:00.005-05:00

The one who just sits there on a tree branch and doesn't move? The one you try to yell at and tease to get to do something? Meet that monkey:

Oh, wait, is he gonna smile????

Wow, that took a lotta energy...

Back to where I was before you bothered me:

The poor boy was so tired yesterday. He's stuffed up and hasn't been napping well. Yet this mean mom dressed him in his monkey costume just to get a few pictures. As you can tell from his red eyes he would much rather be snoozing. I would have loved for him to be giggly, but there's always that ONE monkey at the zoo...

Sometimes my brain forgets

2010-09-28T18:04:00.004-05:00

that I have a blog. My blog reading list is a mile long, so I spend much more time trying to catch up and never leave time to actually update my own.

Here's a rundown of my life (I hope this qualifies as a blog post):

*The big Similac recall. Oy. First I was livid that I had been feeding my baby bug-tainted formula (and, yes, it really was affecting him), then I was relieved to figure out why he had been fighting bottles for over a week. Then I went in a frenzy, trying to find a new formula for him. I know everyone who offered suggestions meant well, but we tried EVERYTHING. Well, not everything- we didn't do the ultra-expensive stuff. But five days of trying different formulas was not fun- and it clearly was messing with his little tummy. We've gone back to Similac- buying the concentrate and ready-to-eat, anything we can get our hands on- the shelves are pretty bare. And now our baby's tummy is nice and soft and he eats his bottles with no complaints. Now if only I can get Davin to quit calling him Beetle Juice...

*Root canals. Had one a few weeks ago- that hurt like a b^#&*! I was in pain for almost a week. Now the tooth next to it needs one- YAY. I was going to put it off until next year, but this past week it's been hurting almost as bad as the first one was. My teeth suck. And what's with dentist's asking questions while they are digging around in your mouth??? I mean, I can answer 'uh huh', or 'uh uh', but I cannot answer "What are you doing to manage the pain?", or "How does the adoption finalization happen?" I mean, really dude, I can't believe all ten of your fingers are in tact.

*ADOPTION FINALIZATION!!!! We have a court date! This Thursday we go to court to finalize Dominic's adoption. Really, I should be more fired up. (Although it appears that I am super thrilled with the capitalizing and exclamation points). Don't get me wrong, it will be nice for it all to be final- we'll get a new birth certificate with his last name (we don't have his original- it's in the courts), and we'll get him a ssn. But really, I feel like the adoption took place in Arizona. That's where Tia handed him to us. This court date is just a formality, in my eyes.

*Adoption scammers. I might have to dedicate a post to this one. It's all about girls/women saying they are pregnant and prey on hopeful adoptive families. It's insane, and if I start talking about it right now I won't be done with this post until next month, so I'll save it. I will say we were in contact with one of the 'well-known' scammers last winter. She 'chose' us, then disappeared when we started talking about flying out to Maryland to meet her.

*Weekends. October is crazy busy. Davin is going on my brother's trip this weekend- they are going biking somewhere on the north shore. Then Davin's going to the goob with Dom and Steve on the 15th. The weekend after that (MEA weekend) I'm flying to Wyoming with two other girls to go see Krista and fam! I am so fired up for a girl's trip! I'm nervous to be away from Dom for four days, but I know I'll enjoy myself!

*Screaming. Not crying, but straight-from-the-vocal-chords screaming. Dom learned how to do that doing this formula fiasco. I'm sure it started because he was in pain, but now he screams if you don't feed RIGHT NOW, or if you try burp him (that is really annoying), or if, heaven forbid!, you walk into the other room when he wants your attention. Crying I can handle, but this screaming....oh, I'm so happy I have a vacation planned!

*School. I'm thinking about starting classes in January. I want to get into social work and find a spot in the adoption world or the mental health field. I'll let you know when I know more.

I think that's all. Davin's busy at work, which isn't allowing me to go back to work, but I'm okay with that. As long as they can find people to take the shifts I was going to do, I'm totally okay with it. I don't love being a stay-at-home mom full time, but Davin works from home a couple days a week, so I can sneak out for short periods when Dom is sleeping. That works for me.

Wow, that was probably an incredibly boring post. You must really love me if you read it all the way through. ;)

Oh, and here's my babe:

My story on another blog...

2010-08-11T19:40:00.002-05:00

There are many, many people who adopt. Each of these people adopt for different reasons, adopt in different ways, and every single adoption is different. Some people choose to keep their story private, which I completely respect. However, those of you who know me or have followed my blog, know my life is an open book. Davin and I had many discussions about how much of our adoption we would share. There are parts that not even my family know. There are parts I choose to share with just a few. But for the most part, I am willing to share it all. Why? Because it's who I am. It's who my family is now. Dominic became part of our family in a very special way, and I like to share our journey and how we got to bring him home. It's a LONG story, so it is in pieces, but the first post is up on our adoption blog. If you want, you are free to follow along:
Our Adoption Story: Part I

July 2010

2010-07-31T22:48:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is August (...right? My mommy brain is on) and there is a lot to be said to sum up July.

*I had a whole long post written, but it was about as fun to read as the obituary section of the newspaper. I'll try sum up instead of giving you a detailed novel...

July was....tough. But still good. I'm still adjusting to mommyhood. I think I'm liking more each day. Or at least I love Dom more each day. He's full of tricks- rolling from his stomach to his back, talking like crazy, smiling, following us when we are talking and walking around him. He's a smart boy. And I LOVE him to death. This week marked the 6-week mark. I hear it's all a piece of cake from here. Ha.

We just got back from spending a week in the U.P. Dom has met a ton of family and friends in his short life so far. I am not the only one who loves him. Watching and listening to Davin's mom sing to him was enough to make my heart sing (since I can't carry a tune, I count on my heart). I loved watching Davin's dad with him- holding him like an airplane (which completely calms him down), rocking him, talking to him. I loved watching my nieces and nephews in Michigan meet him. Like I said- he is very loved.

We almost came home from the goob early (long story), but I'm glad we could stay until today. Camping with my family is i.n.s.a.n.e. I was pretty glad we had a warm bed to go back to after the day. But as much as my family is crazy, I love spending time with them. I truly feel blessed to have each and every one of my nieces and nephews in my life. We were only together for a short time, but I don't think there was a wasted moment. Between The Lake days, playing sand volleyball, wiffle ball, tossing a football (yeah, I have a mean spiral), eating, and eating some more, it went by fast. We did get out to Sedar Bay for some sauna and swimming- the water was AWESOME.

Oops, turning into another novel here. In summary... (bring back high school comp classes?), July has been a busy month, with a lot of running around. It's been fun, but now that Dom is six weeks old we're going to try settle into life here. No more road trips for a while. Time to find a routine and lower stress levels so I can enjoy my little dude, who is growing VERY fast before our eyes. Here's to a relaxing August!

Dom's first time in Lake Superior! :)

It's not all daisies

2010-07-11T13:13:00.003-05:00

Or roses, if you prefer.

I have had this post brewing in my head since Dominic was born. I could never put it into words because my thoughts and feelings were steadily changing- it was a circus in my head- jumping, spinning, tossing of emotions. I *almost* wrote this post when I was most overwhelmed, but I didn't want to come off sounding ungrateful for this gift I have been given.

Oh, I'm talking about motherhood, by the way.

When you're waiting for your child, you hear wonderful stories from other moms- how a child changes your world for the better; life becomes so fulfilling; children make everything in life feel wonderful. What they decline to tell you is how exhausting it is to be a mother of a newborn. Yes, they tell you it's tiring, but never did I get the details of this exhaustion- just that I would lack sleep. Which, I should add, never fazed me because I am an insomniac. In fact, I thought being an insomniac would be an advantage as a new mom. I mean, heck, I'm up anyway- how hard can it be to feed and change a baby when I'm already up? Impossible, actually. Turns out I cannot sleep without my medication, and I cannot wake up with it. ...that's a whole other post...

And, truly, how do you entertain a newborn all.day.long? He's awake more and more each day, and more and more curious to see the world around him. But if he's in one spot too long- say more than five minutes, he gets bored and cries. It's musical baby gear- swing to the mobile, to the bouncer, to the other mobile....mostly, he wants to be held. A luxury he got from his daddy for the first three weeks of his life. And now that Daddy is back at work during the day, this mommy has to either pick up the slack or deal with a fussy babe.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby. I LOVE to hold him. Life IS better because of him. I DO feel more fulfilled. But I'm so damned tired. My heart hurts when he is upset and I can't seem to figure out what to do to make him content. My heart aches when he's awake and I can't keep my eyes open for him. My heart breaks when his daddy comes home and I have to hand him over and go lock myself in the bedroom for a good cry.

Everyone says- six weeks. At six weeks it gets easier. We're almost to four, and I *think* it's getting better. I don't want to wish away this stage, because he is so perfect to hold against my chest- he pulls up his legs and buries his face into my chest- straight into my chest so that he has to work harder to breath. It's loud, ridiculous- I mean, dude, just turn your head slightly- but it always makes me happy. He's so cozy to hold. So huggable, so kissable. And he gave his first smile to Grandma Ko----- on July 3rd, and has since given many of grins and coos to Davin and I. When I hold him against my chest he picks up his head to look at me. He's perfect. He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Yet I'm overwhelmed. I know this is normal. I'm just putting it out there for new mommys-to-be: it's pretty dang awesome, but it's not all daisies. Not by a long shot.

Blogging is so easy

2010-07-05T18:49:00.003-05:00

When you can just post pics of your baby. Heehee.

*I'll get to my mommyhood post when this little dude allows me to be on the computer for more than 5 minutes at a time. :)

Something is a-brewin'...

2010-06-30T18:41:00.004-05:00

A blog post, that is. It is titled "It's not all daisies". Or something like that. I am a fresh mommy and I have a lot of thoughts floating around my head in regards to my new status. I am slightly afraid to share them all in fear that someone sees less of me, but I'm tired, hormonal, yet so in love- so I can take shit from anyone. Bring it, I say.

But right now I have a fussy baby who wants his mommy, so you're gonna have to wait. Suck it up, I say.

Oh, here's a pic of my babe to tide you over:

Happy YAWN

2010-06-18T18:08:00.003-05:00

What a crazy week it's been! I have a whole l.o.n.g. post regarding the events and emotions regarding the adoption of our son, Dominic. But, dude, I am TIRED. How is it that I'm so tired when all he does is sleep??? And I can't believe he's only two days old. ...maybe *that's* why he's sleeping so much- haha. :P

....Um, yeah, so we're just chillin' here in AZ. I have nothing to share at this point (tired!), but I had to post something as an excuse to show off the most precious baby I have ever seen. :)

Thanks to all of you who have been so supportive. I am so overwhelmed, sometimes I don't know how much more my heart can fit. So much love for this little guy- I love it. And I love him. Obviously. Much more to come about this journey. When I wake up more. :)

Ten years and new beginnings

2010-06-04T10:27:00.006-05:00

Tomorrow Davin and I celebrate TEN years of marriage!!! Craziness! So what are we doing to celebrate??? Starting our drive to Arizona to meet our new baby, of course! This moment in time is amazing, exciting, and overwhelming. Ten years. That's a long time. No, not all ten have been bliss. You all know about the dark days of my life. It really had nothing to do with our marriage, but it didn't make being a newlywed easy either. But I can say that we have several years of true happy marriage since then. I love Davin more today than I ever have. Ah, how sickly sappy is that? ;) But it's true. He's my best friend, and you can't ask for anything better than that in a husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now we're starting our own little family. We are so ready. Well, as ready as any new parents can be. We are anxious and excited to meet our son. We love him so much already! And we love his birth mom- I've said it before and I'll say it a million times- she is amazing. This gift she is giving us is so much more than we could ever ask for. We are forever grateful for her. She is nine months pregnant in June in Arizona, and she's carrying a lunker of baby. Needless to say, she is pretty miserable. We're all hoping this baby come a little early!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, that's all. I have to still pack today. Hope everyone is enjoying there spring/summer!!! :)

Oh happy day!

2010-05-16T17:33:00.005-05:00

Today was nearly perfect. The weather was perfect, for sure- I think I am *slightly* sun-kissed. We got some cleaning done- including getting the fountains up and running- then grilled and chilled in the sunshine. I love Minnesota spring time! T-minus four weeks until Baby Kangas is due! :)

Life today

2010-05-11T18:28:00.002-05:00

I feel like I need to blog because this blog is a journal of my life. Yet I don't have time to sit and think about what I want to talk about. I had an elaborate post planned called "M&M Consumption 101". True story. It would have been a long post. I had a bag of M&M's and planned all kinds of pictures to illustrate different rules to eating them. It was so long in my head that it overwhelmed to put it down in words, so I ate the M&Ms- before their photo op. So if you have a specific question about the right and wrong way to eat M&Ms, please feel free to ask. I will tell you this much: M&Ms are meant to be eaten in this order (there are a few exceptions): blue, yellow, green, orange, red, brown. That's rule numbero uno. Maybe I'll share more in later posts...

Life today:

*The cold, rainy weather is getting to me. Both physically and mentally.
*I have not fallen down the stairs since I went off my allergies meds a week ago.
*However, my allergies have made me miserable. Light-headedness sounds better that this crap.
*On a positive note, T-minus 34 days until Baby Kangas is due to come into this world!!!
*We're heading to AZ around Memorial Day and will be down for a week or two after he is born.
*There a few things I want to do before we leave.
*Go to a Twins game is high on the list.
*My life as I know will change forever next month. I am both nervous and excited.
*And Valleyfair- I'd like to go there this month.
*If the weather takes a turn for the better.

...that's all. Hope you're all enjoying this crazy May weather!

Yeah, I'm talking about you!

2010-04-24T11:24:00.002-05:00

Well, some of you anyway. You, the ones who have the adorable little ones and post every photo of every cute little thing they do. Every time I go to catch up on blogs, or log into facebook, I am bombarded with these endless pictures of cute little babies sleeping, or making funny faces. And pictures of adorable toddlers, eating their birthday cake, or getting into trouble in the laundry basket. The pictures of babies in their cribs, and toddler playing at the playground. You know who I'm talking about. You proud mommy's who want to share your joy with the world.

I'm just here to say, WATCH OUT! Come June I am certain I will become one of you. :D

That's all. :)

Whaddya wanna know???

2010-04-18T14:24:00.001-05:00

I'm playing celebrity. Heh. Click here and ask away!

We heart our baby's birth mom!

2010-04-17T15:57:00.004-05:00

As a lot of you know, we flew down to Arizona this week to meet our baby's birth mother. I want to blog about it, but at the same time there are things we want to keep to ourselves, both for our privacy, and for T's privacy. What I will say is that T is AMAZING. It's the word that comes to mind over and over again when I think about our vacation. She is beautiful and she has a wonderful family. In so many ways she is different than Davin and I- or we're different than she is, but that's part of what we love. I look forward to watching our baby grow up and letting him live out the creativity he is bound to inherit from his birth mom. As we drove to the airport last night to catch our flight home we were talking about the trip, and we were saying how humbled we felt to be chosen by T. We feel so lucky and blessed to be adopting her baby. It feels so right, so meant to be. Also, had we not gone through some of the experiences we have during our adoption 'journey', I don't think we would truly be able to appreciate how lucky we are to be working with such an amazing birth mom. June cannot come soon enough- we are so excited to meet our baby!

On a side note, Phoenix in April is heaven on earth! It was gorgeous! The first time we met T we went to a restaurant at Tempe Marketplace- the place is awesome! After lunch yesterday (at a different restaurant), Davin and I had time to blow before our late flight and we hung out at the Marketplace- it's a huge, sprawling outdoor shopping center. There are water fountains, flowers, lounging sofas and chairs, fireplaces and cool lights at night. There is live music in the evening. We fell in love with the place. It was the perfect end to the amazing trip.

Going to go enjoy this beautiful Minnesota spring day. Catch you later! :)

The H Fiasco, then Light.

2010-04-10T20:39:00.006-05:00

WARNING: Insanely Long Post! Read at your own risk!

I've been MIA in the blog world for awhile. There was some crazy stuff going on with our adoption ride, and I wasn't ready to share. But now I am. I think. Let's see.

In January I started networking online. I created a youtube video. A few weeks after I posted it, I saw someone had commented on it. It was this girl, D, from last year. The one we walked away from. I emailed her and she told me she has a friend who is due to have a baby in March and was considering adoption. This began to what I refer to now as the H Fiasco. H had one child taken from her due to neglect, and that baby is being adopted by her foster family. She was using drugs and could not care for her child. Now she was pregnant with another. She didn't want the county to get involved so she thought she would choose adoption. D (oh, she decided to parent and is happy with her decision!) became our go-between contact. I gave her information to give to H. The situation was unhealthy from the beginning- I put so much energy and effort into it and I was getting nothing in return. Still, I couldn't help but think "what if this IS our baby?", so I continued. Eventually I got in touch with H through facebook. We chatted a few times. But she would not make an adoption plan. She would not call an agency or an attorney. And we couldn't force her to. Her excuse was always that she was nervous and scared and couldn't get herself to make the call. I gave her email addresses to the agency and attorney, but she didn't email them either. So...we were halfway (well, closer to fully) preparing for a baby girl. She didn't have a specific due date- just mid to late March. Mid March came and she still had made no plan. We started to realize she was not going to make a plan before the baby was born.

Backing up to the other half of the story...

I have mentioned an online adoption group called Adoption Voices. Through this site, M found us and learned our story. She has a friend who is due in June and is planning to place her baby for adoption. M initially contacted me in February saying she passed our info onto her friend, T (don't you love the whole inital names- keep them straight!) and that she was "rooting for us". It definitely stayed in my mind (I don't know how we deserved the rooting, but we were definitely touched), but I didn't get my hopes up because we knew nothing about T, and had no reason to believe she would choose us. Yet, in mid-March (while we were stressed about Hailey have her baby anyday and not having a plan), I got a message from M, asking to call her. I did, and holy shit, T wanted us to adopt her baby! That's when things went into complete chaos. We learned a little about T, and every tiny bit of information we heard about her made us want to work with more than anything. So there was a big dilemma. A birth mother was due ANYDAY, who did not show interest in making an adoption plan, but to who (whom? whatev) I had put endless energy into, and now a new birth mother, who was very anxious to make a plan for her baby boy due in June. If I hadn't put so much into the H Fiasco (this reminds me- I need to color my hair- somehow I have grays everywhere) we would have said right then, yes, let's get in contact with T. But H was due anyday and my heart was in it. She had an appointment and was to be induced in a little over a week. T, bless her heart, said she would wait out our current situation before choosing another couple. See? What's not to love about that? But we didn't want to make her wait. After H had her appointment I sent her a message saying we needed her to make a plan by the end of the week or we couldn't work with her. She said she would. She didn't. So I got her on facebook chat and gently broke up with her. She didn't seem to mind one bit. That same night I sent an email to T.

Since then:

H had her baby last Monday, five days before she was to be induced. It was harder for me than I thought it would be. I asked T for a few days to grieve the 'loss' before working on our adoption plan. Again, bless her, she said to take the time I needed. It took one evening of crying my eyes out, a good nights sleep, and a run in the morning, and then I felt good and strong and ready to move on. I came to find out H was upset with us for backing out, but I feel that was just her cop-out for not making a plan. It was one of those situations where even if she did place with us, she is too unstable for us to trust that she wouldn't change her mind. And she wanted a very open adoption. We weren't prepared for weekly visits, and we had the feeling that if we didn't meet those expectations she would not sign the adoption papers and we would have to wait a long 60 days by law to see if she would change her mind or not. She had already robbed me so much of my energy- always online hoping I would catch her and get to talk things out- texting D constantly, wondering how she was doing. Baby girl went home from the hospital with H's mom. I don't know what her long term plan is. I gave her the name of a couple we know who are also wanting to adopt. I can only hope and pray she does what's best for her baby.

Onto the good news:

We are CHOSEN. MATCHED. PARENTS-TO-BE. Whatever you want to call it! God willing, we will be adopting T's baby boy, due in June, in Arizona. We've been in contact with T since that first email to her. Emails, facebook, texts, we're in touch. It's been amazing and refreshing. We're flying down to Arizona next week to meet her. I am SO excited. I haven't quite figured out how to put words to what I am feeling about this adoption match. It's overwhelming. Someday, I will find the words and dedicate a post to it.

But for now, I'll shut up, as this post is crazy long. Wondering what to take away from it all (if in fact you are still reading)? Adoption is crazy and heart-breaking, but I've already said that. So take this: there are amazing birth mothers out there. And we are working with one. This is what I love about adoption. Oh, and we can't wait to meet our son!

Peace out.

Oops and Duluth

2010-03-21T16:54:00.004-05:00

I think I promised a blog a couple (few?) weeks ago. I'm here now, so quit grumbling. Here's relevant (and some pointless) bits of my life right now:

~I did not celebrate St. Urho's Day. I'm a bad Finn.
~I am SO very happy that spring is here. I love the sunshine. Love, love, love it!
~I've noticed lately that I triple words and phrases for emphasis. ^See above^
~Davin and I just got home from a weekend in Duluth.
~It's amazing how much I can relax and BREATH when we're on the north shore.
~I slept over 10 hours both nights, and took a 3-hr nap on Saturday.
~No lie. I must have needed some shut-eye.
~I literally felt a stomachache coming on as we left Duluth.
~Guess it's back to reality.
~It's Kiya's first birthday today. A year ago we met our baby Ellen. I hope she has a very happy birthday.
~Is our adoption journey almost over? *BIG SIGH*
~Or *sigh, sigh, sigh*
~Well, at least I'm well-rested and ready to take on the world this week.

Here's pics from Duluth and Gooseberry Falls:

Blog jam

2010-03-03T20:56:00.004-06:00

Oh my goodness. I have SO many blogs to catch up on! I joined a site called Adoption Voices, and I absolutely love it. I found a place where people have been through exactly what we have, and it's been fun getting to know others going through the same journey as us. Also, since joining a month ago, I have been in contact with at least half a dozen different potential birth mothers. Some were brief, one was a scammer (yeah, I know- grrr. I even talked to her on the phone!), and one has some still has some potential! I have been reading A LOT of blogs written by birth mothers, which has given me wonderful insight to the other side of adoption. As much as I have loved and learned from Adoption Voices, I have neglected my own blog list. I have been working everyday also, so that has kept me offline also. Boo. But I'll take the time to catch up this weekend. And maybe I'll even post on my own blog. Oh wait- that's what I'm doing now. Well, maybe I'll come up with something interesting to blog about...keep our eye out for something WONDERFUL. Heh.

Lent

2010-02-17T18:32:00.002-06:00

I've never observed Lent, but last year I said I would this year. It was a toss-up between chocolate and Diet Coke. But since I woke up today, Ash Wednesday, and cracked open a Diet Coke before thinking about Lent, I'm going with chocolate. I accidentally ate a few m&ms- I swear it was an accident! But I'm back on track. I could have thrown all the chocolate in the house, but with the chocolate exchange (Thanks again, Amy!), and Valentine's Day, and Davin being a sweet husband...well, I couldn't throw it out. So I threw it in the freezer. Where my favorite ice cream cones will also wait for 40 days. This is gonna be tough, but I THINK I CAN do it! I also thought about *giving up* swearing, but I decided that should be something I should give up anyway. I swear (pun completely intended) our child's first word will be 'Da Da', and not....not something ugly.

Now just hoping I don't sleep walk to this tonight:

Comment for an important cause

2010-02-17T14:52:00.002-06:00

Not here.

Here. On Julie's blog. Take a minute to read what she wrote. Someone you know may be suffering and you may not even realize it. Sign your name once you've read it. That's all she's asking. Thanks in advance for taking the time.

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T21:37:00.007-06:00

My husband loves me. And I love him. Even when he steals roses for me.

Introducing the players...

2010-02-02T13:23:00.008-06:00

These are the girls in the chocolate/care package exchange. Please meet:

Jo: A friend of Leanne's in real life (went to school together?), virtual friend of mine. Her blog.
~~~~~
Mari: Davin's sister. Lives in the U.P. She needs chocolate badly to survive the winter. ;) Her blog.
~~~~~
Megan: My cousin. Also lives in the U.P. Married with three cute kids. Her blog.
~~~~~
Sarah: I worked with her at LBO in Albertville. Until she had a cute lil' babe and quit. I miss you, Sarah!
~~~~~
Stacey: Married to Davin's brother. Also a yooper. :)
~~~~~
Jenny (ethiopifinn): She knows my older sisters in real life- we've connected in this wonderful virtual world. Her blog.
~~~~~
Juliana: Friends from WAY back when. Another yooper- we used to hang out in the U.P. when we were just teens. :)
~~~~~
Julie: One of my best friends in real life. Don't know what I'd do without her. (I happen to know she likes dark chocolate). :D Her blog.
~~~~~
Amy I: My big sis. Yet another yooper. She's married with four awesomely adorable kiddos.
~~~~~
Amy L: A friend in real life. Seriously, everyone from the U.P. joined this exchange- I think they are in dire need of chocolate! :)
~~~~~
Nadine: I went to school with her. We didn't really hang out then (did we?), but have gotten in touch through facebook- I LOVE the internet!
~~~~~
Elizabeth: My west coast photography/reiki friend! Met her in virtual world, then got to meet her in real life a few months back. Her blog.
~~~~~
Chrissy: My lil sis. Just had a baby girl last month- she needs chocolate, for sure. :D
~~~~~
Laura: Is this Laura N??? I'm assuming. If so, know her in real life. Fun girl! :)

Thanks everyone for participating- you'll get your emails sometime today!

Check your emails tonight...

2010-02-02T08:39:00.001-06:00

There was a great turn-out for the chocolate exchange- thanks to everyone for playing! I will be drawing names later today, and you should get an email from me tonight with the name and address of who you have.

**If you haven't gotten me your MAILING address yet, please do! Thanks!

Last chance for Chocolate!

2010-01-31T19:05:00.002-06:00

You have through tomorrow to join the Chocolate/Care Package exchange. Details are in the post below this one. One small tweak:

You can send other things besides chocolate, but since I initially started the exchange as a chocolate exchange, you must at least put one piece of chocolate in your care package. :)

Also, for those who have joined, but have not emailed me your mailing address, please do ASAP, so I can get everyone their names on Tuesday.

Thanks!

Who likes chocolate???

2010-01-27T20:02:00.014-06:00

So, I found a great adoption support website called Adoption Voices. I joined five different groups, and it has been wonderful for me, being in touch with people who have been through literally the same situations that we have.

Anyway, some members just did a chocolate exchange this month. And I'm stealing the idea. Hey, it's winter, it's cold, and I think we all deserve some fun personal mail- and what better mail than chocolate, right? So here's the deal:

**This exchange is open to people I know and friends of friends. I will verify that each person is somehow linked to someone I know. Does that make sense?
**It would be a $5-$10 limit. (You pick your favorite chocolate!)
**You would have to be willing to email me your mailing address so I can pass it on to whoever 'draws' your name. (I'll draw for everyone)
**Anyone who wants in, leave a comment.
**You have through ~~Sunday~~ MONDAY to join- just leave a comment letting me know you're in.
**You have two weeks to get your chocolate in the mail.
**If you know others who would like to participate, send them to my blog.

I hope this works out- I think it could be really fun!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ETA: I want to be clear- you will not be posting your mailing address on my blog- you will email it to lorz.kangas @ gmail.com.

ETA: You can add something besides chocolate to the package- use your creativity, but please put at least one piece of chocolate. ;)

Now HERE'S a fun game!

2010-01-27T10:43:00.003-06:00

Today at work I am going to be doing grunt work. Lane Bryant and Petite Sophisticate shared the back room. Now Petite's is gone and Catherine's in moving in. We are no longer sharing the space. So, basically we have to somehow fit ALL of Lane Bryant's stuff into half the space. (Lane Bryant is 4 times larger than Catherines). There will be taking down and putting up new shelving. There will be moving boxes, merchandise, and who knows what else. All of this will take place in a very cluttered area. I am not graceful. I WILL get bruises. Heck, I get bruises unloading freight each week. So, here's the game: Let's guess the amount of injuries Laura will come home with tonight! Take your best shot!

1) How many bruises?
2) How many scrapes/cuts that require a bandaid?
3) How many stubbed toes?
4) How many broken finger nails? (Yes, those are injuries!)
5) How many pulled muscles?
6) How many broken bones? (Let's all put zero for that one)

And a MEGA bonus question:

How many times will Laura swear out loud today?

And, NO, you do NOT get a prize for winning this game! Shame on you for wanting to want something for my pain!

Wishing you all a cuss-free day! :)

And today

2010-01-25T21:02:00.002-06:00

I'm emotional. We've had to pass on two potential adoption situations because of $$$. They were both out of state. Cross the MN line and the cost sky-rockets. Maybe networking nationwide isn't such a good idea.

We have a new, beautiful niece. Love her already, and I haven't even met her.

...........
...........

I guess that's all. I'll check in again when I have some "positive energy" words to share.

Peace out.

Today

2010-01-24T11:08:00.003-06:00

It's a gloomy weather Sunday.
But I'm not complaining because I said I wouldn't.
I think I'll just hunker down inside for the day.
The tv will be hi-jacked by Davin at 5:00 for the big game.
~~Secretly, I hope the Vikings lose, 'cause I can't handle the hype.~~
~~Plus, I don't want to face my face purple or any other color.~~
I WILL be cheering on the Vikings and really hope they win.
Have I mentioned ever that adoption is a roller coaster?
It is.
We heard from a birth mother we were in contact with last year.
She has a friend due in March.
There's a VERY small chance she may place the baby for adoption.
There are other factors that make the situation very iffy.
Prayers would be appreciated. :)
-SIGH-
I'm running again! Hamstring healed.
I love running.
Which sounds crazy, even to me.
Actually, I think I'll jump on the treadmill right now.
Maybe it will wake up Davin- it is after 11:00, after all.
Have a good Sunday, all. GO VIKINGS!

Thanks for de-lurking!

2010-01-22T16:05:00.002-06:00

There were exactly 20 comments that were not my own, so I will be donating $50 to Doctors Without Borders. Thanks for commenting!

Now an uncomfortable question: There were two people who commented that I am not entirely certain that I know who they are. Vicky- I must know you, right? ...I hate asking that question. And Nadine- you are one of two people in my head. Which Nadine are you?

...that's was awkward. But I gotta know! :)

Laugh of the Day Week Month

2010-01-21T15:26:00.003-06:00

We're doing business here.

Children in Haiti

2010-01-20T16:29:00.007-06:00

We've all been reading and watching stories about all the orphans in Haiti. Did you know that half of Haiti's population is under the age of 18? And BEFORE the earthquake over 300,000 children were orphans (eta: that's about the population of the entire U.P) ? We see images and our hearts want to take a child's hand and bring take them away from what they are enduring right now. Many people asked me if we considered, since the earthquake, adopting from Haiti. Of course it came to mind. ...this is how it is in my mind: Our adoption journey is like being on a straight, speeding train. It's getting to be a LONG track, but very straight; domestic, infant. If we decided to try adopt a child from Haiti it would be like suddenly taking a sharp, 90 degree turn, going 100 miles an hour. I haven't been able to re-route my thoughts, my feelings- it's like being derailed. Yet I still think about it every time I pray for those children. So I called our adoption attorney today. We see all these stories on the news about children that ARE being brought over. As it turns out, the States department is only flying children into the United States who have already been matched with adoptive families. Even this is a long process because of the chaos and paperwork being lost. However, some families that were just beginning the process of adopting from Haiti are getting their children much sooner than anticipated, which is good. If, say we, wanted to adopt from Haiti, we're could be looking at years. When things start settling down, they will first try find family in Haiti for the children. If no family is found, then they will be placed for adoption. But the United States government has not yet set a concrete plan on bringing unmatched orphans to the United States. I tend to shy away from talking about politics. But I want governments across the world to fly over and bring those children to safe homes. So, for the first time I am going to research my local represenatives and write a letter. I've never done so before, but THIS is something I am passionate about. I hope that a program is set up, and laws are implemented so that if something like this happens again, the children will be taken care of. I know it's easy to criticize flaws in the wake of disasters. And I believe there are people- people much more powerful than myself- that are doing what they can to help. I guess I just pray that when the next disaster strikes, the children- especially those too young to care for themselves- aren't left on the broken roads, wondering what's happening to them and their loved ones.

Prayers to the children in Haiti.

ETA: There is only one adoption agency in Minnesota that has a Haiti program, but they don't currently have anyone that was matched. :(

It's how I really feel

2010-01-19T15:11:00.005-06:00

Positive energy. Those are my words to live by this year. And I'm really glad I took the time to choose them, because today I am reminding myself over and over how important those words are. The truth is I'm having a hard "I-really-want-to-be-a-mommy" day. Please, don't offer up your kids. It's a joke we get all the time: "Hey, you can take my kids for a couple days, then decide if you want one of your own". I laugh, I know you're just joking around, but in my head I'm thinking, "I hope you know how blessed you are". For the record, I know that every person who has said that IS grateful for their children. If I didn't think you were, I'd set you straight real fast. -insert sarcmark-.

Anyway, when I'm having a day like today, I call up our adoption social worker to "check in". I call in hopes of hearing that they are busy and 10 birthmothers haven't chosen yet. Nope. Three haven't chosen. That's usually about what it is- it averages between two and five. We are slowly creeping to the 'top' of the list. We are #9 on their website, and #15 in the book. So 14 people (out of 45 right now) have been waiting longer than us. There are rare situations when a birthmother is about to give birth or has already given birth and wants to place, but doesn't want to "choose" a family. That baby would be adopted by the #1 person. We're getting there...

What I really wish is that the birthmother social workers could 'help' choose a family. Because we've worked with both social workers (each of our failed placements), and we are spoken highly of around the agency. I've heard from not only them, but also someone that was at the annual picnic. A social worker told this girl (she and her husband adopted last year) that the 'office' is secretly rooting for Davin and I because of what we've been through and because of the way we treat birthmothers. They are flabbergasted that we've become friends with our first birthmother. I'm told this over and over again by my social worker, but I find it kind of odd. I would hope everyone treats their birthmothers with love and respect, even if she does change her mind. People aren't that cold, are they? Of course I was angry at Stephanie at first, but things happen for a reason.

Okay, now I'm rambling. Going to the baby's room to say a little prayer, then I'll probably grab some chocolate and watch a brainless show on tv. Tv is usually good for my soul. I love Ellen... yep, I'm gonna watch an episode of Ellen. That will make me smile. And laugh.

That's all.

Another sunny day in MN

2010-01-18T13:31:00.003-06:00

There is the never-ending ~~argument~~ friendly disagreement on where the better place is to live in the winter- the U.P. or Minnesota. What is usually boils down to is cold (MN) or snow (MI). For me, it's all about the sunshine. I would take sunshine and sub-zero temps anyday over snow everyday. Sunshine is good for the soul. So, to my yooper friends, here's what it's looked like here pretty much all winter. Enjoy your snowboarding and skiing- I'll see you in the summer! ;)

De-lurk now

2010-01-15T11:34:00.005-06:00

I missed de-lurking week. Actually, I didn't. I missed everyone else's de-lurking week. Mine starts today. I hadn't been blogging much lately, and I think a lot of people probably quit following as a result. No biggie- I read A LOT of blogs, and mine isn't in the top 10 of most entertaining or interesting. But it's healthy for me, and I hope to pick up the pace again.

I figured there should be a giveaway involved to really pry people out of hiding. However, I, like everyone else, have Haiti on my mind, and I want to continue to support the relief efforts. My favorite way to donate to the Red Cross is by texting 90999. It's quick and easy, and $10 will show up on my next phone bill. So, in honor of you all de-lurking, I will send another text and another $10. If at least 20 people comment by next Friday at noon I will also send $50 to Doctors Without Borders. I know it's not much, but every bit counts, so comment away!

I changed my mind

2010-01-13T19:21:00.003-06:00

I changed my word(s) for the new year. No, I don't care that we're halfway through January. :P I had chosen 'happy' and 'healthy'. Today I changed it to "positive energy". Okay, so it's more of a phrase, not a word. But still. I truly think I do carry good energy, but I also know I carry some negative energy. I think my sarcasm comes across as negative sometime, even when I don't mean for it to. And this time of year- well, I struggle in the winter. But I'm going to try. For example, today I went to the doctor because I thought (correctly, as it turns out) that I have a sinus infection. When I was getting ready to leave I started crying. I have been feeling crappy for several days now, and I haven't been able to run (or even walk) on the treadmill because of my pulled hamstring. It was cold out and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and fall asleep until I felt better. I turned onto a road a block from where we live and gasped (literally). There is a small cemetery on the corner of the block, tucked in a little forest of great big pine trees. At the moment every branch of every tree was frosted white and twinkling in the sunlight. It was beautiful. I'm no professional photograher, but I stopped the car and did my best. (I didn't really do it justice). As I drove to my appointment I thought to myself, "Laura, you live in Minnesota. No, you don't HAVE to be here, but you are. And while you're here you're just gonna have to deal with winter. And since you have to deal with it, why not embrace it?" ...well, embracing winter doesn't mean I'll go making snow angels everyday (or ever), but I will do my best to not complain when the temps dip below zero. I won't complain when there is ice on the roads and it takes me an extra 10 minutes to get to where I'm going. Nope. I'm going to keep my eyes open to catch as many frosted trees as I can. THAT I can enjoy now. I'll enjoy the green and warmth in a few months.

Anyway, Idol's on- more later. :D

Crisis

2010-01-08T21:58:00.003-06:00

I know I have Lindt truffles around here somewhere. I bought them the other day and ate one. (Yeah, I know, will power). Then I forgot about them. (Yeah, I know, stupidity). And now I ~~want~~ need one and I can't find them anywhere. I've looked in all the normal places and all the strange places (one time, almost ten years ago, Davin put the milk in the cereal cupboard). But my chocolates where not in any cupboard, nor the linen closet, or under my bed. For a moment I thought maybe, just maybe I had eaten them in my sleep. Nah, that's unlikely. ...or is it? Hm....man, I can just taste them right now...no I can't. How dumb is that saying? If I could taste them I wouldn't be digging in Davin's underwear drawer looking for them. Oh, and I called Davin. In case he developed a sweet tooth in the past three days and polished them off. He swears he hasn't (craved a sweet tooth or ate the truffles). I'm going to ask him again when he gets home- I can read a lie in his face.

-sigh- I guess I'll have to wait until Target opens and I can get some more. Maybe by then I won't be wanting chocolate anymore. ...ha. That's a funny one.

Oh, and the "I will nots"

2010-01-02T20:06:00.004-06:00

for 2010:

*I will NOT stop drinking Diet Coke.
*I will NOT give up sweets...cut back some hopefully, but never giving up my chocolate.

In case you cared to know.

OH! That's a thing for my list! Hold on, let me see what number I'm on...
...

Holy crap. I haven't worked on my list since last March!

#74) Sometimes I'll say really random things at really random times and end by saying, "in case you cared to know". Davin's correct response is always, "I did, thank you". And the other way around. We care to know everything the other has to say.

I'm ready to say goodbye

2009-12-31T16:45:00.002-06:00

to 2009.

It was a rough one for us. It started with a promise of a new baby for us. We met the beautiful baby on the first day of spring and lost her on the second day of spring. While we are very grateful that she is doing well, we have spent months working to move past the pain of losing her and the pain of not hearing from other potential birth mothers. I've gone through emotions that I don't know how to express. But I can say this: I am ready for a new year. I am ready to face what lies ahead on this adoption journey, and I'm ready to start on my three goals for the new year:

1) Run a 5k (or two or three)
2) Find a creative outlet for myself (First attempt- painting)
3) Learn to dance- like really dance, not just jump around.

I chose two words to represent 2010 for me. The first is happy. Before I do anything, I want to ask myself, "Does this make me happy?". I was going to leave it at that, but then another word came mind, and I think it is equally as important. Healthy. "Is this healthy?" If whatever I choose to do in the next coming year is healthy and it makes me happy then I'm right on track.

I wish you all a happy and healthy new year!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-23T11:00:00.006-06:00

A bit of our year:

Davin had a busy year at work. He gets to enjoy blowing off steam every Tuesday by playing hockey in St. Cloud.

Davin and Chrissy's husband, Brett, won the brother fishing contest on the annual brothers weekend. Mike made a lovely trophy, which is proudly displayed at Chrissy and Brett's. No, I don't care that it's not in my living room. ;)

I started working at Lane Bryant in Albertville in the spring, where I now work mostly on freight- I love my co-workers.

I started running a few months ago. I did the couch-to-5k program- finished successfully only to pull my hamstring. It is still on the mend, and I am in itching to get back on that treadmill!

We met Kiya (our Ellen Kylee) and got to spend her first several hours of life with her. We experienced her first bottle, her first burp, her first diaper change, and best of all, the first time she opened her eyes and looked around with curiousity. I wish much love to her and her family.

We took a few vacations- one to Arizona, a couple to Michigan, and our first trip to Chicago. There is nothing better than quality time with my husband. (For a few days, then I we both like a little alone time). :)

Our life consists of keeping a normal everyday life all while waiting very hard for a baby. As you know the adoption journey has been quite a roller coaster. Most days are normal and fine, but Davin and both have days where our hearts ache to hold our own child. It is especially hard during the holiday season. However, we are blessed to have family and friends- including a lot of nieces and nephews to spend the holidays with.

I have one holiday wish you can all help me with: there are people in our life who are dealing with a lot of difficult health issues. They are family to us, and I ask that when you say your prayers tonight, you say a little prayer for them. Thank you.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope yours is filled with love, warmth, and laughter.

Facebook 2009

2009-12-21T18:03:00.003-06:00

*click to enlarge. :)

It wasn't supposed to happen like this...

2009-12-18T19:20:00.006-06:00

I pulled my hamstring last Saturday. While running. That's what I've been doing lately- running. I didn't want to talk about it because I wasn't sure I would follow through- I tend to quit things when they get difficult. But I started the Couch-to-5k program a little over two months ago and it was going awesome. I never in a million years thought that I would be a runner. I never cared to be. But a couple friends were starting the program, and I was looking for a healthy activity to start so I joined them. I did most my runs on the treadmill, and took it pretty easy as far as speed because I was paranoid about getting injured. I did a couple weeks more than once when I didn't feel ready to move on. I was smart about it. Then I had my first full 3.1 mile run last weekend. I was doing great, I felt great, and I even felt good enough to do 3.25 miles. I don't know if it was that extra .15 miles or what, but somewhere in there I pulled my hamstring. I finally saw a chiropractor today. Turns out it's something I need to rest. I actually had to hold back tears when he told me. I do not want to stop running. I don't plan to stop. I will, however, take however long it takes for my leg to heal. I'm ~~scared~~ terrified that I'll fall off the train, so to speak. I have loved the runs I've gone on, and I hope that I get right back into it. ...I'll work on my attitude and come back with a more can-do 'tude soon.

Anyway, I planned to blog about my running- it is a HUGE personal accomplishment of mine. I just didn't want to start with blogging about an injury. :(

P.S. Thanks Leanne, for the surfing hammy.

Christmastime is here (still)

2009-12-15T11:56:00.003-06:00

Further evidence:

I have also made oreo truffles and Andes mint cookies. And almond bark peanut butter preztels. And I did a cookie exchange with my sisters and mom so I have an entire freezer full of sugary sweets. I may have to host a get-together just to make use of all the goodies. I still don't have a blogging mindset back, so until later...

Christmastime is here

2009-12-08T18:59:00.004-06:00

First piece of evidence:

ETA: Dove chocolates do NOT go as far as kisses. There are only 35 in a bag- pricey cookies, but worth the indulgence. :)

My Thanks

2009-11-25T15:33:00.002-06:00

I've been trying to figure out my Thanksgiving post- it's been hard. I guess because life has been a bit tough lately. Of course I'm always thankful for my faith, family, and friends, and all that good stuff. However, right now, I am most thankful for the bit of strength that I do have. Thank you, God, for that strength.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. :)

Women of Faith

2009-10-17T19:46:00.006-05:00

So I went to the Women of Faith conference this weekend with a group of wonderful, wonderful gals. Despite my anxiety of thousands of people (YIKES), there was lots of laughter and many memories made. I loved, loved, loved the music. Steven Curtis Chapman is an amazing musician, and his sons play with him which makes it all the better. I don't think I walked away from the conference a different person. I'm not a better Christian today than I was yesterday, I'm not a better human being. But I am a bit more awake. Finding a church has been overwhelming- extremely overwhelming. But I know I have the strength to find the right place for me. But not this Sunday. I'm giving myself a week to try absorb what I heard at the conference, then I'll attend another church next week. I just wanted to blog a tid-bit so I could post a couple pics, and say that if you're looking for a spiritual weekend get-away, you may just enjoy A Grand New Day. If nothing else, there is wonderful music!

Windy city in the rain

2009-10-06T16:56:00.005-05:00

Did you know that Chicago being called the "windy city" has nothing to do with the weather? Nope. Something about the politicians being long-winded. True story. You learn things like that when you take a bus tour around the city.

Anyway, we had a wonderful time. And now I have a cold. From the wind, I'm sure. :)

Hmmm...

2009-09-25T17:15:00.002-05:00

So Davin and I are heading to Chicago next weekend- yay! They say that when you're waiting for a baby, all you have to do is go on vacation and you will get a call. I think we've gone on half a dozen vacations since we heard that. :P Well, we did have to cancel a big one to California for Kiya, so maybe there is something to it, and this will be the one... :)

Anyhoo, we've never been to Chicago. Well, I've never been to Chicago (except driving through), and Davin has only been for business. So, what is that one thing in Chicago that we absolutely MUST do? I know there are so many things to see, and we'll only be there for two days, but I sure don't want to miss something spectacular!

Have a great weekend everyone! :)

For Julie

2009-09-23T08:31:00.010-05:00

She is hunkering down and bound to go stir crazy. Supposedly reading blogs helps. So this one is for her.

Hmm....what to blog about. Well, I'm feeling quite a bit better. Davin and I are thinking about going to Chicago in a couple weeks. I've never been, and I figured we should probably go since we talk about possibly moving there someday.

Oh, I know! The list!

74) Davin and I always talk about moving away someday. We thought Arizona, but decided against that after we went in June and about melted. Chicago has always been talked about since Davin's work headquarters are there and he has to travel there pretty often anyway. Plus, it's a short(ish) drive home, and flights are usually pretty cheap. I don't think we will really know what we want to do until we have kids. Being around family is pretty awesome. I'm just not a MN winter gal. Not that Chicago is much better...

75) I am in the process of finding a church. But that's a whole other post.

76) Today I am fasting for a procedure tomorrow. It's 8:30 a.m. and my stomach is growling. And I have drink some crap to clear my system still. I don't suspect I will be most cheerful by the end of the day...

77) I can drink Diet Coke while I fast. That just may save my sanity.

78) I can NOT decide on a new camera. This photo was taken with one I bought then returned, and now wish I would have tried out for a bit longer. I think any camera could have gotten this shot because the lighting was great, but I just love that a sunflower is growing out of dead tree. (I doctored the colors obviously). My dad explained to the Shari's kids how a bird got seeds from the feeder and dropped one on the tree as it flew over. They were so intrigued- too cute. :)

Bring on the Funny

2009-09-21T18:50:00.006-05:00

The Big Bang Theory starts tonight on CBS. Laughter is the best medicine, right? :D

Click here to watch Sheldon try make a friend...

Working toward Normal

2009-09-18T09:31:00.003-05:00

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. The amount of comments to my last post surprised (and humbled) me. The sole reason for me writing my thoughts and feelings was to bring awareness to mental illness, nothing more. Ever since I first conquered mental illness several years ago, I promised myself that I would become an advocate for mental illness. I want to do more someday to help others, but today I can just share my experience and hope that helps, even just a little.

On that note, things are a little better. I'm not in bed as much. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and we're working back to the the meds I was on before things got bad. I wish I could just pop a pill and everything would be back to normal, but it will take work on my part also. I crashed, and now it's up to me to pick myself up. I know I need the meds- I was very anti-med years ago, and have since learned and accepted that I have a chemical imbalance, and I do actually NEED the meds. My diagnosis was (is) depression (moderate to severe), anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. These are diagnoses that I will always live with. However, when things are under control, you would never know. In fact, I like to think they kind of "go away", but I am always prone to them. The reality is they are there, in my brain, but drugs and therapy keep them at bay. Either way, I've learned to be okay with it as long as I'm feeling normal. They say there is no such thing as normal. There is to me. I know when I feel normal- my normal- and that's what I strive for. That is what I am going for right now. Today. Tomorrow. Every day until I get there.

Thanks again. I hope everyone has a great weekend! :)

Mental Health Reality

2009-09-14T16:38:00.003-05:00

Warning: bit of a Debbie-Downer post...

I haven't blogged anything significant in awhile. A couple months ago (I think- my time gauge is way off) I started having problems sleeping, as well dizziness and fainting. My psychiatrist set out a new medication regime for me. Keep in mind I have been on meds for depression and anxiety for many years, and I've been on a consistent 'maintenance' regime for a long time now. That all got thrown to the wind- you can imagine how that affected my mental state. Fast forward to now, two (or something) months later, and I am in a depressive state with regularly occuring panic attacks. I have been on several different meds at different doses since it all started. Now I just want to go back to where I was before 'The Big Med Change'. I was happy then. I was content. Now I'm a big mess. And going off my previous meds didn't stop the lightheadedness, so it was all pretty much for nothing. The good news is that I think we are gradually turning back to the tried and true. The bad news is, I am shit right now. The reason I am writing this post is to give you an insight of a truly depressed mind:

~ It is a chore to get out of bed in the morning. I would prefer to stay there all day. Crying.
~ Taking a shower seems like an impossible task. And once I get myself in the shower I sit in there forever, because getting out and getting dried off and dressed seems even more difficult.
~ I have no appetite. I eat because I have to, but sometimes I am literally gagging down food.
~ I sleep A LOT. Anyone who knows me, knows this is unusual.
~ Most the time my chest feels tight, and I have to remind myself to breath.
~ I feel like my nerves are physically shaking inside of me.
~ I go to work (trust me, it is a big deal that I make it there), but I am losing the ability to wear my mask of happiness. People have commented that I look ill.
~ I feel as if no one should choose us to raise their baby. I feel completely unequiped to be a wife, much less a mother.
~ My muscles ache. My body physically is hurting. My jaw hurts from clenching it. My legs and arms from tension. But driving to get a massage seems like too much work.
~I have avoided as many social outings as possible- I feel like I would bring everyone else down.

So why am I telling you all this? Because it is real. And because I know I am stronger than this depressive state. I know I can beat it. I haven't- yet- but I will. I just think that maybe, just maybe telling everyone tidbits of what it feels like to be depressed may help one person realize they are not alone. I am stronger than depression and anxiety. God is stronger. He will get me through this. But if you want to say a prayer, I certainly won't argue. Here's to a turn-around....

I have the best friends

2009-09-09T18:04:00.003-05:00

I had a bad day. I felt like I was surrounded by a cloud of bad energy and I just couldn't shake it. I was ready to come home and crawl into bed. But first I opened the mail. In it was a card from one of my best friends, along with this picture taped to it. I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard. Thanks, friend, for making my day! :)

Seriously???

2009-09-08T09:19:00.005-05:00

A couple days ago I came across an article stating that adoption is morally wrong. Adopting is criminal for adoptive parents because of the pain they put onto the birth mother. And it is criminal for birth mothers to "throw away" what is supposed to be theirs. I tried looking for this article yesterday and couldn't find it, but I did come across another one, which is very similar to what the other said. I am curious of your opinion of this article. Me, personally, it made me speechless. I don't even know how to reply to such opinions, honestly.

http://www.originsnsw.com/fathers/id3.html

As a side note, I was encouraged while looking for the article. When I typed in "adoption" and "wrong" or "morally wrong", I got probably 50 hits of pro-adoption to 1 anti-adoption.

ETA: I probably shouldn't have even posted this, but I find the idea so out there, that I had to share. I certainly have not one ounce of doubt that adoption is anything but good. I just wonder how a mind works to believe so strongly against adoption, you know?

I can take it

2009-09-05T09:09:00.005-05:00

What is everyone doing on this last official weekend of summer??? I work, so that's boring, but I can still hear about the fun stuff. Camping, bbqs with lawn games, parties??? Please let me live vicariously through you! :)

Have a wonderful weekend!

*Davin playing monster golf with his brothers. :)

Cruising for Zoila

2009-08-31T20:04:00.001-05:00

The show Flipping Out on Bravo is one of my favorites. It was off the air last year, but is back now- I had forgotten how amusing Jeff Lewis (OCD, mean, sarcastic house-flipper) can be. Maybe it takes more than one clip to appreciate it, but I thought I'd share anyway! :)

Not meant to be

2009-08-31T08:49:00.002-05:00

I had a different adoption entry in my mind, but something else came up. I know a girl who knew a girl who is pregnant. Adoption was talked about. So I gave her our adoption profile to give to the young couple about a week ago. She finally was able to get a hold of them yesterday (I believe). At which point they had just chosen an adoptive family. Just. When the situation first came up I wasn't very hopeful because it sounded like it was just the parents that wanted them to make an adoption plan. But the more I learned, which wasn't too much, but it sounded like the birth parents were leaning toward adoption also. So what did I do? I got my hopes up. Of course. The girl is only 3 or 4 months along, so I would have never thought they would already choose a family. This is the rollercoaster of adoption. Hopes rise, hopes crash. Over and over. We cling to any little thing that could become something. Even if we try not to, it stays on our mind.

I trust and know that God has our baby, and we will adopt the child who meant to be ours. But this morning I'm crying just a little.

I've said it before and I'll say it again

2009-08-28T17:29:00.004-05:00

Birth mother's are incredible. The pain they go through is beyond imaginable. The feelings of literally giving up your baby, and then the doubt and the worry after the baby is gone. The grief...I cannot imagine. I sometimes watch Adoption Stories on Discovery Health. I like to see how every situation is different. But every time I watch a birth mother spend her last minutes with her baby and then handing her away...I just lose it. The pain is so real. Every night I pray- I wish for you to also- for birth mothers. That God gives them the strength to make the decision that is right for them. That once they make that decision, they continue to have strength to get through what they decide. I wish abortion never happened, but I pray for those mother's also. I cannot imagine what they must be feeling to terminate a pregnancy- the fear, the pain, the sadness. To all birth mother's who chose not to raise their babies because they believe and/or know that the baby deserves a better life: Thank you, and may God always give you strength and peace in your decision.

P.S. Please do NOT make this a political post. I will delete any comment made negatively about abortion.

For my love, Davin

2009-08-27T10:50:00.010-05:00

The Winner is....

2009-08-27T09:47:00.014-05:00

CONGRATULATIONS Sue!!!!
Just one question, just which Sue are you? Eek, I don't know who my winner is! Just shoot me an email, okay? (lorz.kangas@gmail.com) and give me an address of where to send this bag!

I just wanted to say this giveaway was so much fun!!! About twenty (yes, 2-0) people entered, some with more than one entry! I love the prize, I love the game, and I'm already thinking about my next one! Thanks everyone for participating! :)

Reminder- GIVEAWAY

2009-08-25T09:13:00.003-05:00

Just a reminder that this giveaway ends tomorrow night- get your entry in!!!

Hi

2009-08-23T19:41:00.002-05:00

That's all.

Curiousity and the Cross-dresser

2009-08-21T08:26:00.007-05:00

Because everyone (including myself) is sick of hearing about my sleep issues.

So, the other day I was at work. I saw a man walk in and thought nothing of it because husbands/boyfriends/etc. always are in our store. However, after awhile I noticed he was filling up his arms with clothes. So I walked up to him and said (all cheerfully), "So, are you here with someone or are you shopping for someone?" To which this large man, wearing guy jeans, a casual tee, and a Red Sox baseball hat said, "Just for me!" Oops. My immediate response, "Fantastic! Let me get you a fitting room started!" So I did. Piles and piles of skirts, dresses, and all else dressy. I had put him in the back-up dressing room as we don't normally allow men in our dressing rooms, so I was sure to check up on him often. Both so that he knew he wasn't neglected away from the main dressing rooms, but also because....dare I say it?...I was wanting him to show off his clothes!!! Don't gasp, you know you would be curious also! And it's not that I haven't seen cross-dressers before, but, dude, a fashion show? That would be just plain awesome. Alas, he never came out with the clothes on. However, he did leave with a long, flared denim skirt. He put two things on hold that "he LOVES and HAS to have" (as he said in a very manly, not at all flare voice). One was a red dress coat (agreed, it is gorgeous), and the other was a denim vest to go with the skirt.

So, Matt didn't give me a fashion show, as I was secretly hoping, but you can bet I tried to imagine him with a long denim skirt, with a brick red dress coat over it! :)

ETA: I cross-dress sometimes myself. You know, men's jeans and a men's t-shirt. Even boy short panties. I'm stylish that way.

Tired Grrr

2009-08-20T08:47:00.004-05:00

Slept, oh, a couple hours last night. Don't get me wrong, I am still thankful for the 7 hours the night before, but I couldn't hope, wish, pray it would happen two nights. But of course not.

I've have insomnia for as long as I can remember. It goes in cycles of sorts. I can go many month getting 8-plus hours of sleep. Sometimes I get frustrated during those times also because even though I get that amound of sleep, I wake up a minimum of 2 times a night- usually it's three or four. This isn't healthy sleep. I'm not getting that deep sleep that allows our body to completely rest. Right now it's been about three weeks of insomnia. And what it does to the mind- MAN!- it's takes it toll. If you have insomnia, or even not, you can probably understand just how important sleep is for our mental health. And physical health. I've lost my appetite (seriously), every muscle in my body is tense, and my face is swelled up mad. I got a massage yesterday- she couldn't get beyond the surface of the rocks of muscles. And I don't mean I'm buff- just tight. Well, not tight in a good way, tight in a tense way.

-YAWN- I know this is my third post in a row about sleep. I should apologize, but this my life, thus my blog. I do have a better entry in mind, but I'm too tired to put in in words. I'm going to sleep now. Ha.

Happy sigh

2009-08-19T08:23:00.003-05:00

I just slept for 7 hours straight. Seven HOURS. I was so happy when I woke up at 7:30 this morning that there was no way I could fall back to sleep. Happy, happy, happy! Take that, stupid body- the mind has conquered this battle of the war! HA!

Oh, happy *sigh*.

Grrr!

2009-08-18T10:24:00.005-05:00

I have battles with myself often- not so much since my *crazy* days, but they come up from time to time. Sometimes Mind vs Mind, sometimes Body vs Body. The latest:

Mind VS. Body, Round 2,021.

I can't sleep lately. My body seems to think 4 hours of total sleep is adequate. Which often means cycles of 30-60 minutes sleeping, followed by at least 2 hours of full awakeness. My mind, on the other hand, knows that just isn't enough sleep, especially in crazy short cycles. The problem is my body is kind of laid-back and cocky, and thinks it's funny to win the battle. My mind...well, my mind has a really bitchy temper. It's a lose-lose. Thus the Grrr!

Giveaway- Best bag EVER

2009-08-12T09:27:00.005-05:00

I won this bag from Punkyseed a couple months ago. It is AWESOME! I'm all about using reusable bags. The problem is they get left in my car and I forget about them until I'm checking out. But this beauty- this fits in my purse. And, for the record, I don't have a bottomless-yell-to-hear-your-echo purse; or as Davin calls them- a war bag. :P Not that I'm against war bags- I fully intend on having one when I have a baby. But for now I have my cute cross-body, flat*ish* Fossil purse. And the bag rolls up (easily, may I add- I don't have endless patience), and slides perfectly in one of the phone pockets for easy access. And the bag is STRONG. I had 3 two-liters of soda, a one-liter of water, and a few big bags of candy in it the other day and it held no problem. All the goodies were for my "me" night. Kidding. They were for the fam. Not that I wouldn't eat two big bags of tootsie rolls on my own. And, last, but probably most importantly, it's super cute!!!

So, you want one? You know you do! Leave a comment telling me which design you like best for one entry. To find your design visit http://www.envirosax.com/. You may choose from the Graphics, Kids, or Green Grocers series. (5-1 not valid for this giveaway- sorry). ***For a second entry, post a link to this post on your blog or on facebook.

Since it's summer and everyone is busy on vacation and getting ready for school, I'm giving this giveaway two weeks before I randomly draw a winner. The giveaway closes at 11:59 p.m. on Wednesday, August 26th, 2009. Good luck! :)

Oh, by the way, this bag is my every-store bag. Book stores, check. Target, check, check. Grocery store, triple check. You WILL get a ton of use out of it! :)

Thank you, Charlie

2009-08-11T11:09:00.004-05:00

So, as some of you may know, yesterday I sent out almost 300 emails to principals and school administrators around the state. I started at about 9 a.m. and finished around 9 p.m. Other than some yoga, a shower, and eating a couple meals, that's all I did yesterday. My eyes were burning by the time I shut down my computer. And I knew it was a 'risk' sending to principals because they probably get many emails, but I figured they were the ones who could forward it on to their staff. Anyway, I went to bed exhausted and feeling a little defeated because I wasn't sure sending the emails was going to lead anywhere.

Then my phone rang about half an hour ago. It was a 218 number, so it made me go, "huh". I answered and the caller said, "Hi, Laura. This is Charlie from Greenway High School. I just got your email and felt compelled to give you call". !!! He said he definitely noticed the email because it was sent directly to him and not a secretary (and also because it was from a Kan***- there are A LOT in the Iron Range). :) We chatted for about five minutes, and he said he is sending on the email along with a note that he had personally spoke to me and would encourage anyone to be in touch with us if they hear of an adoption situation.

Oh, yeah, it was worth those 12 hours and 300 emails. Thank you, Charlie from Greenway High School. :)

On the search for...

2009-08-10T11:48:00.002-05:00

...a vellia recipe. Yeah, yeah, I probably spelled that wrong, but you know what I'm talking about. :D But I don't really want the St. John's recipe that serves hundreds- just a single batch would be good! Thanks in advance to anyone who has the recipe! :)

House with attitude!

2009-08-05T18:20:00.011-05:00

Before...

After!

A moment of peace

2009-07-30T18:54:00.011-05:00

The next couple weeks may be a roller coaster for me, as I will be making some big med changes. I am feeling a bit uneasy about it all, to say the least. However, today I had a moment of complete peace. I stopped by the cementary- it has been one year since Pappa passed away. It was a beautiful day, and I sat on the grass feeling relaxed and at ease. I enjoyed sitting in silence, and even having a little chat with Pappa. I am not a writer, and cannot put into words exactly how I felt, but it was a beautiful moment, and I think that just maybe Pappa was passing his calm, laid-back personality onto me. :)

While I was there I had to take a quick picture of the American flag at Pappa's headstone, which was very appropriately mended up with duct tape. Those who know Ellen and Pappa can understand how that made me smile. :)

The Winner...

2009-07-30T08:42:00.006-05:00

I used random.org to draw a winner- I tried to post it on here, but it didn't work. Anyway, the winner is....

Ethiopifinn!!!! I started laughing when I saw you were the winner because of your comment- lol! Hey, now you can order an...um, updated dvd! Or a good book- whichever makes you happy! :) Zip me an email so I can send you your Amazon.com gift card!

First, thank you everyone for your great suggestions! No, I did not order Jillian's 30 Day Shred- I've heard it's killer, which is awesome, but I need beginner. Same for X90- I heard the diet involved is major killer- I'll definitely keep it in mind for when I'm in great shape! ;) So what did I order? First, I ordered Carmen Electra's series- from reviews it looks like it's not much of a workout, which means for me it's a perfect beginning workout- seriously, I'm in bad shape! Then I ordered "Yoga: Just My Size With Megan Garcia". It's for plus-sized people- there were some positive reviews on Amazon.com about it. (That's one thing I love about Amazon- I love the reviews!)

And I want to say CONGRATS! to Tara on your success!!! (I couldn't put your anonymous admirer into the drawing because he or she didn't give their name!) ;)

Giveaways are FUN!!! Keep an eye out for my next one! Have a wonderful day everyone! :)

GIVEAWAY!!!

2009-07-24T16:35:00.005-05:00

A $20 gift card (via email) to amazon.com!

The doc says I'm too stressed out. So I need to get back into yoga. I mean, real yoga, not just a few stretches that I do here and there. I also need to learn to dance. Why? Because it's exercise and exercise is a great stress-reliever for me. (And because I started watching "So You Think You Can Dance", and now my greatest dream is to be at least as good as the worst dancers auditioning. I think I should be able to get there. I'm a Finn- we've been compared to passionate Latinos when it comes to music. Ha. Even still, I want to dance, and I Think I Can!)

Please tell me what your favorite workout dvd is. Yoga, dance, or otherwise. Actually, I don't care what your favorite is if your favorite is anything beyond beginner. How about you just give me a good suggestion for a BEGINNER workout.

One entry per person. Entries must be in by 11:59 p.m. (central time), Wednesday, July 29th. I will randomly draw a winner Thursday morning.

Thanks for the dvd suggestions and GOOD LUCK!!! :)

Oh, and I chose amazon.com as a prize because it is where I buy all my 'media'- books, music, dvds- you can get them for low, low prices! :)

Laura, baker

2009-07-21T18:41:00.003-05:00

I am half proud and half ashamed to post this picture. Proud because I baked my first pie ever today. Ashamed because I have never made a pie before in my life- yikes! Proud because I made three mini pies (two for the freezer), and one regular size one (also for the freezer). Ashamed because this one turned out pretty darned ugly. Proud because....hey, it may have turned out yummy! I don't like blueberries (GASP!), but I'll have Davin test it tonight. It's actually for his birthday tomorrow. I don't know that it would be his number one pick, but we had two gallons of blueberries from the U.P. sitting in our freezer since last season, so I figured I should start using them! Next up, blueberry pancakes and blueberry muffins. I don't love cooking...who am I kidding- I loathe the kitchen, but I know it would be a great shame to not use U.P. blueberries, right? :)

Colorful Chit-Chat

2009-07-20T22:21:00.002-05:00

Re-cap. Or something.

2009-07-15T20:01:00.004-05:00

I haven't moved from this comfy chair since we got back from Michigan on Monday afternoon. Lie. I have moved, but I haven't accomplished anything important, so I may as well have stayed here. I am still recovering from the vacation. And by vacation, I don't mean fun-fun-fun!- I mean Fun-YIKES-CRASH! Families are tiring. You know why? 'Cause both Davin and I come from crazy families. Yes, it's true. Joe and Sandy's family: CRAZY. Wes and Cheryl's family: CRAZY. So.many.people. This girl can't handle the chaos. Not true. I can because I did. But still, you know what I mean. And if you're thinking I didn't I have fun, you're wrong. As it turns out, you can be completely stressed out and still manage to enjoy yourself. Who woulda thunk? We were on the lake every day. I think we hit every beach in the Keewanaw. We saw lots of family- so.many.people. We ate Ambassador pizza- YUM. I ate Mackinaw Island icecream and didn't get sick. (I've since tried 60 varieties of icecream since we've been home and it seems I am cured- uh oh!) But the highlight of the trip....oh, the highlight!!!! ROFL....hold on....LOL....it's a funny story....LMAO....okay, -deep breath-. On our last night there we went to Sedar Bay to visit Grandpa and Grandma. (That's not the funny part...although they are entertainment alone). Grandpa had lit the sauna, so we had to sauna-swim, right? Well, Dan and Lynne were there also so we headed down together. The waves were big. And I mean BIG. So we had to ride them. That's the funny part. Well, not that we rode the waves, but being in the waves, and screaming, and then watching Dan and Davin try do tricks in the wave. ....okay, so you had to be there. Whatever. But you know that laugh, when you every bit of tension is released (so.many.people) and nothing is holding you back- you laugh and feel so light??? It was wonderful. It was the perfect end to a fun, chaos-but-laughter-filled weekend.

And I got pictures to boot:

And if you want to see the less-funny-just-cute pictures, click here.

Going to the Goob, Goob, Goob!

2009-07-08T22:08:00.008-05:00

How about you, you, you???

Have a good weekend everyone!!!

Help Wanted

2009-07-07T11:13:00.004-05:00

Let's say you walk into a sandwich shop. In the lobby is a bulletin board. Do you look at the contents posted on the board? What do you notice? There is a half-page flyer that says "DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE CONSIDERING ADOPTION?" in bold on the top. Do you read on? There are two large photos of a smiling couple. The text is pretty brief:

"Hi! We (Davin and Laura) have been married for nine years. We are happy and thankful for the life we share, but feel a void having not been blessed with children. We are hopeful that adoption may provide us the chance to start a family. We are working with Adoption Minnesota, a licensed adoption agency in Minneapolis. (www.adoption-minnesota.com)
Please learn much more about us online at:
laura-davin-adopt.blogspot.com
OR contact us by email or phone:
laura.davin.adopt@gmail.com
(***) ***-****"

Do you think, A) This couple is nuts and terribly desperate!, B) Hmm, do I know anyone???, or C) Oh look, a puppy for sale! If you thought somewhere along the lines of B, where else would you notice this flyer? Would you take one of the business cards by the flyer?

We're trying out some networking. I am heading toward the cities tomorrow with the flyers, and would love some ideas of where I could post them. If you think we're nuts, that's alright too...but you can keep you thoughts to yourself, even though I just asked for them.... :D

ETA: If you would like the pdf to our flyer to hang in your local coffee/sandwich shop, or your church, or your work break room, please feel free to email me, and I'll email it to you!

Thank you much! :)

Truly...

2009-07-03T16:07:00.003-05:00

Hope everyone has a fun and safe Independence Day! :)

2009-06-23T15:46:00.003-05:00

What Leanne said.

On my knees

2009-06-22T19:18:00.006-05:00

Today has been a draining day, full of sadness and pain. I spend one moment praying with all my might, and the next cursing at God, and then back to praying. Why do bad things happen to good people??? I was going to attend a church service this evening that addressed that very issue, but when it was time to go I was in my "I'm pissed at God" moments. Yes, I admit, I am weak and get angry at God. But I will not stop praying. Ever. But this post isn't about me- it's about the people who could use your prayers also:

Please pray for Dan and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is my cousin. Her and her husband, Dan, were in a very bad car accident yesterday. Both are still unresponsive and in critical condition. They have three young children who need them.

ETA: Both Dan and Elizabeth seem to be responding some now...miracles DO happen, right?

Dan and Elizabeth's Caringbridge

Please for Emily. Emily is a woman in our adoption group. Her and her partner, Elizabeth, adopted a baby girl, Gwyn, six months ago. She is going through treatment for cancer that was in remission until recently.

Emily's Caringbridge

Please continue to pray for Gregory. Gregory, as you probably know, is our godson, who has ongoing medical issues. He just recently spent three days at the hospital receiving IV antibiotics for another infection. This is very much his life.

Gregory's Caringbridge

"Two Hands" by Jars of Clay

2009-06-19T22:56:00.011-05:00

So, I've been trying to form a blog entry in my head for several days now, but my thoughts just keep spinning. If I had one word to describe how I feel about life right now, it would "Confused". There is a lot of pain around me that I don't understand. Anyway, I was driving home from St. Cloud tonight, and this song came on the radio. I didn't even realize that I was paying attention to the lyrics until I noticed my head felt lighter than it has in days. This song is pretty much how I'm feeling right now- about life, about faith. Going from 101.3 to 98.5 on my car radio may be turning out to be a good thing for me.

About that, I started listening to spiritual stations last week when I first was feeling a lot of sadness and grief. I was pretty cynical at first- all the talk about God didn't make me comforted at all- in fact I cried a lot because it didn't sound real to me and I was angry. But it started to become more comfortable, and tonight was the first time I was really, truly glad I had it on. It was the first time I felt like I truly benefited from it.

Anyway, this is "Two Hands", by Jars of Clay. I haven't quite made it to the final paragraph yet, as far as my life goes, but I trust I'll get there.

Hey yo

2009-06-11T16:06:00.005-05:00

~I haven't felt up for blogging...
~but I feel like I should, so here goes:
~Davin and I got away for a short vacation to AZ. It was great to have quality time with him!
~Even though I got sick EVERY afternoon from the heat.
~For that reason, we probably won't ever move there.
~We'll just visit Leanne when she moves there.
~Any suggestions on where we should travel next to find our future home?
~Did you know that at any given time of the day you can watch Law and Order on tv?
~Seriously. It's always on.
~I'm turning it off.
~Silence. Much better.
~For those who live under a rock- or in a cave- we're waiting for a baby.
~And waiting.
~And waiting. I'm losing patience.
~Not that I ever had any.
~On the cheerful side of pregnancy- Congrats, Mindi! How exciting for you!
~And it was great to see you!
~I have not forgotten about my list of 100 things.
~That will be a more ambitious post.
~When I feel ambitious.
~I just put medicated lotion on my feet for muscle pain.
~Standing for hours in retail kills the feet.
~But now it reeks to high heaven in here for menthol.
~Disgust.
~It's too quiet- gotta turn some music on.
~Wake up now, this post is over.

2009-06-08T21:48:00.006-05:00

~I got sick every day from the sun and heat.
~Other than that is was perfect. :)

Say Hey by Michael Franti

2009-05-29T15:58:00.005-05:00

Doesn't this just make you wanna get up and DANCE??? ...and to the question I know you're gonna ask- this singer was adopted as an infant by a Finnish couple. :D

A walking affirmation

2009-05-27T16:38:00.006-05:00

I realized last night that these were all a part of my outfit...

All I need is "Believe" tattooed on my arm. :D

P.S. I wear both bracelets almost every day. The silver one says, "believe in yourself", "be brave", "be kind", "be happy", and "be well". Sometimes when I'm feeling frustrated or crabby I'll look down to see what it's telling me. :)

Big sisters can be bullies

2009-05-26T21:31:00.005-05:00

Leanne's been all over my business to post another blog entry. So here it is.

...that's all. (yeah, not a whole lot to blog about at the moment.)

My playlist

2009-05-18T18:46:00.006-05:00

I spent some of this afternoon putting together a playlist for the first time. I was trying to distract my mind from my feelings- it worked well for awhile. Basically, all the songs are ones that I like (obviously)- some new, some older. I kept out the country songs that I like- the ones that have meaning to me. Only for the sole reason that I dislike country music in general, and I felt these songs- even with the good memories- kind of ruined the vibe of the list... I tend to like soundtracks with lesser-known artists. I could have put almost the entire soundtracks from Juno and P.S. I Love You on here, but I stuck with a couple of my favorite from each. Enjoy.

P.S. If I have to pick a favorite from this list it would be track 5: Anyone Else But You, sung by Michael Cera and Ellen Page from Juno.

ETA: You and Me by Plain White T's is my phone ring tone, so now when I have my playlist playing I grab for my phone when it comes on. For dumb.

Seriously?!

2009-05-15T15:49:00.003-05:00

I've been a girl my entire life, but I still don't understand the point of these crazy things they call "hormones". They make a perfectly sane girl (hey, some may argue that I am indeed sane) turn all nutso!!! Grrrr- don't come too close, I might bite you! Just kidding, I love you- you're an angel. In fact, I can't imagine my life without you- -SOB-, what?! You think I'm fat?! Don't look at me like that! ---SIGH--- I love you- and you- and you...

The new Laura?

2009-05-12T19:26:00.004-05:00

I'm working on being positive. I met a couple virtual friends in real life over the weekend. (It was awesome to meet you both, Elizabeth and Amy!). Among other things, a couple things that came up in conversation were people and their energy, and facebook. (Not necessarily together). As we talked I realized I ~~sometimes~~ often like to antagonize people who are generally negative. One example: I had a friend on facebook from high school. We weren't friends back then, but we got in touch through facebook. At first it was fun, but over time I got sick of her constant negativity. She is the prime example of an attention-seeker. And an energy vampire. Finally, I had enough and I started to call her out on her dramatic status updates. She would say, "I have the worst job ever- shoot me now!" I'd say, "Then quit. Find a new job". She would say, "Holy Hell! Everyone in this world SUCKS". And I'd say, "Really? Everyone? Do you really think that?" And on and on...but what kind of person does that make me? Not only was it annoying and unnecessary, but I was drawing in her bad energy. So, on Monday, I finally deleted her as a friend, along with a couple others that seem to suck my energy. It's not that I don't like these people- I actually do- but I don't need their bad energy right now. I need to stay positive to keep going in my life right now. Things have been rough, and it's best for me to surround myself with good energy, and let the bad go. And I have to say, it's already made a huge difference! Of course, I'm Miss Sarcastic, and that often comes across as negative. I'm working on that- it'll probably take awhile because I've been like that FOREVER, and besides, it's not always bad. I have to sort out what sarcasm is okay because it really is part of my personality, and what has got to go.

Final thought for now: I will never be a constant Miss Positive. I acknowledge that I will always have bad days- even if I weren't prone to depression, I would still have bad days. After all, I am human. And I ~~may even~~ will sometimes vent about it. But, in general, I am choosing to keep my head up with a smile on my face. How does that sound? :)

Laura...

2009-05-06T16:00:00.001-05:00

~is thinking she should just do status updates on her blog- kind of like facebook. This way she may blog more often.
~just ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich- they always taste so yummy.
~realized about an hour ago that she had gone all day (until now) without thinking about Kiya. She almost felt guilty, but instead realized she is in fact healing.
~wishes she was going to be at Leanne's garage sale tomorrow to take pictures. Oh, that would be so blog-worthy. And super entertaining.
~instead, she is going to work.
~is going to Arizona for her wedding anniversary at the beginning of June. She is so excited to take a vacation with her husband.
~is grateful that Davin is employed, but, man, has he been working A LOT lately.
~can hear thunder and rain. Rain is good. Clearwater needs it 'cause it's too expensive to water lawns. She's thinking she'll have a brown yard in no time.
~is so sick of talking in the third person. She wonders how many of you are annoyed also?