Let Go and Let God

I am still in pain. I sometimes wonder if this particular pain will ever leave me. Will I ever feel peace in my mind where these ugly memories lie? It's a scary place to be. Here, in this part of my mind, I feel sadness. Anger- A LOT of anger. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety. I want to bash my head against a concrete wall. Did I say anger? But what I am learning is that I NEED to let these feelings go if I want to move on in my recovery and remain healthy. It's a daily struggle to fight these feelings. I don't know how to rid my mind of them. People keep telling me that is just takes time. I'm practicing patience. I need to remind myself over and over that God is taking care of me, and he will take care of these feelings, when the time is right.

For now I try to stay out of that part of my brain as much as possible. Sometimes that means cranking Shade45 on my radio and drowning out any and all thoughts that may be lingering there. Unfortunately that means my sailor mouth is growing at a ridiculous speed. Have you ever listened to the lyrics in rap music? Bad, bad stuff! But I love. Yeah, I'm effed up.

On a happy note, I got my 60 days clean this past week! At first I wasn't sure I wanted to get it because even though I didn't use, I was stuck in addictive thinking and behavior. I kind of felt like a fraud. The second day I got it I felt a little better. Day three I told myself I deserved. By Day Seven (today) I believed I deserved it. Sixty 24-hrs in a row. That's pretty dang awesome. So, today, I will try my best to let go and let God show me how to live my life. One 24-hours at a time.

Peace.

Grateful

I've been reading everyone's gratefuls all month on Facebook. I think it is incredibly important to take the time to think about your life and recognize what you do have in life, rather than what you don't have. It seems so easy, but it's been difficult for me lately. I have had things happen in the past couple weeks that I cannot seem to work through. I try- and I mean, REALLY try, to talk about it, but it's so painful. As a result, I am left feeling angry and cynical at the world. I find it difficult to find what is good in my life. Instead I think about the people who have harmed me and my family. I wonder why God let this happen. I wonder if I will heal. But in the spirit of the season, I will take this time to list the things in life that I am blessed to have, and that I am grateful for. It may have taken longer than I would have liked to come up with this list, but I'm glad I took that time. Here goes:

I am always grateful for Dominic. I can feel like my soul is shattering into pieces and the moment he walks in the room and gives me a smile, all those feelings go away. I can dance with him, read to him, play trains, tell stories- it doesn't matter, when I'm spending time with him my heart is content.

I am grateful for Davin. He has been so supportive through everything. He got hurt just as I did last week, and I hate to see the pain in his eyes, but having someone love me that much is humbling. Especially when I feel like the biggest fuck-up.

I am grateful for my mom and dad. I shared my pain with them, and they didn't judge, they didn't get angry- they just held me. I felt like a child in their arms, and knew things would be okay because they will never give up on me.

I am grateful for my friends in NA. The ones who listen and offer a hug. The ones who make me laugh. When I'm feeling in so messed up I want to cry, sometimes the best thing I can do is laugh. I am extremely grateful for my stupid sense of humor and those who share it with me.

I am grateful for my best friends that have stood by me for decades. Even when we go awhile without talking when life gets busy, we can pick up right where we left off. That's pretty dang awesome.

I am grateful for life and the strength that God has given me. I have been tested to the core in the past week, and never did I want to pick up and use. Not even once. That's a HUGE blessing.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with loved ones. I'll leave with a Thanksgiving photo of the love of my life:

Feelings...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. No surprise there. But there was a reason this time. I started blogging about my addiction and then got scared. I put it out there and then had moments of regret. See, addiction has such a huge stigma attached to it. Much more than mental illness, which is strange, because they really are one in the same. But when someone mentions a drug addict, I am willing to bet that the majority of people stereotype: a drug addict is someone who has no self-control, abuses public assistance, are not worthy of help, are low-lifes, etc. Yes, of course there are addicts who collect government funding and probably don't deserve it. Yes, some are what you may call "low-lifes". But step back and think about how this person got to be where they are. Some people know no life outside of drugs- their parents used, they used. That doesn't excuse them from being responsible as an adult, but it is often much easier said than done.

When I went through treatment I was told over and over that relapse is part of recovery. It pissed me off. I felt like they were setting me up to fail. But over time I came to see this is true. If someone enters recovery and never relapses, that is absolutely amazing. But it doesn't happen often. When you're addicted to something, your body feels that it NEEDS it. When you use, you don't know how to function without using. For example, I lost a loved one recently. It's been over two weeks and I have yet to grieve. Not because I don't care, but because I am terrified to feel the pain. I spent so much time numbing my emotions that I have forgotten how to FEEL. I don't want to cry. I don't want to miss her. I just want to forget about it. If I was in active addiction, I would use to avoid these feelings.

So what am I doing if I'm not using, but I'm still not feeling? I'm stuck. The emotions are there, waiting to be released, but the best I can do is bring them out in other avenues. For me, that means anger. I have had the so many misplaced feelings in the past couple weeks it's ridiculous. I have gotten angry about things that I would normally never feel upset about. I snap at someone for looking at me the wrong way. I went to a boxing class a couple days ago thinking that would help, but oddly, it made it worse. I felt that getting that aggression out would ease my mind because usually it does for me, but this time was different. It was awesome to get the workout, but I feel like my emotions are stirred up more than before. I need to deal with them. SOON. Otherwise, I'm gonna go crazy and let all my anger out on someone who does not deserve it. I have to trust that God will guide me through my emotions and that I will be okay, no matter what, as long as I don't use.

Just For Today: I will let go and let my Higher Power guide my life...

Consequences

Just for Today: I will think about the consequences of my actions before I take them. 

This was part of today's daily meditation from "Just For Today", the book. I wasn't sure that I should blog about my addiction. I wasn't sure how loved ones would react. Or how some people may cast judgement. I wondered if it would hurt anyone. I'm still not completely sure, so I am taking it slow. If you've read my blog before, you know my life is an open book. I may not share it all here, but if you want to talk you can always email me. When I shared my story of depression I wasn't sure it was the right thing, but it turned out that it helped others. So maybe by sharing my latest eff-up I'll help someone else. I can only pray.

Until then, I'll leave you with this ray of sunshine that gets me through each day. Both of them, actually. Davin, my rock, and Dominic, my wings.

Peace.

Hi, I'm Laura and I'm an addict...

It is my new identity. The first time I had to say it out loud it sounded strange. The words came out of my mouth, but I felt like I was living in some alternative world where my mind and body were not connected and the words I spoke had no meaning. After I said it enough times it started to sink in. That was a scary place. Yes, I am addict. How the hell did I get here, and why am I readily admitting over and over that I am this person who I have come to loathe? I battled through those days, the ones I felt the meaning behind the words. My heart felt heavy, yet empty. I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back at me. I had hit rock bottom and I was doing everything 'they' told me to do to get my life back. But time, it moved so slow. Each moment of each day I felt pain. I hadn't felt pain in a long time, and it's sensation now stings every nerve of my being. The pain is so real, so sharp. They tell me it will get better, but I wasn't sure.

It's been 134 days since I first decided quit opiates. My life has been all over the place since June 17th. The first days, I didn't think I'd make it. I became extremely afraid of the unknown. There's an entire story that covers the past 134 days, and the months and years prior to that. But I am here today. I am a new person today. I have strength today. And just for today, I will admit and accept that I have a disease called addiction. 

I'm Laura and I'm an addict. And I'm okay with that.

Peace.

ETA: I should clarify- I am not 134 clean. I hit a few bumps with other meds, and today I am 9 days clean. Still workin' on my 30 days...