Let Go and Let God

I am still in pain. I sometimes wonder if this particular pain will ever leave me. Will I ever feel peace in my mind where these ugly memories lie? It's a scary place to be. Here, in this part of my mind, I feel sadness. Anger- A LOT of anger. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety. I want to bash my head against a concrete wall. Did I say anger? But what I am learning is that I NEED to let these feelings go if I want to move on in my recovery and remain healthy. It's a daily struggle to fight these feelings. I don't know how to rid my mind of them. People keep telling me that is just takes time. I'm practicing patience. I need to remind myself over and over that God is taking care of me, and he will take care of these feelings, when the time is right.

For now I try to stay out of that part of my brain as much as possible. Sometimes that means cranking Shade45 on my radio and drowning out any and all thoughts that may be lingering there. Unfortunately that means my sailor mouth is growing at a ridiculous speed. Have you ever listened to the lyrics in rap music? Bad, bad stuff! But I love. Yeah, I'm effed up.

On a happy note, I got my 60 days clean this past week! At first I wasn't sure I wanted to get it because even though I didn't use, I was stuck in addictive thinking and behavior. I kind of felt like a fraud. The second day I got it I felt a little better. Day three I told myself I deserved. By Day Seven (today) I believed I deserved it. Sixty 24-hrs in a row. That's pretty dang awesome. So, today, I will try my best to let go and let God show me how to live my life. One 24-hours at a time.

Peace.

Grateful

I've been reading everyone's gratefuls all month on Facebook. I think it is incredibly important to take the time to think about your life and recognize what you do have in life, rather than what you don't have. It seems so easy, but it's been difficult for me lately. I have had things happen in the past couple weeks that I cannot seem to work through. I try- and I mean, REALLY try, to talk about it, but it's so painful. As a result, I am left feeling angry and cynical at the world. I find it difficult to find what is good in my life. Instead I think about the people who have harmed me and my family. I wonder why God let this happen. I wonder if I will heal. But in the spirit of the season, I will take this time to list the things in life that I am blessed to have, and that I am grateful for. It may have taken longer than I would have liked to come up with this list, but I'm glad I took that time. Here goes:

I am always grateful for Dominic. I can feel like my soul is shattering into pieces and the moment he walks in the room and gives me a smile, all those feelings go away. I can dance with him, read to him, play trains, tell stories- it doesn't matter, when I'm spending time with him my heart is content.

I am grateful for Davin. He has been so supportive through everything. He got hurt just as I did last week, and I hate to see the pain in his eyes, but having someone love me that much is humbling. Especially when I feel like the biggest fuck-up.

I am grateful for my mom and dad. I shared my pain with them, and they didn't judge, they didn't get angry- they just held me. I felt like a child in their arms, and knew things would be okay because they will never give up on me.

I am grateful for my friends in NA. The ones who listen and offer a hug. The ones who make me laugh. When I'm feeling in so messed up I want to cry, sometimes the best thing I can do is laugh. I am extremely grateful for my stupid sense of humor and those who share it with me.

I am grateful for my best friends that have stood by me for decades. Even when we go awhile without talking when life gets busy, we can pick up right where we left off. That's pretty dang awesome.

I am grateful for life and the strength that God has given me. I have been tested to the core in the past week, and never did I want to pick up and use. Not even once. That's a HUGE blessing.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving with loved ones. I'll leave with a Thanksgiving photo of the love of my life:

Feelings...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. No surprise there. But there was a reason this time. I started blogging about my addiction and then got scared. I put it out there and then had moments of regret. See, addiction has such a huge stigma attached to it. Much more than mental illness, which is strange, because they really are one in the same. But when someone mentions a drug addict, I am willing to bet that the majority of people stereotype: a drug addict is someone who has no self-control, abuses public assistance, are not worthy of help, are low-lifes, etc. Yes, of course there are addicts who collect government funding and probably don't deserve it. Yes, some are what you may call "low-lifes". But step back and think about how this person got to be where they are. Some people know no life outside of drugs- their parents used, they used. That doesn't excuse them from being responsible as an adult, but it is often much easier said than done.

When I went through treatment I was told over and over that relapse is part of recovery. It pissed me off. I felt like they were setting me up to fail. But over time I came to see this is true. If someone enters recovery and never relapses, that is absolutely amazing. But it doesn't happen often. When you're addicted to something, your body feels that it NEEDS it. When you use, you don't know how to function without using. For example, I lost a loved one recently. It's been over two weeks and I have yet to grieve. Not because I don't care, but because I am terrified to feel the pain. I spent so much time numbing my emotions that I have forgotten how to FEEL. I don't want to cry. I don't want to miss her. I just want to forget about it. If I was in active addiction, I would use to avoid these feelings.

So what am I doing if I'm not using, but I'm still not feeling? I'm stuck. The emotions are there, waiting to be released, but the best I can do is bring them out in other avenues. For me, that means anger. I have had the so many misplaced feelings in the past couple weeks it's ridiculous. I have gotten angry about things that I would normally never feel upset about. I snap at someone for looking at me the wrong way. I went to a boxing class a couple days ago thinking that would help, but oddly, it made it worse. I felt that getting that aggression out would ease my mind because usually it does for me, but this time was different. It was awesome to get the workout, but I feel like my emotions are stirred up more than before. I need to deal with them. SOON. Otherwise, I'm gonna go crazy and let all my anger out on someone who does not deserve it. I have to trust that God will guide me through my emotions and that I will be okay, no matter what, as long as I don't use.

Just For Today: I will let go and let my Higher Power guide my life...

Consequences

Just for Today: I will think about the consequences of my actions before I take them. 

This was part of today's daily meditation from "Just For Today", the book. I wasn't sure that I should blog about my addiction. I wasn't sure how loved ones would react. Or how some people may cast judgement. I wondered if it would hurt anyone. I'm still not completely sure, so I am taking it slow. If you've read my blog before, you know my life is an open book. I may not share it all here, but if you want to talk you can always email me. When I shared my story of depression I wasn't sure it was the right thing, but it turned out that it helped others. So maybe by sharing my latest eff-up I'll help someone else. I can only pray.

Until then, I'll leave you with this ray of sunshine that gets me through each day. Both of them, actually. Davin, my rock, and Dominic, my wings.

Peace.

Hi, I'm Laura and I'm an addict...

It is my new identity. The first time I had to say it out loud it sounded strange. The words came out of my mouth, but I felt like I was living in some alternative world where my mind and body were not connected and the words I spoke had no meaning. After I said it enough times it started to sink in. That was a scary place. Yes, I am addict. How the hell did I get here, and why am I readily admitting over and over that I am this person who I have come to loathe? I battled through those days, the ones I felt the meaning behind the words. My heart felt heavy, yet empty. I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back at me. I had hit rock bottom and I was doing everything 'they' told me to do to get my life back. But time, it moved so slow. Each moment of each day I felt pain. I hadn't felt pain in a long time, and it's sensation now stings every nerve of my being. The pain is so real, so sharp. They tell me it will get better, but I wasn't sure.

It's been 134 days since I first decided quit opiates. My life has been all over the place since June 17th. The first days, I didn't think I'd make it. I became extremely afraid of the unknown. There's an entire story that covers the past 134 days, and the months and years prior to that. But I am here today. I am a new person today. I have strength today. And just for today, I will admit and accept that I have a disease called addiction. 

I'm Laura and I'm an addict. And I'm okay with that.

Peace.

ETA: I should clarify- I am not 134 clean. I hit a few bumps with other meds, and today I am 9 days clean. Still workin' on my 30 days...

Question for fellow bloggers

Not that I can really call myself a blogger at this point. How often does one have to blog to be considered a legit blogger?

Anyhoo, I am wondering what blog site you use, and why. I have Blogspot down pretty well, but I'm wondering if there is a better one for the next blog I'm starting. I want one that does not have advertisements, for sure, and one that is pretty user friendly. I would love your opinion. Thanks a gazillion! :)

Twenty-nine

I wish I was a good story-teller, because the story of my 29th birthday is a pretty good one, and I know I can't do it justice, but here it is anyway.

Davin takes the day off work, and my parents (and Mary) take Dominic so we can go on a date. We start by going to Jared to look at rings. I lost my diamond ring over five years ago. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. We got a band to replace it, and we started slowly saving up for a new one. (No, we were not smart enough to have the first one on our home owner's insurance). Yesterday we were going to LOOK at rings. I never expected to get one. But we find the perfect band, and the perfect diamond, and, Wa-lah! I have a new ring. :)

Then we go shopping. I buy clothes that are not one, but TWO sizes smaller than I've been wearing. Honestly, as a day highlight, it was a toss up between this and the ring.

Oh, and lunch at Benihana. Yum.

We go to pick Dom up and are at my parents when The Storm starts. That was some crazy sh**. I start to feel anxious, and it gets worse when the power goes out. As soon as the sky lightens we head out. We start driving--- right into the storm. We stop at Lantto's because branches keep flying in front of us. When it seems to lighten up, we start driving again. We zig-zag through fallen trees and branches the rest of the way home.

We get home. I push the garage door opener. Nothing. The power is out. I go reach for my keys. Oops, no house keys- I left them inside because I didn't think I needed them. Davin's keys are locked in his car at the shop. Dominic is screeching in the back seat- it is past his bedtime and he is feeling like he has a fever.

Plan of action: bust into our house. For the second time. (The first time was when we were moving in- we found an open window and just had to knock the screen out). I have no idea what my part is, but I am holding a leatherman that is jammed in the door frame. Davin kicks in the door. I fly backward onto my a**, my shoulder hitting something and my arm scraping along something sharp on the way down. If I knew what our plan was, I would have picked the part of kicking a door in! But, whatever. We're in. We're soaked and sweaty and it's dark in the house, but we're home.

Dominic goes to sleep with out even one cry of protest. Poor boy is SO tired. I grab ice for my shoulder and we lay on the living room floor wondering if we should laugh, cry, or scream. I think we both just dozed off.

The power comes back on. I end my birthday by blowing out every candle we lit when the power was out. I may not have a had a cake, but I got to blow out a lot of candles!

The end.

Edited to Add: That was a really crappy telling of my birthday. But I'm still tired, so deal. :)

Coming up...

It was recently pointed out to me that I haven't blogged since February. Oops. I have do have a post floating through my head. I will get it done this weekend. Promise.

Here's a pic of my babe- look how big and CUTE he is!!! :)

What *you* can know about my son's adoption

Apparently, people are curious about adoption. It's not just our adoption- everyone I know who has adopted faces the same curiosities. The problem I have is the line there is between innocent inquiries and nosy and rude questions. There is definitely a line, and it is not always clear. The line lays at different places depending on who I am talking to. It is more faint to those I am closest to. It is closer to me, exposing more details. The less I know someone, the clearer the line gets and the further away from me it is. Adoption is new to a lot of people in my life, and I've been trying to figure out how much you can know:

Dominic is our son. We were chosen by his birth mother, T, a couple months before he was born. We met her and her family and fell in love. The birth father is not in the picture. Dominic has two biological sisters, one who we have spent time with. We are facebook friends with T. We send each other photos of our children via internet and text messaging. It is an open adoption. However, his birth mom does not see herself as Dominic's mother. He is our son, and that's the way she wants it.

That's it. That's all you need to know. To some of people there are chunks of information missing in our story. Big gaping holes, big bits of information. But I am hear to tell you, what you read is our story. It's what you get. What you don't get is 'why' Dominic's birth mother chose to place him into our arms. It is none of your business, and please listen to me when I say this: Do NOT ask anyone this question. Perhaps not all adoptive mothers feel this way, but it puts ME in an awkward position. In the past eight-plus months I have fumbled through this question, trying to find the proper answer. I was unprepared, and often ended up sharing more than I wanted, which I would later regret. My answer now is, and will always be: It is a personal decision she made, and we love her for it. We love her and her children like family.

Along the same line, do not make comments like, "Oh, he has been given a chance in life", or "He is much better off with you than his birth mom", or "Are you afraid she will come take him from you if you keep an open adoption?". The love that we adoptive parents feel for our children's birth mothers is incredible, and when you say things like this we take it personally. I am very defensive of T, and always will be. She is a wonderful human being, she is a wonderful mother, and if you feel the need to insult her, don't do it to my face. I will defend her tooth and nail, but let's just not go there, okay? (And a FYI to those who choose to judge freely, her tattoos don't make her a bad person. I mean, it's just ridiculous to make assumptions based on ink. Period.)

As for other details, they are part of Dominic's story, for him to tell. He will always know he is adopted, although we don't want it to be his identity. Much like you wouldn't expect an alcoholic to meet you by saying, "Hi, I'm Bob, and I'm an alcoholic", we don't want Dom's life to be, "Hi, I'm Dominic, and I'm adopted". If that makes sense...

As a disclaimer, I want to say I am speaking for myself. I have talked about this with several adoptive parents who feel the same way. But I don't speak for every adoptive mother. I know there are situations where children who were left abandoned, or the birth mother truly could not, in any way, care for her child(ren). I have heard of poor relationships between adoptive families and birth families. Adoption is a personal issue, and it is up to each family to place that line, to decide what they are willing to share. Don't cross the line. Think about what you are asking. Does is really make a difference in your life? Most of the time, probably not. So don't ask it.

All that being said, I am more than willing to answer general questions about adoption. Or about our story before Dominic came into the picture. Leading up to being matched with a birth family can be a crazy roller coaster, and there is a lot involved- the home study, the networking, the scams. That stuff I'm willing to share, because so many people in my life know so little about adoption, and I would love to educate them. But when it comes to Dominic and his birth family, just don't go there.

Thank you, sincerely. :)

Compromising With My Dreams

Three of my biggest dreams:

1) Play "Know or Go" on Ellen's show. Meet Ellen. (I will settle for being in her audience and dancing with her.)

2) Have front row seat to a Black-Eyed Peas concert at a small venue. (I will settle for decent seats at a large venue.)

3) Vacation in one of those bungalows that are set over the ocean- the ones where you that have a glass floor in the living room looking into the ocean, and you can jump right off your balcony into the Caribbean. (I will settle for another vacation at a Sandals in Jamaica.)

I wonder if I compromise with my dreams if they are more likely to come true??? I know we're planning on going to Jamaica or somewhere else tropical next year! :)

Oh, and did you know The Black-Eyed Peas are playing at halftime at the Superbowl tomorrow??? Freaky, frickin' AWESOME!

Holy crap!

It's been forever since I've blogged! Christmas was a freakin' lifetime ago! So do I do a Valentine's post, or should I just skip forward to the 4th of July? Oh, okay, I'll keep it current. Tidbits of my life between Christmas 2010 and now:

*Dominic is growing and growing. He has three teeth, with the fourth ready to pop. He loves to roll around the living room. He doesn't seem anywhere near crawling, but I'm okay with that. ;)

*I am doing my second 6-week Step Challenge through facebook. The first one was through the holiday season and I hurt my foot near the last two weeks. Spent a few days in walking cast. We're on week three of this challenge and I have had no pain- yay! I also started the Couch-to-5K program yesterday. My goal is to run a 5K this spring. There, I said it. I'm gonna run a 5K.

*I am back to practicing massage therapy! Who woulda thunk? Not me! But I love it, and it's my own business this time around so it's something new for me. I've been needing something for ME, and this does the trick!

*We are heading to Phoenix next week to see Dom's birth mom and his sisters. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. It will be great to see T and her girls, but traveling with an 8-month old doesn't sound appealing to me. But the forecast is in the mid-70's for next week, so who am I to complain?

*Gosh, my blog posts are boring. The only reason I had time to write anything is because my little college brother is watching the baby, and I have no massages scheduled, so I get to sit at Barnes and Noble and catch up on blogging. Too bad I don't have an exciting story to share, huh?

WAKE UP!!!!! (I'm done). Except for a current pic of the babe:

Merry belated Christmas!

So Thankful

I year ago today I was dreading the the holiday season. No matter how hard I tried (and I DID try) I could not get into the spirit of the season. It had been over six months since Kiya was born, and in that time we had heard nothing from any other potential birthmothers. I was weary of the adoption process, and cried at the thought of spending yet another Christmas without a baby. I come from a large family. Davin comes from a large famly. So holidays mean a lot of people, a lot of children. I adore all my nieces and nephews and enjoyed seeing them, but at the end of the day there was an enormous hole in my heart. By this point I was unsure adoption was going to work out for us. I thought maybe we would be the couple who doesn't have children and becomes the adopted grandparents to our nieces and nephews. I didn't want that. I cried for a child we could call our own.

A year ago today I had no idea that Dominic already existed. I dreamed of the year we would celebrate the holidays with a baby, but that is not something you can fully imagine if you've never been there. I sit here tonight and cannot believe my little baby is in the other room with his dad, talking and playing. I cannot believe tomorrow I will walk into my parents house, baby in tow. Santa will bring gifts to my child. It is all very overwhelming. I am not a mushy person, but my heart is bursting tonight. This is the holiday season I've been dreaming of. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for family- Davin's family, my family, our little family down in Arizona. I am thankful for Tia. She gave us the greatest gift, and I will treasure this Christmas season with all my heart.

Take time tomorrow to remind yourself what you are thankful for. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving ABC's

Here are my Thanksgiving ABC's:

A) Adoption. The single best thing that happened for us.

B) my Bed. Love, love, love it!

C) Cok***, my hometown, where my dear mom and dad live.

D) Dominic, my favorite person in the world.

E) Ellen. (DeGeneres and Torm****). One brings laughter into my life, and one is a treasure of grandma.

F) Faith, Family, and Friendship. All near and dear to me.

G) Google. Makes my life that much easier. :D

H) Hugs. Even though I'm not a hugger. A hug from Davin can make all my fears fade, if even for a moment.

I) Idiots who make me look smart.

J) Jumperoo- it makes my baby so happy! :)

K) Ka****'s and Koi*****'s. Love my families.

L) Laura. I am thankful for me. (It took years of therapy to learn this one!)

M) Music. R&B, rap, alternative, pop, rock, Indie, reggae, relaxation intrumental...just not country or heavy metal.

N) Neices and nephews. I am blessed with many.

O) Olive Garden. Mmmm, that sounds good right now...

P) Patience, which I am still learning...

Q) Quilts??? They are cozy!

R) Running. Or my case, jogging-at-a-walking-pace.

S) SUNSHINE.

T) Tia. Need I say more?

U) Understanding.

V) Vegas. Or any warm vacation. Although, I'm sure you have to go the equator to find warmth right now.

W) Windows- both literal and figurative.

X) eXcitment. ???

Y) Yesterdays for their memories.

Z) Zoos. Especially the monkeys.

May your Thanksgiving be blessed!

National Adoption Month

It's National Adoption Month. Obviously adoption is very near and dear to my heart, so I have been brainstorming all month about what exactly I want to talk about when it comes to adoption. There so many aspects of adoption and so many subjects I could choose. But the one that came back to me over and over was "Birthmoms". Birth families, really. For people who are not educated, or have not been exposed to adoption, there are major assumptions when it comes to birthmoms. She is a drug addict, she is homeless, she is a teenager, she is mentally ill, she is irresponsible and sleeps around, and has no compassion, much less love, for her baby. In some cases, these are true. But not in all. Not even close to all.

Along our adoption journey we were in contact with six woman who were considering adoption for their unborn child. Of those six, one was in drug rehab. The first one, M, had already placed her first child for adoption. She is my age and has a successul career as a manager at the company she works for. The reason she chose adoption was because she felt strongly about her child having two parents. We met with her and the birth father for dinner. This was our first time meeting with potential birth parents, and we didn't know what to expect. If you saw us half way through our meal you would have thought we just friends meeting up for dinner. They did have a long list of questions for us, and we answered all honestly. The meal ended with a hug (I am so not a hugger). They met with two other families. One they eliminated immediately. But we had to wait two LONG weeks while they chose between us and one other family. In the end they chose the other family.

The second expectant mother we met was only a year or two younger than myself. She had a drug problem earlier on, but had been out of treatment for several months. We met her and her boyfriend and fell in love with them. She also asked many questions- very indepth questions that made us think. It was very important to her that she chose a family who shared common opinions as herself. She did choose us. However, about a month before her baby was born, she and her boyfriend decided they couldn't go through with it. When she found out she was pregnant she kind of panicked and adoption seemed like the right thing to do. But when they were able to get over the shock of it, they had a harder and harder time accepting that they would not raise their child. I have stayed in touch with her and she and her son are doing great. She is going to school for graphic art design, and has a very successful career right now as a sushi chef.

The third expectant mother who we spoke with is also not much younger than myself. She already had four children and felt she could not afford to raise another. We only had contact via email and one phone call. Even though she said she would like us to adopt her baby, she said she was only 50% sure she would be able to go through with it. We said the risk was too high, especially because we had already had one failed placement. In the end she decided to parent. I am in touch with her on facebook now and she is doing well. She is going to school for nursing and working her butt off to make life good for her kids. She lives for her kids, and it is very apparent how much she loves them.

The fourth expectant mother who we spoke with, and who chose us, is the one who was in drug treatment. She chose us and then disappeared. She reappeared a couple months later, just a week before she was due. The reason we didn't hear from her is because she had relapsed and went into rehab. We met her at the hospital when she was in labor. We had our own room, and had the baby girl with us the first night. We still don't know exactly what happened, but the next day she decided she was going to parent. This was the hardest loss we experienced. We didn't even say goodbye to the baby. However, I am now friends with the baby's mom on facebook and she is doing great! She has been clean since before her daughter was born and is very happy with her new, healthy life.

The fifth expectant mother we were in contact with was a big mess. She was 21 (I think), and it was impossible to make a plan because she had no phone and limited internet access. I'm not going to go into details, because right about when she was due we were chosen by T. And this match was 'The One". (The messy situation is still messy for those involved)

T is two years younger than myself. She has two daughters. We flew down to meet her a couple months before Dominic was born. We met her, her sister, her youngest daughter, and our wonderful matchmaker, Michelle. I could go on and on about T, but the bottom line is she is an amazing person. Amazing has always been the word I have used to describe her and it fits. I have heard rude and/or naive comments and questions about her. First off, it is no ones business to know everything about her. But when I hear comments like, "He's living a much happier life than if he hadn't been adopted", or "He's being given a chance at life" I go crazy. If I can teach you one thing it is this: Birth mothers come from all walks of life. They choose adoption for many different reasons, and not every reason is because they are "screw-ups or would be bad parents". From the stories I've shared here, the most common thing is that when a woman decides to make an adoption plan, she is in a difficult place in life. It does not mean she is bad person and wouldn't love the child. Adoption is an act of love. Plain and simple.

What was supposed to be a closed adoption for us has remained open, and I couldn't be happier about that. T is also a facebook friend. She tags herself in photos of Dom so her friends can see them. She expresses that she does not regret her decision. She always tells us how happy she is for us. Since she chose us, she has always seen Dom as our son, not hers. But her family will always be our family as well. Her 4-year old daughter wants to teach Dom to ride horses. She rides them bareback, so I'm no so sure about that one. LOL. My favorite thing about T right now is that she has written and illustrated childrens books and the first one is being published in a few months! How cool is that?! I am very excited about it, and can't wait to go out and buy it!

Anyway, my blog is called Laura's Rambling Thoughts for a reason. If you have any questions about adoption, please feel free to ask.

ETA: Michelle (who matched us with T) is also a birth mom. She's been married for (how many years, Michelle?), and has three children at home. Her blog is her story. It is unique, heartfelt, and heartbreaking. I recommend reading the posts listed on the right-hand side of her blog, labeled "Posts of Some Signifigance".

Getting to Know YOU

Due to a major brain block, I am copying Julie's post in order to keep this blog rolling. ...Ha! Who am kidding, this blog is just barely truckin' along at a snail's pace. But here's a new post! Here's a few questions to get to know you better:

1) If you could add any room to your current residence, what would it be?

(To prove some originality I will not steal the rest of my questions.)

2) If you could have an afternoon with any (living) celebrity, who would it be, and what would you do?

3) Tenting in northern Minnesota, or 5-star resort on the gulf?

4) If you could decide your dreams before you fell asleep, what or who would you choose to dream about?

5) If there is one thing you would like to understand more about adoption, what would it be? Feel free to email this question or ask it on springform to protect your identity.

You know that one monkey at the zoo?

The one who just sits there on a tree branch and doesn't move? The one you try to yell at and tease to get to do something? Meet that monkey:

Oh, wait, is he gonna smile????

Wow, that took a lotta energy...

Back to where I was before you bothered me:

The poor boy was so tired yesterday. He's stuffed up and hasn't been napping well. Yet this mean mom dressed him in his monkey costume just to get a few pictures. As you can tell from his red eyes he would much rather be snoozing. I would have loved for him to be giggly, but there's always that ONE monkey at the zoo...

Sometimes my brain forgets

that I have a blog. My blog reading list is a mile long, so I spend much more time trying to catch up and never leave time to actually update my own.

Here's a rundown of my life (I hope this qualifies as a blog post):

*The big Similac recall. Oy. First I was livid that I had been feeding my baby bug-tainted formula (and, yes, it really was affecting him), then I was relieved to figure out why he had been fighting bottles for over a week. Then I went in a frenzy, trying to find a new formula for him. I know everyone who offered suggestions meant well, but we tried EVERYTHING. Well, not everything- we didn't do the ultra-expensive stuff. But five days of trying different formulas was not fun- and it clearly was messing with his little tummy. We've gone back to Similac- buying the concentrate and ready-to-eat, anything we can get our hands on- the shelves are pretty bare. And now our baby's tummy is nice and soft and he eats his bottles with no complaints. Now if only I can get Davin to quit calling him Beetle Juice...

*Root canals. Had one a few weeks ago- that hurt like a b^#&*! I was in pain for almost a week. Now the tooth next to it needs one- YAY. I was going to put it off until next year, but this past week it's been hurting almost as bad as the first one was. My teeth suck. And what's with dentist's asking questions while they are digging around in your mouth??? I mean, I can answer 'uh huh', or 'uh uh', but I cannot answer "What are you doing to manage the pain?", or "How does the adoption finalization happen?" I mean, really dude, I can't believe all ten of your fingers are in tact.

*ADOPTION FINALIZATION!!!! We have a court date! This Thursday we go to court to finalize Dominic's adoption. Really, I should be more fired up. (Although it appears that I am super thrilled with the capitalizing and exclamation points). Don't get me wrong, it will be nice for it all to be final- we'll get a new birth certificate with his last name (we don't have his original- it's in the courts), and we'll get him a ssn. But really, I feel like the adoption took place in Arizona. That's where Tia handed him to us. This court date is just a formality, in my eyes.

*Adoption scammers. I might have to dedicate a post to this one. It's all about girls/women saying they are pregnant and prey on hopeful adoptive families. It's insane, and if I start talking about it right now I won't be done with this post until next month, so I'll save it. I will say we were in contact with one of the 'well-known' scammers last winter. She 'chose' us, then disappeared when we started talking about flying out to Maryland to meet her.

*Weekends. October is crazy busy. Davin is going on my brother's trip this weekend- they are going biking somewhere on the north shore. Then Davin's going to the goob with Dom and Steve on the 15th. The weekend after that (MEA weekend) I'm flying to Wyoming with two other girls to go see Krista and fam! I am so fired up for a girl's trip! I'm nervous to be away from Dom for four days, but I know I'll enjoy myself!

*Screaming. Not crying, but straight-from-the-vocal-chords screaming. Dom learned how to do that doing this formula fiasco. I'm sure it started because he was in pain, but now he screams if you don't feed RIGHT NOW, or if you try burp him (that is really annoying), or if, heaven forbid!, you walk into the other room when he wants your attention. Crying I can handle, but this screaming....oh, I'm so happy I have a vacation planned!

*School. I'm thinking about starting classes in January. I want to get into social work and find a spot in the adoption world or the mental health field. I'll let you know when I know more.

I think that's all. Davin's busy at work, which isn't allowing me to go back to work, but I'm okay with that. As long as they can find people to take the shifts I was going to do, I'm totally okay with it. I don't love being a stay-at-home mom full time, but Davin works from home a couple days a week, so I can sneak out for short periods when Dom is sleeping. That works for me.

Wow, that was probably an incredibly boring post. You must really love me if you read it all the way through. ;)

Oh, and here's my babe:

My story on another blog...

There are many, many people who adopt. Each of these people adopt for different reasons, adopt in different ways, and every single adoption is different. Some people choose to keep their story private, which I completely respect. However, those of you who know me or have followed my blog, know my life is an open book. Davin and I had many discussions about how much of our adoption we would share. There are parts that not even my family know. There are parts I choose to share with just a few. But for the most part, I am willing to share it all. Why? Because it's who I am. It's who my family is now. Dominic became part of our family in a very special way, and I like to share our journey and how we got to bring him home. It's a LONG story, so it is in pieces, but the first post is up on our adoption blog. If you want, you are free to follow along:
Our Adoption Story: Part I

July 2010

Tomorrow is August (...right? My mommy brain is on) and there is a lot to be said to sum up July.

*I had a whole long post written, but it was about as fun to read as the obituary section of the newspaper. I'll try sum up instead of giving you a detailed novel...

July was....tough. But still good. I'm still adjusting to mommyhood. I think I'm liking more each day. Or at least I love Dom more each day. He's full of tricks- rolling from his stomach to his back, talking like crazy, smiling, following us when we are talking and walking around him. He's a smart boy. And I LOVE him to death. This week marked the 6-week mark. I hear it's all a piece of cake from here. Ha.

We just got back from spending a week in the U.P. Dom has met a ton of family and friends in his short life so far. I am not the only one who loves him. Watching and listening to Davin's mom sing to him was enough to make my heart sing (since I can't carry a tune, I count on my heart). I loved watching Davin's dad with him- holding him like an airplane (which completely calms him down), rocking him, talking to him. I loved watching my nieces and nephews in Michigan meet him. Like I said- he is very loved.

We almost came home from the goob early (long story), but I'm glad we could stay until today. Camping with my family is i.n.s.a.n.e. I was pretty glad we had a warm bed to go back to after the day. But as much as my family is crazy, I love spending time with them. I truly feel blessed to have each and every one of my nieces and nephews in my life. We were only together for a short time, but I don't think there was a wasted moment. Between The Lake days, playing sand volleyball, wiffle ball, tossing a football (yeah, I have a mean spiral), eating, and eating some more, it went by fast. We did get out to Sedar Bay for some sauna and swimming- the water was AWESOME.

Oops, turning into another novel here. In summary... (bring back high school comp classes?), July has been a busy month, with a lot of running around. It's been fun, but now that Dom is six weeks old we're going to try settle into life here. No more road trips for a while. Time to find a routine and lower stress levels so I can enjoy my little dude, who is growing VERY fast before our eyes. Here's to a relaxing August!

Dom's first time in Lake Superior! :)