Or roses, if you prefer.
I have had this post brewing in my head since Dominic was born. I could never put it into words because my thoughts and feelings were steadily changing- it was a circus in my head- jumping, spinning, tossing of emotions. I *almost* wrote this post when I was most overwhelmed, but I didn't want to come off sounding ungrateful for this gift I have been given.
Oh, I'm talking about motherhood, by the way.
When you're waiting for your child, you hear wonderful stories from other moms- how a child changes your world for the better; life becomes so fulfilling; children make everything in life feel wonderful. What they decline to tell you is how exhausting it is to be a mother of a newborn. Yes, they tell you it's tiring, but never did I get the details of this exhaustion- just that I would lack sleep. Which, I should add, never fazed me because I am an insomniac. In fact, I thought being an insomniac would be an advantage as a new mom. I mean, heck, I'm up anyway- how hard can it be to feed and change a baby when I'm already up? Impossible, actually. Turns out I cannot sleep without my medication, and I cannot wake up with it. ...that's a whole other post...
And, truly, how do you entertain a newborn all.day.long? He's awake more and more each day, and more and more curious to see the world around him. But if he's in one spot too long- say more than five minutes, he gets bored and cries. It's musical baby gear- swing to the mobile, to the bouncer, to the other mobile....mostly, he wants to be held. A luxury he got from his daddy for the first three weeks of his life. And now that Daddy is back at work during the day, this mommy has to either pick up the slack or deal with a fussy babe.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby. I LOVE to hold him. Life IS better because of him. I DO feel more fulfilled. But I'm so damned tired. My heart hurts when he is upset and I can't seem to figure out what to do to make him content. My heart aches when he's awake and I can't keep my eyes open for him. My heart breaks when his daddy comes home and I have to hand him over and go lock myself in the bedroom for a good cry.
Everyone says- six weeks. At six weeks it gets easier. We're almost to four, and I *think* it's getting better. I don't want to wish away this stage, because he is so perfect to hold against my chest- he pulls up his legs and buries his face into my chest- straight into my chest so that he has to work harder to breath. It's loud, ridiculous- I mean, dude, just turn your head slightly- but it always makes me happy. He's so cozy to hold. So huggable, so kissable. And he gave his first smile to Grandma Ko----- on July 3rd, and has since given many of grins and coos to Davin and I. When I hold him against my chest he picks up his head to look at me. He's perfect. He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to us.
Yet I'm overwhelmed. I know this is normal. I'm just putting it out there for new mommys-to-be: it's pretty dang awesome, but it's not all daisies. Not by a long shot.
18 comments:
Totally understand, Laura! I told you before that the newborn stage was far from my favorite and that I'd be up in the middle of the night with her sobbing while she nursed or cried. I hated the exhaustion, constant diaper changes, etc., with our first. She got a lot more attention than our subsequent kiddos, and expected a lot more attention as a result. Pesky oldest children. :) Hang in there! It WILL get easier. Take it one day at a time and know it will pass. Nothing wrong with passing him off to Daddy at the end of the day and getting that frustration out.
Awesome post Laura. I can't believe you used your "free" time to write for us. I was reading thinking , 6weeks. That's what they all said. You are doing a great job and the fact that you are sharing this tells how great. I'm sure those smiles make a lot of the other stuff leave your mind for a little while. Love your comment about "dude". You are just too funny. Miss you bunches. Love ya!
Did some of us forget to tell you about that? Must've blocked it out. ;) You're right, it's not all daisies. That's why aunties love holding little babies and then giving them right back to their mom's when they start crying.
The newborn stage is so precious but it *is* overwhelming and takes loads of effort. Effort that new mama's don't always have, due to sheer exhaustion and a rollercoaster of normal emotions. You're doing wonderful-- it was so sweet to see him snuggling with you all cozy and you looking at him so adoringly last week.
I did the crying in our room too. And sometimes at the kitchen table. Or laying on the carpet in the living room. Don't feel guilty if you need a break. Go shopping. Grab a taco with me at Taco Gringo. :D Time away can renew your spirits. Love you!
laura, sometimes it takes me 45 minutes of judah grunting and fussing for me to wake up enough to realize, oh, i gotta take care of the baby.
i usually end up taking at least 2 unplanned naps during the day. sitting up on the couch. quite often with judes in my lap.
you'll find the rhythym.
plus, I can't believe he's smiling! That is so darling of him. Sweet little Dom.
Pssst: One year. Then it gets easier. Hate to break it to you, but that's how I feel. Each stage gets easier and easier, but at one year you feel a little less depended upon for everything. And I'm so glad that you are so honest about all of this.
It goes: 6 weeks, 3 mos, 4 mos (rolling), 6 mos (sitting alone), 9 mos, one year. Easier with each one. USUALLY. Crawling and pulling themselves up happen between 6-12 mos. So, hence, the 9 mos stage.
To "their" defense, I don't think you could tell a mom-to-be about the struggles. Their desire to have a baby usually trumps the hard stuff.
Doesn't it make you look at your mom in a whole different way?
Everyone here has said things that are very true, but I think that there is at least one more thing to remember. It IS ok to let him learn how to sooth himself. He will need to many times throughout his life. You are not a bad mom if you can't get to him right away. He will be fine, and he will learn from it, really. I think we all learn that the hard way with our first.
Hang in there. You have so many people who love you and your babe. Call any of us and we will be there.
No, it's not all daisies. If you're feeling overwhelmed it means you're a mom who loves her little babe and wants to do what is best for him! :) Considering I only have one little dude that isn't yet a year, I really don't have any words of wisdom for you. Hang in there and enjoy snuggling little Dom!
Laura, if anyone is like me you were never told some things because it causes flashbacks! You have exhausting to deal with along with the adjustment of not being able to grab your keys and go. That was the hardest for me. Hang in there it WIll get easier. Hopefully he will not like Anna and sleeps, something she still does not like to do.
Liz
The newborn stage is the favorite...when it is someone else's baby you are holding! Otherwise, it IS incredibly exhausting! I think you are doing a good job, tho, when you are able to feel the joy in the little moments.
Sounds like you are doing a GREAT job!! There is nothing wrong with having a good cry-motherhood is exhausting!! Take a 15-30 min. breather when Dad comes home-you deserve it!! And its good for Dad too to have that time with babe.. Don't feel bad letting 'dude' cry it out-its good for him!! Plus-it is good for his lungs!! Hang in there!! You will be wishing for these moments back (someday) :)..They grow so gosh darn fast!! You truly have been blessed!! ~ Vicky M.
Ditto to what everyone else said - a person forgets about the overwhelming newborn stage until they are fully immersed in it again. You'll make it through and so will he. Cheers to you, momma!!
Laura, You are a wonderful mommy to sweet little Dominic!! Everything you are feeling and experiencing is so normal and I validate every bit of it. :) I remember feeling that same overwhelming exhaustion after Olivia was born. We thought everyone lied to us telling us "it's going to be so fun to have a baby! You just wait!" Well, it wasn't (all) fun. And so that's what we told new expectant parents... Helpful? I dunno! Honest? Yes!
Hang in there! Let me know if I can help, babysit, etc! You can sleep, run out for a bit, etc! Really!! I'd love it! :)
I love your open, honest post. I think God has used and is using you to help many. :)
cyndi
I'm not sure when it got easy with Kendall. I know the first few/many/lots of weeks were rough. She would scream before going to bed and I would just dread it. Absolutely, positively dread it. Paul would go to bed because he had to work and I would walk around with a screaming baby. It was hard.
But somewhere along the way, she learned to do things on her own and be content. At 15 months, I still have to occasionally remind her that she CAN play on her own without mommy.
Best of luck with the little guy! It's a great feeling when they get on a schedule and you know what they're crying for. Until then, remember that Davin's there to help you! And from the sounds of it, he's more than happy to help out, so let him!
Laura, I love how honest you are in this post. The newborn stage is very challenging to say the least! Hang in there because it does get easier. Not to say you won't have more challenges as they get older, they're just different challenges. My youngest is almost 8 months now and life is feeling a bit more predictable.
Laura, I love this post, being just a couple months ahead of you, I can absolutely relate to these feelings. It's hard to hear your child cry and not know what is causing it. For me the stages so far have been 4 weeks, 8 weeks (when I finally felt like I could comfortably pack up Walker and go out during the day without Daddy there also) and now somewhere between 10 and 11 weeks he's started sleeping 6+ hours at a time...
You don't know what you don't know. One of my sister's said this to me and it is so true when it comes to being a parent, isn't it?
I have a dear friend. When I've asked how marriage or new babies are going, she's told me - including the not-so-fun parts. It made me love her even more, because I knew that if I asked her a question about a big life event, I'd get to hear the real of it. And the real includes the good and the bad.
In short, I love your post. :)
The first baby is a hard adjustment. You go from you and your hubby, working, doing your thing and then you're thrown into a entirely different world where not much is the same.
I have enjoyed each baby more than the last and now, I absolutely love the newborn stage- although I've never really had a cryer so I don't know what that's like.
I think that I've learned over the years that baby's cry, the house gets messy, I can't meet everyone's needs at the same time, I get cranky and all of that is ok. Life is messy and busy :)
Parenting is tough, adoptive parenting even tougher.Life changes.
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