It is my new identity. The first time I had to say it out loud it sounded strange. The words came out of my mouth, but I felt like I was living in some alternative world where my mind and body were not connected and the words I spoke had no meaning. After I said it enough times it started to sink in. That was a scary place. Yes, I am addict. How the hell did I get here, and why am I readily admitting over and over that I am this person who I have come to loathe? I battled through those days, the ones I felt the meaning behind the words. My heart felt heavy, yet empty. I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back at me. I had hit rock bottom and I was doing everything 'they' told me to do to get my life back. But time, it moved so slow. Each moment of each day I felt pain. I hadn't felt pain in a long time, and it's sensation now stings every nerve of my being. The pain is so real, so sharp. They tell me it will get better, but I wasn't sure.
It's been 134 days since I first decided quit opiates. My life has been all over the place since June 17th. The first days, I didn't think I'd make it. I became extremely afraid of the unknown. There's an entire story that covers the past 134 days, and the months and years prior to that. But I am here today. I am a new person today. I have strength today. And just for today, I will admit and accept that I have a disease called addiction.
I'm Laura and I'm an addict. And I'm okay with that.
Peace.
ETA: I should clarify- I am not 134 clean. I hit a few bumps with other meds, and today I am 9 days clean. Still workin' on my 30 days...
