It is my new identity. The first time I had to say it out loud it sounded strange. The words came out of my mouth, but I felt like I was living in some alternative world where my mind and body were not connected and the words I spoke had no meaning. After I said it enough times it started to sink in. That was a scary place. Yes, I am addict. How the hell did I get here, and why am I readily admitting over and over that I am this person who I have come to loathe? I battled through those days, the ones I felt the meaning behind the words. My heart felt heavy, yet empty. I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back at me. I had hit rock bottom and I was doing everything 'they' told me to do to get my life back. But time, it moved so slow. Each moment of each day I felt pain. I hadn't felt pain in a long time, and it's sensation now stings every nerve of my being. The pain is so real, so sharp. They tell me it will get better, but I wasn't sure.
It's been 134 days since I first decided quit opiates. My life has been all over the place since June 17th. The first days, I didn't think I'd make it. I became extremely afraid of the unknown. There's an entire story that covers the past 134 days, and the months and years prior to that. But I am here today. I am a new person today. I have strength today. And just for today, I will admit and accept that I have a disease called addiction.
I'm Laura and I'm an addict. And I'm okay with that.
Peace.
ETA: I should clarify- I am not 134 clean. I hit a few bumps with other meds, and today I am 9 days clean. Still workin' on my 30 days...
11 comments:
Congrats on your 134 days of opiate sobriety -- thoughts for strength and continued sobriety as you battle addiction daily! :) Heidi
I worked at a drug and alcohol rehab center a long time ago, and found it to be such an interesting place. Everyone there echoed your "how did I get here?" statement. And while it matters how you got there to prevent you from going back, the important thing is that you made the biggest/hardest step 134 days ago when you faced it head on. You can do this...you are brave enough, and you are strong enough. I will be cheering you on from Michigan. ((hugs))
Welcome back to blogging, first of all.
You are unbelievably brave, my friend. And you have an incredible circle of support. It won't be easy, but I have no doubt that you *can* get through this. One day at a time. One step at a time. *This* step? This one where you share it with us? It's a biggie.
Way to go, Laura! Congratulations on coming this far.
<3
I don't have any great words of wisdom, but always remember that you remain in my thoughts and prayers.
Sara
You can recognize it and say it out loud....That has to be a huge step. You can do it! We'll all say prayers for you! Keep going strong for your boys! Saying it out loud will help you be surrounded with support. You have a lot of awesome family around you!
~ the other Laura Kangas :)
I have no words. Of course, this isn't new news to me. I love you. I have faith in you. And never will give up on you. Prayers for strength... Sis Amy :)
Amazing share, Laura.
And, everything Mindi said.
Sending love and prayers.
Love you, Laursey.
Laura, thank u for sharing... Your sharing does help someone else going through the same struggles whether you realize it or not.. You are blogging for release, while helping someone else in the process who may have just stumbled across your page at the RIGHT moment. I wish u well
Higher Powered in "relapse" here after 10 months. You are not alone! Thank you for your honesty and courage. I have to remember, it's a journey not a destination!!! Welcome back. I will be joining you soon enough on the road to recovery again!
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