Let Go and Let God

I am still in pain. I sometimes wonder if this particular pain will ever leave me. Will I ever feel peace in my mind where these ugly memories lie? It's a scary place to be. Here, in this part of my mind, I feel sadness. Anger- A LOT of anger. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety. I want to bash my head against a concrete wall. Did I say anger? But what I am learning is that I NEED to let these feelings go if I want to move on in my recovery and remain healthy. It's a daily struggle to fight these feelings. I don't know how to rid my mind of them. People keep telling me that is just takes time. I'm practicing patience. I need to remind myself over and over that God is taking care of me, and he will take care of these feelings, when the time is right.

For now I try to stay out of that part of my brain as much as possible. Sometimes that means cranking Shade45 on my radio and drowning out any and all thoughts that may be lingering there. Unfortunately that means my sailor mouth is growing at a ridiculous speed. Have you ever listened to the lyrics in rap music? Bad, bad stuff! But I love. Yeah, I'm effed up.

On a happy note, I got my 60 days clean this past week! At first I wasn't sure I wanted to get it because even though I didn't use, I was stuck in addictive thinking and behavior. I kind of felt like a fraud. The second day I got it I felt a little better. Day three I told myself I deserved. By Day Seven (today) I believed I deserved it. Sixty 24-hrs in a row. That's pretty dang awesome. So, today, I will try my best to let go and let God show me how to live my life. One 24-hours at a time.

Peace.