Feelings...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. No surprise there. But there was a reason this time. I started blogging about my addiction and then got scared. I put it out there and then had moments of regret. See, addiction has such a huge stigma attached to it. Much more than mental illness, which is strange, because they really are one in the same. But when someone mentions a drug addict, I am willing to bet that the majority of people stereotype: a drug addict is someone who has no self-control, abuses public assistance, are not worthy of help, are low-lifes, etc. Yes, of course there are addicts who collect government funding and probably don't deserve it. Yes, some are what you may call "low-lifes". But step back and think about how this person got to be where they are. Some people know no life outside of drugs- their parents used, they used. That doesn't excuse them from being responsible as an adult, but it is often much easier said than done.

When I went through treatment I was told over and over that relapse is part of recovery. It pissed me off. I felt like they were setting me up to fail. But over time I came to see this is true. If someone enters recovery and never relapses, that is absolutely amazing. But it doesn't happen often. When you're addicted to something, your body feels that it NEEDS it. When you use, you don't know how to function without using. For example, I lost a loved one recently. It's been over two weeks and I have yet to grieve. Not because I don't care, but because I am terrified to feel the pain. I spent so much time numbing my emotions that I have forgotten how to FEEL. I don't want to cry. I don't want to miss her. I just want to forget about it. If I was in active addiction, I would use to avoid these feelings.

So what am I doing if I'm not using, but I'm still not feeling? I'm stuck. The emotions are there, waiting to be released, but the best I can do is bring them out in other avenues. For me, that means anger. I have had the so many misplaced feelings in the past couple weeks it's ridiculous. I have gotten angry about things that I would normally never feel upset about. I snap at someone for looking at me the wrong way. I went to a boxing class a couple days ago thinking that would help, but oddly, it made it worse. I felt that getting that aggression out would ease my mind because usually it does for me, but this time was different. It was awesome to get the workout, but I feel like my emotions are stirred up more than before. I need to deal with them. SOON. Otherwise, I'm gonna go crazy and let all my anger out on someone who does not deserve it. I have to trust that God will guide me through my emotions and that I will be okay, no matter what, as long as I don't use.

Just For Today: I will let go and let my Higher Power guide my life...