It's National Adoption Month. Obviously adoption is very near and dear to my heart, so I have been brainstorming all month about
what exactly I want to talk about when it comes to adoption. There so many aspects of adoption and so many subjects I could choose. But the one that came back to me over and over was "Birthmoms". Birth families, really. For people who are not educated, or have not been exposed to adoption, there are major assumptions when it comes to birthmoms. She is a drug addict, she is homeless, she is a teenager, she is mentally ill, she is irresponsible and sleeps around, and has no compassion, much less love, for her baby. In some cases, these are true. But not in all.
Not even close to all.
Along our adoption journey we were in contact with six woman who were considering adoption for their unborn child. Of those six, one was in drug rehab. The first one, M, had already placed her first child for adoption. She is my age and has a successul career as a manager at the company she works for. The reason she chose adoption was because she felt strongly about her child having two parents. We met with her and the birth father for dinner. This was our first time meeting with potential birth parents, and we didn't know what to expect. If you saw us half way through our meal you would have thought we just friends meeting up for dinner. They did have a long list of questions for us, and we answered all honestly. The meal ended with a hug (I am so not a hugger). They met with two other families. One they eliminated immediately. But we had to wait two LONG weeks while they chose between us and one other family. In the end they chose the other family.
The second expectant mother we met was only a year or two younger than myself. She had a drug problem earlier on, but had been out of treatment for several months. We met her and her boyfriend and fell in love with them. She also asked many questions- very indepth questions that made us think. It was very important to her that she chose a family who shared common opinions as herself. She did choose us. However, about a month before her baby was born, she and her boyfriend decided they couldn't go through with it. When she found out she was pregnant she kind of panicked and adoption seemed like the right thing to do. But when they were able to get over the shock of it, they had a harder and harder time accepting that they would not raise their child. I have stayed in touch with her and she and her son are doing great. She is going to school for graphic art design, and has a very successful career right now as a sushi chef.
The third expectant mother who we spoke with is also not much younger than myself. She already had four children and felt she could not afford to raise another. We only had contact via email and one phone call. Even though she said she would like us to adopt her baby, she said she was only 50% sure she would be able to go through with it. We said the risk was too high, especially because we had already had one failed placement. In the end she decided to parent. I am in touch with her on facebook now and she is doing well. She is going to school for nursing and working her butt off to make life good for her kids. She lives for her kids, and it is very apparent how much she loves them.
The fourth expectant mother who we spoke with, and who chose us, is the one who was in drug treatment. She chose us and then disappeared. She reappeared a couple months later, just a week before she was due. The reason we didn't hear from her is because she had relapsed and went into rehab. We met her at the hospital when she was in labor. We had our own room, and had the baby girl with us the first night. We still don't know exactly what happened, but the next day she decided she was going to parent. This was the hardest loss we experienced. We didn't even say goodbye to the baby. However, I am now friends with the baby's mom on facebook and she is doing great! She has been clean since before her daughter was born and is very happy with her new, healthy life.
The fifth expectant mother we were in contact with was a big mess. She was 21 (I think), and it was impossible to make a plan because she had no phone and limited internet access. I'm not going to go into details, because right about when she was due we were chosen by T. And this match was 'The One". (The messy situation is still messy for those involved)
T is two years younger than myself. She has two daughters. We flew down to meet her a couple months before Dominic was born. We met her, her sister, her youngest daughter, and our wonderful matchmaker,
Michelle. I could go on and on about T, but the bottom line is she is an amazing person. Amazing has always been the word I have used to describe her and it fits. I have heard rude and/or naive comments and questions about her. First off, it is no ones business to know everything about her. But when I hear comments like, "He's living a much happier life than if he hadn't been adopted", or "He's being given a chance at life" I go crazy.
If I can teach you one thing it is this: Birth mothers come from all walks of life. They choose adoption for many different reasons, and not every reason is because they are "screw-ups or would be bad parents". From the stories I've shared here, the most common thing is that when a woman decides to make an adoption plan, she
is in a difficult place in life. It does not mean she is bad person and wouldn't love the child. Adoption is an act of love. Plain and simple.
What was supposed to be a closed adoption for us has remained open, and I couldn't be happier about that. T is also a facebook friend. She tags herself in photos of Dom so her friends can see them. She expresses that she does not regret her decision. She always tells us how happy she is for us. Since she chose us, she has always seen Dom as our son, not hers. But her family will always be our family as well. Her 4-year old daughter wants to teach Dom to ride horses. She rides them bareback, so I'm no so sure about that one. LOL. My favorite thing about T right now is that she has written and illustrated childrens books and the first one is being published in a few months! How cool is that?! I am very excited about it, and can't wait to go out and buy it!
Anyway, my blog is called Laura's
Rambling Thoughts for a reason. If you have any questions about adoption, please feel free to ask.
ETA: Michelle (who matched us with T) is also a birth mom. She's been married for (how many years, Michelle?), and has three children at home.
Her blog is her story. It is unique, heartfelt, and heartbreaking. I recommend reading the posts listed on the right-hand side of her blog, labeled "Posts of Some Signifigance".
Back to where I was before you bothered me: