What *you* can know about my son's adoption

Apparently, people are curious about adoption. It's not just our adoption- everyone I know who has adopted faces the same curiosities. The problem I have is the line there is between innocent inquiries and nosy and rude questions. There is definitely a line, and it is not always clear. The line lays at different places depending on who I am talking to. It is more faint to those I am closest to. It is closer to me, exposing more details. The less I know someone, the clearer the line gets and the further away from me it is. Adoption is new to a lot of people in my life, and I've been trying to figure out how much you can know:

Dominic is our son. We were chosen by his birth mother, T, a couple months before he was born. We met her and her family and fell in love. The birth father is not in the picture. Dominic has two biological sisters, one who we have spent time with. We are facebook friends with T. We send each other photos of our children via internet and text messaging. It is an open adoption. However, his birth mom does not see herself as Dominic's mother. He is our son, and that's the way she wants it.

That's it. That's all you need to know. To some of people there are chunks of information missing in our story. Big gaping holes, big bits of information. But I am hear to tell you, what you read is our story. It's what you get. What you don't get is 'why' Dominic's birth mother chose to place him into our arms. It is none of your business, and please listen to me when I say this: Do NOT ask anyone this question. Perhaps not all adoptive mothers feel this way, but it puts ME in an awkward position. In the past eight-plus months I have fumbled through this question, trying to find the proper answer. I was unprepared, and often ended up sharing more than I wanted, which I would later regret. My answer now is, and will always be: It is a personal decision she made, and we love her for it. We love her and her children like family.

Along the same line, do not make comments like, "Oh, he has been given a chance in life", or "He is much better off with you than his birth mom", or "Are you afraid she will come take him from you if you keep an open adoption?". The love that we adoptive parents feel for our children's birth mothers is incredible, and when you say things like this we take it personally. I am very defensive of T, and always will be. She is a wonderful human being, she is a wonderful mother, and if you feel the need to insult her, don't do it to my face. I will defend her tooth and nail, but let's just not go there, okay? (And a FYI to those who choose to judge freely, her tattoos don't make her a bad person. I mean, it's just ridiculous to make assumptions based on ink. Period.)

As for other details, they are part of Dominic's story, for him to tell. He will always know he is adopted, although we don't want it to be his identity. Much like you wouldn't expect an alcoholic to meet you by saying, "Hi, I'm Bob, and I'm an alcoholic", we don't want Dom's life to be, "Hi, I'm Dominic, and I'm adopted". If that makes sense...

As a disclaimer, I want to say I am speaking for myself. I have talked about this with several adoptive parents who feel the same way. But I don't speak for every adoptive mother. I know there are situations where children who were left abandoned, or the birth mother truly could not, in any way, care for her child(ren). I have heard of poor relationships between adoptive families and birth families. Adoption is a personal issue, and it is up to each family to place that line, to decide what they are willing to share. Don't cross the line. Think about what you are asking. Does is really make a difference in your life? Most of the time, probably not. So don't ask it.

All that being said, I am more than willing to answer general questions about adoption. Or about our story before Dominic came into the picture. Leading up to being matched with a birth family can be a crazy roller coaster, and there is a lot involved- the home study, the networking, the scams. That stuff I'm willing to share, because so many people in my life know so little about adoption, and I would love to educate them. But when it comes to Dominic and his birth family, just don't go there.

Thank you, sincerely. :)