Feelings...

It's been awhile since I've blogged. No surprise there. But there was a reason this time. I started blogging about my addiction and then got scared. I put it out there and then had moments of regret. See, addiction has such a huge stigma attached to it. Much more than mental illness, which is strange, because they really are one in the same. But when someone mentions a drug addict, I am willing to bet that the majority of people stereotype: a drug addict is someone who has no self-control, abuses public assistance, are not worthy of help, are low-lifes, etc. Yes, of course there are addicts who collect government funding and probably don't deserve it. Yes, some are what you may call "low-lifes". But step back and think about how this person got to be where they are. Some people know no life outside of drugs- their parents used, they used. That doesn't excuse them from being responsible as an adult, but it is often much easier said than done.

When I went through treatment I was told over and over that relapse is part of recovery. It pissed me off. I felt like they were setting me up to fail. But over time I came to see this is true. If someone enters recovery and never relapses, that is absolutely amazing. But it doesn't happen often. When you're addicted to something, your body feels that it NEEDS it. When you use, you don't know how to function without using. For example, I lost a loved one recently. It's been over two weeks and I have yet to grieve. Not because I don't care, but because I am terrified to feel the pain. I spent so much time numbing my emotions that I have forgotten how to FEEL. I don't want to cry. I don't want to miss her. I just want to forget about it. If I was in active addiction, I would use to avoid these feelings.

So what am I doing if I'm not using, but I'm still not feeling? I'm stuck. The emotions are there, waiting to be released, but the best I can do is bring them out in other avenues. For me, that means anger. I have had the so many misplaced feelings in the past couple weeks it's ridiculous. I have gotten angry about things that I would normally never feel upset about. I snap at someone for looking at me the wrong way. I went to a boxing class a couple days ago thinking that would help, but oddly, it made it worse. I felt that getting that aggression out would ease my mind because usually it does for me, but this time was different. It was awesome to get the workout, but I feel like my emotions are stirred up more than before. I need to deal with them. SOON. Otherwise, I'm gonna go crazy and let all my anger out on someone who does not deserve it. I have to trust that God will guide me through my emotions and that I will be okay, no matter what, as long as I don't use.

Just For Today: I will let go and let my Higher Power guide my life...

Consequences

Just for Today: I will think about the consequences of my actions before I take them. 

This was part of today's daily meditation from "Just For Today", the book. I wasn't sure that I should blog about my addiction. I wasn't sure how loved ones would react. Or how some people may cast judgement. I wondered if it would hurt anyone. I'm still not completely sure, so I am taking it slow. If you've read my blog before, you know my life is an open book. I may not share it all here, but if you want to talk you can always email me. When I shared my story of depression I wasn't sure it was the right thing, but it turned out that it helped others. So maybe by sharing my latest eff-up I'll help someone else. I can only pray.

Until then, I'll leave you with this ray of sunshine that gets me through each day. Both of them, actually. Davin, my rock, and Dominic, my wings.

Peace.

Hi, I'm Laura and I'm an addict...

It is my new identity. The first time I had to say it out loud it sounded strange. The words came out of my mouth, but I felt like I was living in some alternative world where my mind and body were not connected and the words I spoke had no meaning. After I said it enough times it started to sink in. That was a scary place. Yes, I am addict. How the hell did I get here, and why am I readily admitting over and over that I am this person who I have come to loathe? I battled through those days, the ones I felt the meaning behind the words. My heart felt heavy, yet empty. I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back at me. I had hit rock bottom and I was doing everything 'they' told me to do to get my life back. But time, it moved so slow. Each moment of each day I felt pain. I hadn't felt pain in a long time, and it's sensation now stings every nerve of my being. The pain is so real, so sharp. They tell me it will get better, but I wasn't sure.

It's been 134 days since I first decided quit opiates. My life has been all over the place since June 17th. The first days, I didn't think I'd make it. I became extremely afraid of the unknown. There's an entire story that covers the past 134 days, and the months and years prior to that. But I am here today. I am a new person today. I have strength today. And just for today, I will admit and accept that I have a disease called addiction. 

I'm Laura and I'm an addict. And I'm okay with that.

Peace.

ETA: I should clarify- I am not 134 clean. I hit a few bumps with other meds, and today I am 9 days clean. Still workin' on my 30 days...

Question for fellow bloggers

Not that I can really call myself a blogger at this point. How often does one have to blog to be considered a legit blogger?

Anyhoo, I am wondering what blog site you use, and why. I have Blogspot down pretty well, but I'm wondering if there is a better one for the next blog I'm starting. I want one that does not have advertisements, for sure, and one that is pretty user friendly. I would love your opinion. Thanks a gazillion! :)

Twenty-nine

I wish I was a good story-teller, because the story of my 29th birthday is a pretty good one, and I know I can't do it justice, but here it is anyway.

Davin takes the day off work, and my parents (and Mary) take Dominic so we can go on a date. We start by going to Jared to look at rings. I lost my diamond ring over five years ago. I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. We got a band to replace it, and we started slowly saving up for a new one. (No, we were not smart enough to have the first one on our home owner's insurance). Yesterday we were going to LOOK at rings. I never expected to get one. But we find the perfect band, and the perfect diamond, and, Wa-lah! I have a new ring. :)

Then we go shopping. I buy clothes that are not one, but TWO sizes smaller than I've been wearing. Honestly, as a day highlight, it was a toss up between this and the ring.

Oh, and lunch at Benihana. Yum.

We go to pick Dom up and are at my parents when The Storm starts. That was some crazy sh**. I start to feel anxious, and it gets worse when the power goes out. As soon as the sky lightens we head out. We start driving--- right into the storm. We stop at Lantto's because branches keep flying in front of us. When it seems to lighten up, we start driving again. We zig-zag through fallen trees and branches the rest of the way home.

We get home. I push the garage door opener. Nothing. The power is out. I go reach for my keys. Oops, no house keys- I left them inside because I didn't think I needed them. Davin's keys are locked in his car at the shop. Dominic is screeching in the back seat- it is past his bedtime and he is feeling like he has a fever.

Plan of action: bust into our house. For the second time. (The first time was when we were moving in- we found an open window and just had to knock the screen out). I have no idea what my part is, but I am holding a leatherman that is jammed in the door frame. Davin kicks in the door. I fly backward onto my a**, my shoulder hitting something and my arm scraping along something sharp on the way down. If I knew what our plan was, I would have picked the part of kicking a door in! But, whatever. We're in. We're soaked and sweaty and it's dark in the house, but we're home.

Dominic goes to sleep with out even one cry of protest. Poor boy is SO tired. I grab ice for my shoulder and we lay on the living room floor wondering if we should laugh, cry, or scream. I think we both just dozed off.

The power comes back on. I end my birthday by blowing out every candle we lit when the power was out. I may not have a had a cake, but I got to blow out a lot of candles!

The end.

Edited to Add: That was a really crappy telling of my birthday. But I'm still tired, so deal. :)