I've said it before and I'll say it again

Birth mother's are incredible. The pain they go through is beyond imaginable. The feelings of literally giving up your baby, and then the doubt and the worry after the baby is gone. The grief...I cannot imagine. I sometimes watch Adoption Stories on Discovery Health. I like to see how every situation is different. But every time I watch a birth mother spend her last minutes with her baby and then handing her away...I just lose it. The pain is so real. Every night I pray- I wish for you to also- for birth mothers. That God gives them the strength to make the decision that is right for them. That once they make that decision, they continue to have strength to get through what they decide. I wish abortion never happened, but I pray for those mother's also. I cannot imagine what they must be feeling to terminate a pregnancy- the fear, the pain, the sadness. To all birth mother's who chose not to raise their babies because they believe and/or know that the baby deserves a better life: Thank you, and may God always give you strength and peace in your decision.

P.S. Please do NOT make this a political post. I will delete any comment made negatively about abortion.

Thank you, Charlie

So, as some of you may know, yesterday I sent out almost 300 emails to principals and school administrators around the state. I started at about 9 a.m. and finished around 9 p.m. Other than some yoga, a shower, and eating a couple meals, that's all I did yesterday. My eyes were burning by the time I shut down my computer. And I knew it was a 'risk' sending to principals because they probably get many emails, but I figured they were the ones who could forward it on to their staff. Anyway, I went to bed exhausted and feeling a little defeated because I wasn't sure sending the emails was going to lead anywhere.

Then my phone rang about half an hour ago. It was a 218 number, so it made me go, "huh". I answered and the caller said, "Hi, Laura. This is Charlie from Greenway High School. I just got your email and felt compelled to give you call". !!! He said he definitely noticed the email because it was sent directly to him and not a secretary (and also because it was from a Kan***- there are A LOT in the Iron Range). :) We chatted for about five minutes, and he said he is sending on the email along with a note that he had personally spoke to me and would encourage anyone to be in touch with us if they hear of an adoption situation.

Oh, yeah, it was worth those 12 hours and 300 emails. Thank you, Charlie from Greenway High School. :)

Help Wanted

Let's say you walk into a sandwich shop. In the lobby is a bulletin board. Do you look at the contents posted on the board? What do you notice? There is a half-page flyer that says "DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE CONSIDERING ADOPTION?" in bold on the top. Do you read on? There are two large photos of a smiling couple. The text is pretty brief:

"Hi! We (Davin and Laura) have been married for nine years. We are happy and thankful for the life we share, but feel a void having not been blessed with children. We are hopeful that adoption may provide us the chance to start a family. We are working with Adoption Minnesota, a licensed adoption agency in Minneapolis. (www.adoption-minnesota.com)
Please learn much more about us online at:
laura-davin-adopt.blogspot.com
OR contact us by email or phone:
laura.davin.adopt@gmail.com
(***) ***-****"

Do you think, A) This couple is nuts and terribly desperate!, B) Hmm, do I know anyone???, or C) Oh look, a puppy for sale! If you thought somewhere along the lines of B, where else would you notice this flyer? Would you take one of the business cards by the flyer?

We're trying out some networking. I am heading toward the cities tomorrow with the flyers, and would love some ideas of where I could post them. If you think we're nuts, that's alright too...but you can keep you thoughts to yourself, even though I just asked for them.... :D

ETA: If you would like the pdf to our flyer to hang in your local coffee/sandwich shop, or your church, or your work break room, please feel free to email me, and I'll email it to you!

Thank you much! :)

I try not to worry 'bout her

Davin and I had a meeting at the adoption agency yesterday to update our home study. On the drive home we talked about Kiya. It's seems like it's gotten harder for me while it's gotten easier for Davin. I told him this, and I told me about this song. He said whenever he hears it, he cries a little. It reminds him of Kiya. I don't really listen to country music, so I had never heard it- I went online to find it when I got home. It's doesn't fit in the literal sense, but it does speak true to a lot of our feelings. So I thought I'd share it. Here's the lyrics to Sissy's Song, by Alan Jackson:

...

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me
...
Link to the song on you tube

Tears and Hope

Kiya is two weeks old today. I miss her. I love her. Of course, being me, I called her mom without thinking for more than two seconds about it. I found out her plan for when she graduates from treatment in two weeks. She'll live in a recovery house in St. Cloud for at least 60 days, which she said she is oddly (her words) excited about- yay! She has been getting back in touch with good friends she had before using drugs. She said there are a few that will be very good for her to be around, and they are happy to "have her back". Yay! Like, I said before, meth is an ugly drug, but if she can surround herself with a good support system, and can stay in the recovery home as long as possible...well, I have hope. I live on hope these days- but this is a stronger hope. I am choosing to believe it WILL happen for her. That she will turn her life around, and Kiya will live a happy and healthy life with her.

I cry because I miss Kiya, but I feel hope. Hope is good. :)

Sunshine and Hope

Like I mentioned before, we met with Stephanie and Oliver last weekend. We had lunch at a little Italian place in the cities. But nevermind the food (it was delicious!)- we got to see Stephanie and MEET Oliver! And is he a doll! I've blogged about my feelings when Stephanie initially decided to parent, and how those feelings changed once I talked to her and time passed. By the time she told us Oliver was born, we were genuinely happy for her. And now seeing her interact with him...my heart couldn't have been happier. She clearly loves him so much- he is one lucky little guy! He didn't like it one bit when I tried to feed him baby food, but I won't go into that... :D

At the risk of sounding extremely cheesy...that lunch was the ray of sunshine in what has been days of cloudy days. Truly. We have been pulling ourselves together, getting back into a normal routine. But Davin had been home from work all week- he did work from home a few days, but for the most part, we both kind of laid low. But seeing Stephanie, and seeing her as a mother...it was just sunshine. Pure light. And, more than ever, it gave me hope. I got back all the hope that I had lost since losing Kiya. It was all back. I still cried that night, for Kiya. I still miss her like crazy. But I believe that one day I will know the reason why she came into our lives. Why? Because we mourned the loss of our Nik. Then we met Oliver last Saturday. Davin and I talked about it when we left, and we agreed: Nik no longer felt like a loss. It has been said many times that Kiya is our second loss, and, technically, she is, but it doesn't feel like it. I mean, I see Oliver, and he's where he belongs. There is no sadness from us- quite the opposite. I think about Oliver, and I smile...

Stephanie, if you're reading this- thank you. Thank you for choosing us. Thank you for keeping in touch after having Oliver. You're a wonderful friend.

ETA: We went back in the book today...

Deep thinking hurts my head...

...or it may just be because when I read a book, the words blur and jump around on me. Glasses, you say? Nah, I'm sure I don't need those...

...segway into my serious thoughts...

Much of the past ten days have- for a lack of better word- sucked. When we initially lost Kiya it was much harder for Davin than for me. But toward the end of last week it hit me like a storm. I felt so much pain and eventually broke into tears that seemed would never stop. Which led to the thinking. Thoughts that weren't always straight, or even complete. More than anything, I fear for Kiya's well being. Her mom is meth addict. We had done our research. I had read articles and studies. I had talked to doctors. I even talked to someone who was once addicted to drugs- not meth, but she knows a lot about meth addiction. The positive right now, today, is that Kiya's mom is in a long term treatment center. That's good. But meth is an ugly, ugly drug, and its addiction is a serious disease. ...I should make it known right now that I do not blame Kiya's mom for her addiction. For some people, all it takes is one time using, and that's that. I do, however, worry about her decision to parent a 3 yr-old son and a newborn daughter when she leaves treatment. From what I know, she does not have a solid support system. ...I should also make this known- in all parenting cases, I believe if the mother wants to and is able to provide a healthy life for her children, then that is where the children should be.

So, what happens if Kiya's mom relapses? She has before. And one thing I have read and heard several times- part of meth recovery includes relapses. That scares me for her children. At the same time, I can't blame her for wanting her kids with her if she feels that she can in fact take care of them. I talked to her last Friday. I hadn't planned on calling her, but I just did. As the phone rang, I had no intention of actually speaking to her- I assumed she would not want to speak to me. But she did. She has Kiya with her in treatment, and says she is doing well. She said we could come see her on a Sunday during visiting hours. I told her that would be too hard for us right now, but maybe in a couple weeks. I told that we love Kiya, and we hope she calls us if she ever needs us...

That was Friday. On Sunday I read Beautiful Boy, which Leanne had said is a great book. It is. But it made me see this whole situation differently. What if Kiya's mom does change her mind? In the worst case scenario, what if she loses custody, and wants us to take her? And in "best" case scenario, what if she remains sober (I hope and pray every day that she does), but still changes her mind? In both cases, I see ourselves losing her again. If she slips, all she has to do is get clean to get her back. If she just changes her mind, all she needs a few good night's sleep, and she'll want her back. I know that sounds negative, but in everything we've been through with her, the one thing we know for sure, is that she is not reliable. I know some reading this are thinking I am just thinking the negative, but these are the realities, and they are things we have to consider.

So what will we do if Kiya's mom changes her mind? I am coming to accept that we need to let Kiya go. It is so hard, because we love her so much, and we worry about her safety. But Davin and I both know we can't be taken on a wild ride of possibly having her, only to have her taken again. I don't think we could handle losing her again. I hope to talk to her mom again- to ask her about what happens when she leaves treatment. I want to hear her plan. I want to know that Kiya is going to be okay. Then I have to walk away. I hope that will be the end- that we won't ever face the decision of having her again...how crazy does that sound? But we will just pray. Pray that Kiya has a happy and healthy life- that's all we can do.

...on a WAY lighter note, we met Stephanie and Oliver for lunch over the weekend! That will have to be another post- this one is getting dangerously long.

Adoption Blog

Don't ask me why I've been passing time by networking for adoption. You would think I would be taking a break from the whole adoption process right now...but it feels right. I miss Kiya more than I could ever express- I see her little mouth every time I close my eyes...that beautiful little baby....

-sigh-

...anyway...

I started an adoption blog. I would love for you to pass the link on to anyone and everyone you may know. Someone out there knows someone who knows a birth mother, right? You are welcome to leave comments on the blog. However, if you want your comment to be published, please leave it anonymously and sign your name- that way it won't be linked back to your blog. Thanks!

Also, if your on facebook, I started a group called Domestic Adoption- Networking and Support. Please invite ALL your friends to join! Thanks!

Once again, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. We are healing slowly but surely. :)

ETA: I have decided to not allow comments on the adoption blog. Not that we don't want to hear from people- we do!- but email will keep it more private. :)

On the first day of spring...

...this beautiful girl was born. We named her Ellen KyLee. Her birth mother, Jessica, had chosen the name Kiya Lee, and asked us if we could keep Lee in her name- KyLee was her idea for the middle name. She was born just after 11:00 p.m. ...I'll back up...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Wednesay, March 11, the day after this happened, Jessica called the agency. This was the birth mother we had heard from and then disappeared. She called from a treatment home- she had been there for three weeks after been arrested for meth use (she was on probation). She told the agency she still wanted us to adopt her baby, and that she was being induced on March 23rd. Yep, less than two weeks away! She called me last Friday to set up a plan for us to come meet her during visiting hours on Sunday, the day before she would be induced. Less than two hours after she called we got a call from the treatment home that Jessica had gone into labor and was going into the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We met the baby about an hour after she was born. They put us in our own room, and she stayed with us. I was a bit reserved, but Davin fell fast in love with her. Everything was going very smoothly- the next morning we found out that Jessica was getting ready to leave the hospital, and that she was going to sign the papers as soon as possible. That was about 11:00 Saturday morning. I'll skip details, but looking back, things starting turning upside down in the next several hours. At about 7:00 in the evening we got a call from our counselor. Jessica had changed her mind. Actually, I think she was strongly influenced by someone else, but it really doesn't matter. Ellen was no longer our baby. And we never got to say goodbye to her. When we found out, she was with Jessica.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, it's okay to be mad at God, right? I'm not sure who else to be mad at, and I feel like I need to be mad at someone. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I think I knew something was off from the moment I met the baby. However, Davin didn't. I hate to see him is so much pain. This sucks. That's all there is too it. Where we go from here, we don't know. In time we will. But for now we'll just leave it at "this sucks". I just hope and pray that Kiya has a happy and healthy life. And I pray that, even though I'm angry at God, he will help me understand this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you everyone for your kindness, and all your thoughts and prayers. They mean the world to us.

Walking Away

As you may know, we've been dealing with two potential adoption situations. One birth mother chose us, but now she seems to have disappeared. She has not returned emails to me, or calls to the agency. The counselor who met with her said she seemed like she was on her own program, so there is a chance she is just avoiding the paperwork and counseling and will show up when she has the baby- she is due in three weeks. I doubt that will happen, but I guess one never knows.

The other birth mother I've been emailing for about a week or so. I'm not going to go into details on her situation because they don't really matter for the purpose of this post. Basically, there seems to be a lot a "red flags", although she really thinks adoption is the best thing for her baby- she is due in June. I was supposed to call her today (she doesn't have long distance), but could not get a hold of her. This is the second time I've tried. She is extremely busy with school and kids, so it is hard to work out a good time. She has been emailing two other families- I don't know if they have had better luck. I really don't think she is avoiding the calls. All her emails indicate she wants to get a plan settled soon.

I've put so much energy into this situation in the past week, and I realized today that things just didn't feel right. After I tried calling her I laid down and started started praying. I realized I kept saying, "God, please help me understand all of this" over and over. Davin and I talked about all the unknowns of the situation, and I called our adoption counselor. After talking it through with her, the answer was clear. This situation wasn't right for us. We were going to walk away.

-DEEP BREATH- Never would I have thought I would walk away from a situation before getting all the answers we were looking for. But I gotta say, it felt like a huge weight was lifted. An enormous weight. And it felt right. I can't explain it fully, but it was an easy decision. I have no doubt that if she does go through with the adoption, her baby will be raised in a very happy and loving home.

Today Leanne asked me if all adoptions are like this. This roller coaster. This crazy insane ride of emotions. My answer: Nope. But a lot are. When we started the process the agency talked a lot about how things could go. Sometimes people are chosen right away and it goes off without a hitch. Sometimes people don't hear anything for a year, and suddenly they get a call that there is a baby for them. Sometimes it's similar to ours. A lot situations arise, but nothing has panned out. Yet. I keep telling myself, "Hey, people are looking at our profile. People are interested. That's a good thing." Some of the birth mothers we've been in contact with decide adoption isn't the right decision. Or they choose someone over us. Or they just disappear. That one I don't particularly like, but, hey, we don't get a say in that.

Davin and I, we've decided the ideal situation would be a call in the night that there's a baby at the hospital. Come and get your baby. No more drama, please. But we don't get a say in that either.

A Happily Ever After story...

Our friends Ben and Gina started the adoption process about the same time we did. (At the time we had no idea the other was planning to adopt!). We finished the paperwork around the same time. We got chosen for babies around the same time. Then our birth mother changed her mind. A couple months later, after meeting their twin boys, the birth mother changed her mind. About month after that, they got chosen again, only to have this birth mother change her mind also. This adoption process, it can be quite the rollercoaster of emotions!

Last week Ben and Gina got a call about a four-month old baby boy down south. The parents had already signed the paperwork. No more rollercoaster. This baby was their son. They named him Jackson. Jackson has had a rough life that no child should have to endure. Those who know about his story have feelings of sadness, anger, disgust...all of which were feelings I felt initially. However, the way I see it now is that Jackson has been saved. He is going home to a place where he will be loved and adored by his parents- a home where he can heal and thrive. If anyone can give Jackson the life he deserves, it is Ben and Gina- two of the most loving people I know.

I think this story is proof that some things happen for a reason. Ben and Gina have had a crazy emotional rollercoaster ride that is adoption. But this Friday Saturday they bring home the baby that was meant to be their son. Jackson needs them. And they need Jackson. It is a Happily Ever After if I've ever seen one.

Congratulations to Ben and Gina and baby Jackson- with much love!

A season to believe

This Christmas is not as Davin and I had envisioned it. We thought we would be addressing and sending out Christmas cards of our baby Nik right now. I thought I'd be worn out from sleepless nights due to a baby's demands, not tired because of the sadness I feel. My heart aches every day. Not for Oliver. I am happy for him and his family. My heart aches from the emptiness in our lives, our hearts. Where is our baby? Is he or she out there somewhere? Is our birth mother expecting yet? Is she about to give birth? It is so incredibly difficult to ponder these questions, because there is no possible way to know.

So this Christmas has brought on a new meaning to us. We have not felt the Christmas spirit, and we have decided that we're okay with that. The tree is still boxed up. The ornaments, the decorations, the lights are still stored away. We have a wreath on our front door, which we bought from Cole (Leanne's son), a poinsettia from my sister, Trista, a spiced cinnamon scented wallflower from Bath and Body Work's, and this ornament (above), also from my sister, Trista. Have I ever said how sweet Trista is? She is. Very sweet. Thanks for being you!

Anyway, while our home is close to void of Christmas decorations, we are trying will all our hearts to BELIEVE. To believe that God has a baby for us. To believe that we will enjoy Christmas day, regardless of the pain we feel. To believe that it will all be okay. I especially like to believe that next year will be a more joyous season for us. I want to believe that there will be a not two, but three stockings hanging along the railing. That our home will look and feel like Christmas everywhere you turn. I believe it will be happy.

Right now we are going about our lives as if it were any other month of the year. With aching but believing hearts.

A birth mother's decision

When we started the adoption process, we were so consumed in ourselves. The home study and paperwork required us to look deeply into who we are as individuals and as husband and wife. We faced facts about ourselves that we would have never otherwise thought about. We took a hard look at our marriage. I was worried going in and facing all these deep issues, but was pleased to see how incredibly strong our marriage is. Davin and I balance each other very well, and we love and respect each other more than ever.

Anyway, a home study evaluates your life, but once it's over it is time to wait for a birth mother to choose you to raise her baby. It wasn't until Stephanie and Casey changed their minds about the adoption that we could see just how difficult it is for a birth mother to give her baby away. We were told from the start, and we thought we understood that it is very hard for a woman to place her baby for adoption, but I think we had under-estimated the extent of a birth mother's burden. Even when a woman knows she is not ready to be a mother or cannot provide for her child, she still loves him or her all the same. For those of you who are mother's, you can't imagine carrying your child for nine months, giving birth, and then handing this little life to someone else, trusting they will provide a better life that you could. It doesn't matter that a birth mother may not have wanted to get pregnant in the first place. It does not matter if she is 16 years old and trying to get through high school, or 30 and trying to get her life in order. Every woman who carries another life inside her loves that baby. No matter what. And it is that love that makes adoption so difficult, but also what makes it possible. A woman can only hand her child to another person to raise when she knows she cannot, for whatever reason, raise that baby, and she loves him or her way too much to try raise them in her situation.

In Stephanie's case, she was trying to get her life in order and panicked when she found out she was pregnant. Her love for her child immediately made her start an adoption plan. As things calmed, I believe she grew stronger as a person, as did the love for the baby she was carrying. She was lucky to have a strong support system to help her, and she found she could in fact raise her baby. How could anyone blame her for changing her mind?

Not every birth mother has family and friends like Stephanie. There are girls and women who would love to raise their babies, but just cannot. One of them who loves her baby so much, will choose us to raise him or her, and we will have a family. However, the mother will grieve. A birth mother placing her baby for adoption is losing her child. It is never easy for her. When I am rocking our baby to sleep someday I will be praying for his or her birth mother- I will pray that God will give her strength to help her through her loss, and that He will continue to watch over her always.

I cannot write exactly how I feel- it comes out all rambly, but what I am saying is a birth mother's decision is not easy. It is made out of love. And I will never take that for granted.

I wonder...

Do you ever think that God plays your life a certain way for the sole purpose of entertaining the angels in heaven? Follow me...I can't quite figure out why our adoption journey has been so bumpy. Today I was thinking about it and I thought maybe, just maybe, God is using us to entertain the angels. It's like one day He thought "Hey, everyone! Come gather on this cloud over Isabella Avenue. We're gonna have some fun!" Then he dangles a potentional adoption situation in front of us, and all the angels are on the edge of the cloud, waiting to see our reaction. We get all excited and the angels cheer. Then God says, "Now watch.", and he yanks the situation away. The angels gasp! They hold their breathe waiting for our reaction. ...this next part was my mom's input... All the angels pull out signs with our names on it and chant for us "Come on, Laura, you can do it!" We cry. The angels cheer to encourage us. We cry some more, but pick ourselves up and move ahead, our heads held high. The angels roar with excitement! ....back to my input... God then leads the angels to another cloud to play with another family. But just when we're getting back into a normal routine, He gathers the angels back above us and dangles another situation...it goes on...and on...

So, what does this story tell you? A) I'm feeling a bit cynical, but B) Angels are cheering us on! Thanks, Mom, for putting the angels on our side! In my version, they were just laughing. But I'm sure when God brings us our baby for real, the angels will throw a big party!

I should add: I truly do think things are meant to happen. If the reason we were brought into Oliver's life was to help his mother realize just how much she loves and needs her son, and nothing else, than I can live with that. She is an amazing person, and I know our Nik is going to have a wonderful life.

Oliver, our Nik

He was born on October 31st. He weighed 6 lbs 6 ozs and was 20 inches long. His mother said he is doing very well, and she can't imagine how she would have given him up for adoption. I don't blame her. He's absolutely perfect, isn't he? We are thankful she made this decision before we met this little guy. Davin and I are crying tonight. We just want to hold him. But everything happens for a reason, right? Forget politics, this is what life is all about- little miracles like this baby.

A new day

Okay, so I've put off posting for a couple days because I had nothing good to say. You know the saying "if you have nothing good to say, then say nothing at all...". Well, that's how the last few days have been. But today starts new...

First: Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry I don't know all of you- even some that I know I should know...your comments are very kind- thank you! P.S. I made my email accessible through my blog.

Second: It's election day!!! This means no more icky ads! And, more importantly, our country can move in a new and refreshing direction. I look forward to the changes our new president will bring to our great nation!

Last, but not least: It is sunny outside, and I get to spend time with my nieces!

I know this month is going to be rough at times- I will always be wondering if Oliver is born and healthy. I will have my days of feeling sad. But today I am going to push those tears back, and be happy to be with nieces- they always put a smile on my face!

Peace out.

A sad day

I am going to try my best to keep this blog cheery and upbeat. However, I also said I am going to be myself, and let's not kid ourselves, nobody is cheery every day. So why is today tough? Well, it's November. The baby boy we thought was going to be our son is due to be born on November 21st. We grieved the loss when the birth parents first changed our mind, but I'm realizing the loss is going to felt all over again when he is born.

We were going to name him Nik. We had his room all ready for him. All his clothes were washed. His ultrasound picture was in a frame on his dresser- I kissed him good night every night. One day I a went to pick up a bundle me that I bought on craigslist. I came home and put a load a load of Nik's clothes in the wash. I left for Target to buy bottles. On the way I called my sister Leanne and we were talking about how everything was going so well. I had just gotten an email from the birth mother two days before. She had met with her lawyer and she expressed how happy she was to have found Davin and I to raise her baby. While I was talking to Leanne our adoption counselor called. I said I would call her when I stopped. A few minutes later Davin called me. The agency had gotten an email from the birth parents and they had changed their minds.

Just like that it was over.

After the anger passed (it lasted a few days), I talked to Stephanie (the birth mother), and I felt somewhat better. She felt sincerely sorry. I won't go into why things changed so suddenly, but it was something we could understand. They wanted the ultrasound pictures back. Originally, I was so angry and I thought there was no way I was going to part with them. But time passed and I packed them up along with a gift we had gotten for Nik, and sent them back. Stephanie said she would let us know when Oliver (their name) is born. They will send us a picture.

Back to today...I have been feeling sad. I've cried- a lot. I have a feeling this is going to be a tough month.

Thanks for letting me vent. It helps.

Escape from reality

Recently, Davin and I suffered a rough set-back in the adoption process- long story short, we were going to have a baby boy 3 weeks from now, and after 7 weeks of working with the birth mother and father, they decided they wanted to raise the baby. I won't go into that here, but after about a week, we needed an escape from reality, so we headed to our own heaven on earth, the north shore. We have always stayed in Two Harbors, but this time we stayed on the canal. We walked around the canal, did some shopping (even got a Christmas gift for Davin's parents!), and watched ships come and go. I haven't done that since our parents brought us as kids! It was an amazing get-away!

We wanted to watch a ship come through at night, so we parked ourselves out on the pier fifteen minutes before it was due to leave. We didn't factor in that after pushing off, the ship still had to maneuver its gigantic a** through the port in order to get out onto Lake Superior. So we waited two hours. And it was COLD. The freezing wind affected our brains a tad, and we started getting loopy. First, I looked at the lighthouse and said "Hey, I didn't know lighthouses had addresses!"

Then we read this sign that said those who vandalized the lighthouse would be fined $2500. Half of the money would be given as a reward to the person who had information on who dunnit. So...we thought, "Hey, one of us should vandalize the lighthouse and then we can collect the reward money." Never mind the fact we would be fined double what we would receive. Or that we would NEVER vandalize. ...hey, this was funny at the time.

In the end, we were able to put aside the grief we had been feeling, and just act stupid, and think we were SO funny. Plus, waiting for that ship was worth the wait!!!

The next day we took a drive. It was a bit past peak season, but beautiful none-the-less. I couldn't believe I had never been to Enger Tower or 7 Bridges Road! We will definitely make it a tradition to hit them up every time we head north.

Adoption Minnesota

www.adoption-minnesota.com

This is an awesome agency. Everyone who works here have been so nice to us. On average, this agency has about 50 placements a year- although, they hit 50 in September this year. Right now there are 48 families in "The Book". Two weeks ago, when we went back in the book, they were working with 8 birth mothers who had not yet chosen a family.

You can see our online profile under "Choose a Family" on the website. The hard copy they have at the agency has many more pictures and is more colorful- you don't have those options online.

Adoption- the Why

I have to break down all my adoption blogging- there's a lot to say. I'll start with the Why:

Davin and I are trying to start a family through the adoption process. It's been a heck (hey, I didn't swear) of a roller-coaster. I'll try start at the beginning:

Why are we adopting? It amazes me how many people ask why. They ask if we are unable to get pregnant- really, is that anyone's business??? Seriously, people have no tact. But since I'm blogging and sharing everything, I'll give you the honest and (kind of) long answer:

Davin and I have been married for over 8 years. Those of you close to us know the first few years were hell, as I dealt with severe mental problems (Maybe I'll cover that in another post). With Davin by my side, and God looking over us, we got through it. For our fifth wedding anniversary we went to Jamaica. I see that anniversary as a new beginning to our marriage. It was the first time I felt "normal". I felt healthy. Not only that, Davin and I came out with a stronger and happier relationship than anyone could ever ask for.

We always knew we wanted children- we even tried right when we got married- we now know it is blessing that we didn't have children through the rough years. We don't know that I cannot get pregnant. We don't know that I can. Doesn't matter. I am on medications that, if I were to get pregnant, I would have to go off of. We spent years stabalizing my health, and we are not willing to compromise how far I've come. Five years ago, I would have made a terrible mom. Today, I can be a good mom. I am healthy and happy, and we plan on keeping it that way. Therefore, adoption became a natural decision. It was easy. It feels right for us. I know some people see our decision of me staying on medication as selfish. There are babies born every day who need a mom and dad to love them. We will be lucky to raise one of those babies as our own.

That's the Why.