On my knees

Today has been a draining day, full of sadness and pain. I spend one moment praying with all my might, and the next cursing at God, and then back to praying. Why do bad things happen to good people??? I was going to attend a church service this evening that addressed that very issue, but when it was time to go I was in my "I'm pissed at God" moments. Yes, I admit, I am weak and get angry at God. But I will not stop praying. Ever. But this post isn't about me- it's about the people who could use your prayers also:

Please pray for Dan and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is my cousin. Her and her husband, Dan, were in a very bad car accident yesterday. Both are still unresponsive and in critical condition. They have three young children who need them.

ETA: Both Dan and Elizabeth seem to be responding some now...miracles DO happen, right?

Dan and Elizabeth's Caringbridge

Please for Emily. Emily is a woman in our adoption group. Her and her partner, Elizabeth, adopted a baby girl, Gwyn, six months ago. She is going through treatment for cancer that was in remission until recently.

Emily's Caringbridge

Please continue to pray for Gregory. Gregory, as you probably know, is our godson, who has ongoing medical issues. He just recently spent three days at the hospital receiving IV antibiotics for another infection. This is very much his life.

Gregory's Caringbridge

"Two Hands" by Jars of Clay

So, I've been trying to form a blog entry in my head for several days now, but my thoughts just keep spinning. If I had one word to describe how I feel about life right now, it would "Confused". There is a lot of pain around me that I don't understand. Anyway, I was driving home from St. Cloud tonight, and this song came on the radio. I didn't even realize that I was paying attention to the lyrics until I noticed my head felt lighter than it has in days. This song is pretty much how I'm feeling right now- about life, about faith. Going from 101.3 to 98.5 on my car radio may be turning out to be a good thing for me.

About that, I started listening to spiritual stations last week when I first was feeling a lot of sadness and grief. I was pretty cynical at first- all the talk about God didn't make me comforted at all- in fact I cried a lot because it didn't sound real to me and I was angry. But it started to become more comfortable, and tonight was the first time I was really, truly glad I had it on. It was the first time I felt like I truly benefited from it.

Anyway, this is "Two Hands", by Jars of Clay. I haven't quite made it to the final paragraph yet, as far as my life goes, but I trust I'll get there.

On the first day of spring...

...this beautiful girl was born. We named her Ellen KyLee. Her birth mother, Jessica, had chosen the name Kiya Lee, and asked us if we could keep Lee in her name- KyLee was her idea for the middle name. She was born just after 11:00 p.m. ...I'll back up...

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On Wednesay, March 11, the day after this happened, Jessica called the agency. This was the birth mother we had heard from and then disappeared. She called from a treatment home- she had been there for three weeks after been arrested for meth use (she was on probation). She told the agency she still wanted us to adopt her baby, and that she was being induced on March 23rd. Yep, less than two weeks away! She called me last Friday to set up a plan for us to come meet her during visiting hours on Sunday, the day before she would be induced. Less than two hours after she called we got a call from the treatment home that Jessica had gone into labor and was going into the hospital.

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We met the baby about an hour after she was born. They put us in our own room, and she stayed with us. I was a bit reserved, but Davin fell fast in love with her. Everything was going very smoothly- the next morning we found out that Jessica was getting ready to leave the hospital, and that she was going to sign the papers as soon as possible. That was about 11:00 Saturday morning. I'll skip details, but looking back, things starting turning upside down in the next several hours. At about 7:00 in the evening we got a call from our counselor. Jessica had changed her mind. Actually, I think she was strongly influenced by someone else, but it really doesn't matter. Ellen was no longer our baby. And we never got to say goodbye to her. When we found out, she was with Jessica.

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So, it's okay to be mad at God, right? I'm not sure who else to be mad at, and I feel like I need to be mad at someone. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I think I knew something was off from the moment I met the baby. However, Davin didn't. I hate to see him is so much pain. This sucks. That's all there is too it. Where we go from here, we don't know. In time we will. But for now we'll just leave it at "this sucks". I just hope and pray that Kiya has a happy and healthy life. And I pray that, even though I'm angry at God, he will help me understand this.

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Thank you everyone for your kindness, and all your thoughts and prayers. They mean the world to us.

Candle of Hope

My ice candle may not be perfect, but I love it. It took me two attempts- the first time it froze all the way through- oops.

Anyway, I lit my candle tonight for the first time. I lit it with a prayer for Mindi's sister-in-law, and tomorrow I will light it with a prayer that God may bring us a baby this year. That was the prayer I had in mind when I decided to make the candle.

A candle a hope, a moment each day for me to reflect on life as I light it- to be thankful for my life, think of those who need prayers, and hope, just hope, that God has a baby out there for us.

My faith, in the open

I have an enormous faith in God. It is He who carried Davin and through many dark days. I pray to Him every night, and thank him for all he has given us.

I think people confuse this with "church". Currently, I do not have a church that I attend. Davin and I have always been pretty private when it comes to religion. However, since we are hoping to have children soon, I am looking for a church to join, as we want our children to grow up in faith, just as we did. It's hard. There is a church on every corner. How do we know where we will be comfortable? I pray to find that place.

That's all.