Hmmm...

So Davin and I are heading to Chicago next weekend- yay! They say that when you're waiting for a baby, all you have to do is go on vacation and you will get a call. I think we've gone on half a dozen vacations since we heard that. :P Well, we did have to cancel a big one to California for Kiya, so maybe there is something to it, and this will be the one... :)

Anyhoo, we've never been to Chicago. Well, I've never been to Chicago (except driving through), and Davin has only been for business. So, what is that one thing in Chicago that we absolutely MUST do? I know there are so many things to see, and we'll only be there for two days, but I sure don't want to miss something spectacular!

Have a great weekend everyone! :)

For Julie

She is hunkering down and bound to go stir crazy. Supposedly reading blogs helps. So this one is for her.

Hmm....what to blog about. Well, I'm feeling quite a bit better. Davin and I are thinking about going to Chicago in a couple weeks. I've never been, and I figured we should probably go since we talk about possibly moving there someday.

Oh, I know! The list!

74) Davin and I always talk about moving away someday. We thought Arizona, but decided against that after we went in June and about melted. Chicago has always been talked about since Davin's work headquarters are there and he has to travel there pretty often anyway. Plus, it's a short(ish) drive home, and flights are usually pretty cheap. I don't think we will really know what we want to do until we have kids. Being around family is pretty awesome. I'm just not a MN winter gal. Not that Chicago is much better...

75) I am in the process of finding a church. But that's a whole other post.

76) Today I am fasting for a procedure tomorrow. It's 8:30 a.m. and my stomach is growling. And I have drink some crap to clear my system still. I don't suspect I will be most cheerful by the end of the day...

77) I can drink Diet Coke while I fast. That just may save my sanity.


78) I can NOT decide on a new camera. This photo was taken with one I bought then returned, and now wish I would have tried out for a bit longer. I think any camera could have gotten this shot because the lighting was great, but I just love that a sunflower is growing out of dead tree. (I doctored the colors obviously). My dad explained to the Shari's kids how a bird got seeds from the feeder and dropped one on the tree as it flew over. They were so intrigued- too cute. :)

Bring on the Funny

The Big Bang Theory starts tonight on CBS. Laughter is the best medicine, right? :D

Click here to watch Sheldon try make a friend...

Working toward Normal

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. The amount of comments to my last post surprised (and humbled) me. The sole reason for me writing my thoughts and feelings was to bring awareness to mental illness, nothing more. Ever since I first conquered mental illness several years ago, I promised myself that I would become an advocate for mental illness. I want to do more someday to help others, but today I can just share my experience and hope that helps, even just a little.

On that note, things are a little better. I'm not in bed as much. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and we're working back to the the meds I was on before things got bad. I wish I could just pop a pill and everything would be back to normal, but it will take work on my part also. I crashed, and now it's up to me to pick myself up. I know I need the meds- I was very anti-med years ago, and have since learned and accepted that I have a chemical imbalance, and I do actually NEED the meds. My diagnosis was (is) depression (moderate to severe), anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. These are diagnoses that I will always live with. However, when things are under control, you would never know. In fact, I like to think they kind of "go away", but I am always prone to them. The reality is they are there, in my brain, but drugs and therapy keep them at bay. Either way, I've learned to be okay with it as long as I'm feeling normal. They say there is no such thing as normal. There is to me. I know when I feel normal- my normal- and that's what I strive for. That is what I am going for right now. Today. Tomorrow. Every day until I get there.

Thanks again. I hope everyone has a great weekend! :)

Mental Health Reality

Warning: bit of a Debbie-Downer post...

I haven't blogged anything significant in awhile. A couple months ago (I think- my time gauge is way off) I started having problems sleeping, as well dizziness and fainting. My psychiatrist set out a new medication regime for me. Keep in mind I have been on meds for depression and anxiety for many years, and I've been on a consistent 'maintenance' regime for a long time now. That all got thrown to the wind- you can imagine how that affected my mental state. Fast forward to now, two (or something) months later, and I am in a depressive state with regularly occuring panic attacks. I have been on several different meds at different doses since it all started. Now I just want to go back to where I was before 'The Big Med Change'. I was happy then. I was content. Now I'm a big mess. And going off my previous meds didn't stop the lightheadedness, so it was all pretty much for nothing. The good news is that I think we are gradually turning back to the tried and true. The bad news is, I am shit right now. The reason I am writing this post is to give you an insight of a truly depressed mind:

~ It is a chore to get out of bed in the morning. I would prefer to stay there all day. Crying.
~ Taking a shower seems like an impossible task. And once I get myself in the shower I sit in there forever, because getting out and getting dried off and dressed seems even more difficult.
~ I have no appetite. I eat because I have to, but sometimes I am literally gagging down food.
~ I sleep A LOT. Anyone who knows me, knows this is unusual.
~ Most the time my chest feels tight, and I have to remind myself to breath.
~ I feel like my nerves are physically shaking inside of me.
~ I go to work (trust me, it is a big deal that I make it there), but I am losing the ability to wear my mask of happiness. People have commented that I look ill.
~ I feel as if no one should choose us to raise their baby. I feel completely unequiped to be a wife, much less a mother.
~ My muscles ache. My body physically is hurting. My jaw hurts from clenching it. My legs and arms from tension. But driving to get a massage seems like too much work.
~I have avoided as many social outings as possible- I feel like I would bring everyone else down.

So why am I telling you all this? Because it is real. And because I know I am stronger than this depressive state. I know I can beat it. I haven't- yet- but I will. I just think that maybe, just maybe telling everyone tidbits of what it feels like to be depressed may help one person realize they are not alone. I am stronger than depression and anxiety. God is stronger. He will get me through this. But if you want to say a prayer, I certainly won't argue. Here's to a turn-around....

I have the best friends

I had a bad day. I felt like I was surrounded by a cloud of bad energy and I just couldn't shake it. I was ready to come home and crawl into bed. But first I opened the mail. In it was a card from one of my best friends, along with this picture taped to it. I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard. Thanks, friend, for making my day! :)

Seriously???

A couple days ago I came across an article stating that adoption is morally wrong. Adopting is criminal for adoptive parents because of the pain they put onto the birth mother. And it is criminal for birth mothers to "throw away" what is supposed to be theirs. I tried looking for this article yesterday and couldn't find it, but I did come across another one, which is very similar to what the other said. I am curious of your opinion of this article. Me, personally, it made me speechless. I don't even know how to reply to such opinions, honestly.

http://www.originsnsw.com/fathers/id3.html

As a side note, I was encouraged while looking for the article. When I typed in "adoption" and "wrong" or "morally wrong", I got probably 50 hits of pro-adoption to 1 anti-adoption.

ETA: I probably shouldn't have even posted this, but I find the idea so out there, that I had to share. I certainly have not one ounce of doubt that adoption is anything but good. I just wonder how a mind works to believe so strongly against adoption, you know?

I can take it

What is everyone doing on this last official weekend of summer??? I work, so that's boring, but I can still hear about the fun stuff. Camping, bbqs with lawn games, parties??? Please let me live vicariously through you! :)

Have a wonderful weekend!


*Davin playing monster golf with his brothers. :)