Warning: bit of a Debbie-Downer post...
I haven't blogged anything significant in awhile. A couple months ago (I think- my time gauge is way off) I started having problems sleeping, as well dizziness and fainting. My psychiatrist set out a new medication regime for me. Keep in mind I have been on meds for depression and anxiety for many years, and I've been on a consistent 'maintenance' regime for a long time now. That all got thrown to the wind- you can imagine how that affected my mental state. Fast forward to now, two (or something) months later, and I am in a depressive state with regularly occuring panic attacks. I have been on several different meds at different doses since it all started. Now I just want to go back to where I was before 'The Big Med Change'. I was happy then. I was content. Now I'm a big mess. And going off my previous meds didn't stop the lightheadedness, so it was all pretty much for nothing. The good news is that I think we are gradually turning back to the tried and true. The bad news is, I am shit right now. The reason I am writing this post is to give you an insight of a truly depressed mind:
~ It is a chore to get out of bed in the morning. I would prefer to stay there all day. Crying.
~ Taking a shower seems like an impossible task. And once I get myself in the shower I sit in there forever, because getting out and getting dried off and dressed seems even more difficult.
~ I have no appetite. I eat because I have to, but sometimes I am literally gagging down food.
~ I sleep A LOT. Anyone who knows me, knows this is unusual.
~ Most the time my chest feels tight, and I have to remind myself to breath.
~ I feel like my nerves are physically shaking inside of me.
~ I go to work (trust me, it is a big deal that I make it there), but I am losing the ability to wear my mask of happiness. People have commented that I look ill.
~ I feel as if no one should choose us to raise their baby. I feel completely unequiped to be a wife, much less a mother.
~ My muscles ache. My body physically is hurting. My jaw hurts from clenching it. My legs and arms from tension. But driving to get a massage seems like too much work.
~I have avoided as many social outings as possible- I feel like I would bring everyone else down.
So why am I telling you all this? Because it is real. And because I know I am stronger than this depressive state. I know I can beat it. I haven't- yet- but I will. I just think that maybe, just maybe telling everyone tidbits of what it feels like to be depressed may help one person realize they are not alone. I am stronger than depression and anxiety. God is stronger. He will get me through this. But if you want to say a prayer, I certainly won't argue. Here's to a turn-around....
21 comments:
Hi.. I don't know you IRL, but I like your blog and just wanted to say that you're not alone. Hold on- things will get better. I have struggled with depression also. I remember how hard it was to take a shower, get out of bed, and just get thru the day. I don't know what to say, because I know there are no easy fixes, but I hope that your treatment will help and that your friends and family will, too. I am thinking of you.
Hi Laura,
So, so sorry you are feeling depressed. You are bravely honest and that is a healing thing. Hugs and prayers for you that you only keep getting stronger and that God will carry you through. You've definitely helped me.
~Jen S
Laura-
wishing you the best with the med change. They can be so yucky.
I remember being depressed and having those same problems of getting out of bed, etc. and totally blaming myself- feeling like the problem was my "laziness." I am glad you shared- it is good to look back once in awhile- I do live with a bit of fear of reoccurrance.
Hang in there, Laura! We are here, rooting for better days for you.
I love this post because it is so honest. I think it is also one of your most powerful posts.
I think you should keep writing.
Thank you for writing this post. I think I am at the beginning of a depression and trying to get out of it. Some days it is so hard to not feel completely worthless. And for the ones around us to understand us in all our irrationality. Just know that you are not alone in this battle and remember that God loves you and has a purpose for you. I have to tell myself that in my most desperate moments and pray that this phase of life will end and soon much happiness will come! I feel that it is all baby steps and you must be proud of each little achievement! (even if it's just waking up and showering :))!
I don't even know who you are but your post was certainly moving.
We can get through this tough battle!!
Love you Laura!
:( Wish that I could snap and make things better or at least be able to look into the future and give you hope (like a timeframe for your baby's arrival?!) to hang onto when you're dealing with this. Hang in there, hon. This can not be easy and I think of you often. And can I just say? You WILL be an awesome mom! Love you!
P.S. The Office- Thursday.
Laura, seriously, you amaze me.
i love your honesty.
did i ever mention this part of my life? there was a time when i would get out of bed just before, and only when, my roommates got home. i would fake going to classes so they wouldn't ask me questions. my low point was one night when i was screaming/bawling in horrendous anxiety on the couch, the roommies were both out. i was so scared of myself and what was in my head... i started getting better from there. my mom started checking in on me, and i had to tell her when and how much i ate. rice was all i could eat for a while, maybe just a few weeks, but each day felt like an eternity.
you are stronger than this time of change, and you will improve.
also, i was holding suvi while reading your post (ooh, gotta hurry she's emptying out the wipes box) and she pointed at you in the photo below and said, "Happy." Babes don't lie, girl. It is in you and is you.
Peace and Love, Jen
Prayers for you--for rest, peace, and sunshine. We love you. --Mari
Thank-you for sharing. There have been times that I wonder if I'm depressed, however I have never felt anywhere near that. I know there are different levels of anxiety/depression, but that post actually made me feel better...Not sure if that was the intention.
That being said, I will be thinking of you. It takes a strong person to express that kind of emotion.
Laura,
Thanks so much for writing--it must have taken incredible strength! Good luck with adopting. God will never leave you.
Hi Laura, Thank you for sharing. I went through a brief period in my life where I dealt with anxiety and panic attacks and I have to say I never want to go back there. Meds did icky things to me, so I treated mine naturally and made it through (no where near as severe as yours) Just hang in there and stay strong. We're all pulling for you.
I am thinking of you, Laura. Love and hugs.
Sending prayers for you to get through this! It sounds like you'll win for sure since you realize that it's real, and you know how to get help and to let God carry you through. It's huge that you have such a supportive hubby too!
:) Laura Kangas
No one can walk for you but so many are walking beside you to support you, catch you and even drag you along if needed...even those of us that have never met you in real life. You can and will overcome this as you have in the past. You are so brutally honest about this and I'm sure by putting this out there you are helping someone else.
Prayers and hugs for you.
Wow. This is a powerful post. Wow. This evoked a lot of responses. Tons of support and love flowing for you. I hope you feel it from us.
I don't know what you are going through. Although, maybe I slightly understand it. Hang in there, there'll be better days ahead.
And look at how you inspire people to share tidbits about their lives. Imagine how good it feels for them to talk about it, also...
Please keep writing! I wish I had your courage to write about my inner battles. That is where you and I are different., you are much stronger. Here is to much peace and happiness in your beautiful soul!
So so so much love to you Laura! :)
Laura, I am thinking of you and praying for you. I apologize I didn't see this sooner, and really hope this message finds you on the upswing. :) Your honesty is amazing. You are an incredible human being a wonderful wife, and I just KNOW you will be a terrific mommy! Love, prayers, and hugs to you.
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