Living Green

Sick? Me? Nooo....

This litte guy doesn't realize he should at least act sick, being he's in the hospital and all. Good thing he's going home tomorrow! Ain't he cute? :)

Gregory's CaringBridge website

Room for one extra prayer tonight?

We are lucky and blessed to be this little guys god parents. Gregory is Julie and Andrew's youngest son. He was born last February with gastroschisis and spent several weeks in the hospital (above). The first 11 months of Gregory's life as been full of ups and quite a few downs. He's going into the hospital tomorrow morning so they can try figure out the latest bump in the road. He is SO lucky to have the best mommy and daddy- they have been given strength beyond belief. And his big brother, Ethan, what a trooper! I can't go into how wonderful they are right now- I can't see the screen through my tears. So, I'll end this one by asking you to please say a little prayer for Gregory and his family. Thank you.

P.S. Here's Gregory's story:

CaringBridge

At last, a litte peace! I hope...

Okay, Davin and I have been counting Weight Watchers points for about a week now. Well, me, two weeks, and Davin one. So what's the problem? Davin. His math geek personality as come forward in full force! Don't get me wrong, I love his intelligence and love for all things numbered, but things are getting out of control. All I hear about when we're together is points. SO annoying. It started one night when I he was on his computer and he asked a question about how many calories something had. I looked at his computer screen and saw he a big 'ol Excel spreadsheet open. He had it all figured out. Freakin' columns and rows with freakin' formulas to keep track of his points. I busted a gut! He thought it was mean of me to laugh at him. His response was "Anyone would keep a spreadsheet." Like, duh. I thought it was hilarious- and cute. But it hasn't stopped- the talking talking talking about points. Today I was informed that he was trying to figure out the formula for calculating points. I said I would just buy him a points calculator, but he said he would rather figure it out because "it's funner". Something about it not being linear. ??? But what if it takes months for him to get it down? That would mean months of chatter about it. So I went on a hunt. And low and behold, I found the formula on Wikipedia! I gave it to him, he's fired up, and I'm happy as a clam. Happy because I feel a little bit smart for finding it, but mostly happy because now he's got his dumb formula and his spreadsheet for tracking points is complete.

Davin: "Oooh, yeah!"
Me: "Amen to that!"


ETA: Formula for Leanne:

It's come to my attention...

...that I'm an anxious person. Ha! As if I didn't already know that, Leanne! Even still, my dear sister brought up a great decent point. You know my last post? The one where I am doubting our new president's decisions? After reading other's comments, I was left feeling pretty dumb. I was surprised that I seemed to be the only one worried about the *short* timeline. I wondered why this was bothering me and only me. This was Leanne's thought:

Leanne: "Laura, my dear sister, you are an anxious person. You don't like change."
Me: "But, dear Leanne, I think the changes are good- it's the timeline that worries me."
Leanne: "Dear Laura, it is the sudden changes you don't like."

True. Her example? My brother Dan and his wife moving away. I mean, I always knew they would eventually move, but when we got, like, less than a month notice, I freaked out! They can't just up and leave without giving me a fair warning! Sheesh!

Moral of the story? I would have appreciate it if from now on President Obama informs me of his decisions ahead of time. Like, he could have told me this back in November. Would have been nice. I'm just saying.

Is it just me?

Or is Obama being overly aggressive with his moves right now? Seriously- I want to know. I don't know much about politics, so I don't know if this is the norm for a new president. A couple actions I am wondering about is shutting down Gitmo within a year, and putting a hold on terrorist trials. Don't get me wrong- I am against torture, but I also don't want another terrorist attack on our land. Help me out here- are these moves smart? Where are prisoners going after Gitmo closes? Is he allowing enough time to make these transitions? I could do more research- I've only read a couple articles- but I know everyone has an opinon. That being said, I am aware I am opening up what could be a heated discussion, but I think it's important. So please, share your opinions, but be respectful.

Also, I will delete anonymous posts that are not signed.

Dancing Phalanges!

Bones is back on tonight!!!

If you've never seen the show, you probably won't appreciate this clip. However, if you have, you have to admit one of the episode's was when Bones had temporary costudy of a baby. FYI, obviously someone has inserted some screen words on this youtube clip, but it's still great!

Dancing Phalanges

By the way, I have played dancing phalanges with babies. Does that make me odd? :D

Good Luck, Obama!

I think he needs it. Not because he's not qualified or that he can't do his job, but, really, he's got a sh crap pile of work waiting for him! I look forward to seeing what he actually can and does do for our country. So, like I said, Good Luck, Obama!

It's all worth it.

A family wedding. We've had seven in my family alone, not including my own- which hardly counts as a full wedding considering there were only 10 of us there. Family gatherings are exhausting. Weddings are exhausting. Thus, family weddings are extremely exhausting. But worth it. My sister Chrissy got married yesterday. She was the most laid-back bride I've ever met. I think this made her even more beautiful on her wedding day. And I'm super happy to have Brett as a brother-in-law. He's seems to be a keeper! These are the moments that make me smile most about Chrissy's wedding:

*My dad walking Chrissy down the aisle. He was having a good day and looked great!

*Chrissy as a bride. Beautiful inside and out.

*Sam. The 4-year old boy that Chrissy nanny's. They have a special relationship, and I was lucky enough to spend time with him during the reception. Wanna know what we were doing? He had his mom's palm pilot and was counting down on the calculator from 9000-something down to zero. Just kept pressing enter to subtract one, all the way to zero. About every 50 or so he would tell me what number he was on. He stopped at my favorite number, 26, his mom's favorite, 12, and his favorite, 9. :D

*Time with my nieces and nephews. I love them all.

*My mom, my hero, who made over 500 pasties for the reception. Isn't she amazing?

Anyway, my favorite part of family weddings? The time at my mom and dad's, after the festivities. When the mood transitions from one kind of chaos to another. To a more intimate commotion. Spending time with my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews. It's loud and crazy, and by the time I get home I crash and am exhausted for a good 72 hours. Even still, it's all worth it. My crazy dysfunctional loving family- it's all worth it.

An important read for all...

My cousin and fellow blogger, Jen, has a son with a severe peanut allergy. Her posts have taught be a lot and may teach you something also. I encourage you to check it out:

Jen's blog- peanut allergies

The dark days- part 4 (in conclusion)

NOTE: I once again hesitated to post this after I wrote it. So make the decision whether or not it is something you want to read about.

I previously mentioned that I threatened suicide several times as a desperate plea for help. There was one time that I actually attempted to end my life for that reason only. It is extremely difficult to talk about; however, it was an was a major part of this story, and I would feel dishonest to leave it out.

We were on family vacation, and I headed home early. My excuse was that I was starting to feel anxious- which was definitely true- social anxiety was (and somewhat still is) something I suffered with. On the drive home I felt agitated. I had just spent time with people who seemed happy, who seemed to have their lives together. I felt like I didn't fit in at all. I felt my mind was messed up, and everyone around me was completely sane. I started to feel like everyone would be better off without me. I had felt this way before, but for some reason it was very strong this time. I imagine the vacation alone wasn't what led to my thoughts- it was surely something that had built up over time- I don't remember how long I had felt this way. But early on the drive home, I decided I was going to end my life. The rest of the drive consisted of thoughts building on that idea, and I became obsessed in my head. I got home late at night and took about a triple dose of my sleeping meds. I tied a rope from a beam in the garage. I made sure the rope was secure. When I began feeling like I was going to fall asleep, I hung myself. I remember blacking out. The next thing I remember was waking up on the garage floor. The rope had broke. My first emotion was pure anger. I was so angry that I was alive.

This moment became a very clear fork in the road of my mental health. I could either hide what I had done and try again. However, once the anger passed, I realized how incredibly lucky I was to be alive. I wish I could describe this feeling. I had spent years doubting God. There were moments I flat out didn't believe He existed. Well, once that anger passed, that missing faith was stronger than one could ever hope for. It was an overwhelming feeling. In fact, I couldn't even deal with it at the moment. All I could think about was the fact that I was alive and not unhappy. This led to accepting myself, seeing the good in my life, and being able to throw away that mask.

So, other than that moment, what turned my life around? A lot of things- many that actually happened before I attempted suicide. Getting better was an uphill battle. I saw many therapists. I was taught skills to cope with stress. I learned to explore my life- to figure out who I was, and who I wanted to be. I went to school for massage therapy and found something that I loved to do and that I was good at. I started to feel comfortable. Most importantly, I started to have this feeling- one that took me awhile to learn what it was. Want to guess what that feeling is?

HAPPINESS. True happiness. For those who have a history of depression, you can probably relate. For those who are experiencing depression, please, trust me, it is possible. You may not believe me- I certainly didn't when people told me years ago, but if you can trust just one thing, please trust that happiness is possible for everyone. Yes, it may take work, and you may feel like you don't have the energy to do the work. That is okay. Don't think about the work. For one day- today- just admit to yourself that you are in this dark place. Tomorrow- or the next day, if you need one more day, please tell someone that you need help. Don't think beyond that. That's the best advice I can give. Don't think about the future and what you feel are impossibilities. If you do any work at all right now, just work on NOT thinking about the future. Worry about right now. You have to admit and accept that you are not healthy. I promise you don't have to be alone on the road of recovery. I promise.

I still have ups and downs, but I feel 'normal'. I can handle life. And I like life. That's all a girl can ask for. :)

P.S. Thank you, Davin, for never giving up on me. I love you so much.

ETA: I should have added before- Thank you also to all my family and friends who have always loved me, no matter what. I love you all.

You know it's cold when...

...when the meteorologists quit using scientific terms to describe the weather!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FYI: Most of the "painfully cold temps" this week are coming from windchill- not the actual temps. I was just out shoveling- with the wind on my face it felt like minus 30!

The dark days- part 3

Right after I posted my previous entry (part 2) I wondered if it was smart for me to be sharing so much information. I debated taking it down. However, between the responses I got from it and the promise I made to myself, I kept it up and will finish my story. I will warn you, however, that like many things in life, my situation got worse before it got better.
...
I want to talk a little more about the mask I wore. I felt like I was two people. On the outside I often times appeared "normal"- I often times could perform my day-to-day activities. I sometimes had a job. I hung out with friends and family. I lived my life. However, on the inside, there was a beast, and the longer I wore my mask the more restless it became and the more agitated I became. I always tried to push this beast to the back of my head. However, it would inevitably come to a point where I was battling myself in my head. I fought this beast, and it fought back. In the end these emotions of sadness, of rage, of confusion would burst out of me, sometimes with no warning. This is when I would get out of control. I could have been telling Davin that I was feeling good every day for the an entire month and suddenly I would explode. Which brought me to hurting myself.

All but one time that I attempted suicide were pure acts of desperation- I needed help and I didn't know what to do. I believe the first time was about a year after we were married. I opened a bottle of Excedrin and began taking them. I just kept popping them in my mouth. After a while I got really scared that I might actually die that I went and told Davin what I had been doing in the bathroom. He rushed me to the nearest hospital. By the time we got there I was shaking violently from the caffeine in the pills. I was lucky enough to not have my stomach pumped. I was forced to drink charcoal which made me throw up over and over- all while my body shook. ...I didn't want to die. If I had, I don't think I would have told Davin what I had done.

Another time I went for a walk. I walked to a nearby overpass and thought about jumping. I ended up calling Davin from my cell phone- he called the police on his way over- the police showed up and pulled me away. Again, if I really wanted to die, I would not have called Davin. One might wonder why I wouldn't just take off that mask and tell Davin I felt out of control and needed help rather than resorting to suicide threats. The answer to that comes back to the beast I was battling. Part of me wanted to ask for help, but for whatever reason, that ugly beast was out to destroy me. There aren't always clear answers when it comes to depression- sometimes it makes no sense at all- that's what makes it so scary.

Being in the hospital mental health unit is a scary place to be. I was surrounded by ill patients- some that suffered from illnesses more violent than my own. People talked to themselves. People yelled at the voices in their heads. I remember thinking "I don't belong here". Which made me doubt that I was sick at all. I didn't hear voices. I didn't see things that weren't there. Therefore I must not be crazy, right? Of course I was there for a reason- for example, I was standing on the edge of an overpass. But when I was suffering from moderate to severe depression and was locked up with others who had schizophrenia or similar illnesses, I started to think maybe I was imagining my illnesses. I felt like I should just get a grip and get over it. This is another battle I had many times. I felt like I was just feeling sorry for myself, and I had better just get over it. I am telling you right now, one should never have to have that battle in their head. If you ever feel you are depressed- you have a hard time dealing with the little and big things in life, or want to die, don't second guess yourself. Ever. You deserve help just as much as the next person.

The hospital I was in also had an outpatient program called partial hospitalization. I went through it on two separate occasions, and it proved to be very useful to me. The program was 9-3, Monday through Friday. It involved many activities, including daily group therapy. The program is meant to get you back on track with your life. Patients learn skills to cope with stresses in their lives, and help them figure out exactly how they are going to handle day to day life when they finish the program. It also provided monitoring and 'tweaking' of your medications.

I originally didn't want to be on meds- who does?- but I gave in. I accepted that my depression was more than a bump in the road, that I had a chemical imbalance in my brain. Mental illness, for some reason, is often compared to diabetes. Basically, you do not choose to have diabetes, just as you do not choose to have depression. So I went on medication. It took a lot of tweaking. a couple years worth. But the correct medication and dosage was eventually found for me, and I take it to this day. I still see my psychiatrist every few months for maintenance, and sometimes, tweaking. I have accepted I will always be on medication. Why? Because today I am happy. Today I am stable. I live what I consider 'normal'- I have felt 'normal' for several years now. Why on earth would I mess with that? I want to be a healthy mom for my children. I want to be a healthy wife and friend. I have an illness, but with medication and the skills that I have learned it is no longer part of my life. If I go off meds, that beast will come forward again, and there is no way I am letting that happen!

...I have at least one more post coming. Once I re-straighten my thoughts.

The dark days- part 2

NOTE: I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO SKIP THIS POST IF THE PREVIOUS POST (PART 1) WAS DIFFICULT. (I did not sugar coat anything)

...

The battle with my depression consumed almost four years of our marriage. Some things are vivid in my memory, while others are quite blurry. I can remember certain events but don't always recall when exactly they took place. So bear with my babbling...

I remember feeling an emotion, and feeling frustrated because I didn't know what that emotion was. I started getting worked up. My mind raced and my body shook. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. I felt like I was out of control and I didn't have a clue how to handle it. When I began experiencing this feeling of complete anxiety and rage I resorted to physically hurting myself. I would hit my head over and over against a hard surface. This became a sort of habit. It was a small release to feel the sharp pain, the skin breaking, followed my throbbing, and then numbness. (I have a permanent indentation on my forehead from this). This act usually ended with me exhausted and crying myself into a deep sleep. Of course if Davin was around, this 'release' wasn't so easy because he would obviously try stop me. This angered me, which led to me trying to push him away, yelling, hitting at him, and this exhausted me enough to fall asleep.

One night, less than a year after we were married, I had this feeling of anxiety and rage. Davin was home, but I felt determined to hurt myself, as I felt I needed to feel that pain. I don't recall the events exactly, but I this is one of the few times I cut myself. I was in a different room than Davin. I was hiding from him, but looking back I know this was a cry for help. I was out of control and I didn't know what to do. Davin came into the room and I believe I showed him what I had been doing- my 'cuts' barely broke skin- I felt the pain, but didn't want to die. This lead to a battle of him trying to get the knife away from me and me yelling that I wanted to die. Whatever happened, it was loud enough for a neighbor to call the police. When they knocked on the door, I tried to hold Davin back from answering it. He tried to drag me with him, as he didn't want me to be alone with the knife. By the time the door was opened I was hysterical. An officer physically sat on me on the couch to hold me still while they called an ambulance. This was my first of many trips to the ER. I don't believe I was admitted this time, but I did have three hospital stays in the couple years after that.

I went to counseling. Trying to pinpoint what was causing my depression, I started to blame my marriage. I shouldn't have gotten married so young. I felt tied down and suffocated. The truth is that Davin encouraged me to do whatever I wanted to do in life. For some reason I just wanted to be un-married. I thought that's what the problem was. And, wouldn't you believe, my counselor at the time agreed. She actually encouraged me to think about leaving Davin. Which I eventually entertained as an option. I one time 'moved out'. I think I lasted a weekend. Another time I decided to move to Arizona for a winter. I made it to Oklahoma before turning around.

...In a way, this is easy to talk about because I have accepted that this was my life, and I have been in a good, stable place for many years now. However, it is never easy to look at how bad I made life for Davin. When I fought him, he sat there and let me. When I blamed him for how I felt, he took the blame. When I wanted out, he gave me money and helped me pack. He just wanted me to be happy and was willing to do anything to make that happen as long as it meant me staying alive. I don't think most men- especially newly married ones, would have put up with what I put him through. I wish I could leave the parts about me hurting him out of this, but it was very real. And he never left my side. Not once. Not a day goes by that I forget that.

The dark days- Part 1

When I started blogging I promised myself I would share my past struggles with depression and anxiety. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not trying to entertain. So why am I sharing? Because mental illness is real. Although it was the hardest thing we (Davin and I) had to deal with, I was able to overcome it. There were times I didn't feel like I was going to be able to, but I did- with Davin by my side. And if this post helps one person it will have been worth my time.

As with any post, I cannot guarantee it will always make sense. It may come across as more rambly than most.

-deep breath- Here goes:

The first bout of depression I had was when I was in the 7th grade. I didn't know at the time that was what it was. I don't recall how or what started it. All I know is I hated everything. I was angry at the world and everyone in it. I literally cut my friends from my life. I ignored them, would not acknowledge them. I remember lying in bed every night wishing I was dead. I remember wishing I could get my hands on a gun. It was a passing thought- one that passed over and over in my mind. I cried myself to sleep, hoping that I wouldn't wake up. I didn't know it at the time, but my friends and parents worried about me. As with how it started, I don't know what ended this "phase". That's what it became known as- a phase. I somehow eased back into normal life. I even had close to happy times. However, looking back, that depression never completely left me- it was right there, in the back of my mind, lurking about.

It started to come to the front of my mind once again my junior or senior year of high school. Not the suicidal thoughts, or the hate. Just the unhappiness. Something was nagging me, and I didn't know what. I was with Davin, and I did know that I loved him. So I couldn't understand why I was unhappy. I thought maybe I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to get married and settled down with Davin. So I pushed to get engaged. I thought getting a ring on my finger would solve things. Nope. I just needed to get married, settled into life...nope. Everyone else (all 9 people) at our wedding had a great time. They thought it was a beautiful wedding day. I had a smile on my face, but I was not happy. I should add- I didn't realize how unhappy I was- I think it scared me that I would be unhappy getting married to the man I loved, so I fooled myself into thinking I was happy. I had become really good at wearing that mask- too good. No one knew I was miserable- often times, not even myself. I thought we should have kids- starting a family would surely settle my uneasy feelings. We both thank God now that we didn't get pregnant- I really believe God knew having a child back then would make the next few years harder than they were already going to be.

...this is a bit exhausting. Remember, no sympathy. This blog is about me, and I this has been a big part of my life. There a lot more to come, so if reading it brings you down, I encourage you to not read future posts on the subject.

Candle of Hope

My ice candle may not be perfect, but I love it. It took me two attempts- the first time it froze all the way through- oops.

Anyway, I lit my candle tonight for the first time. I lit it with a prayer for Mindi's sister-in-law, and tomorrow I will light it with a prayer that God may bring us a baby this year. That was the prayer I had in mind when I decided to make the candle.

A candle a hope, a moment each day for me to reflect on life as I light it- to be thankful for my life, think of those who need prayers, and hope, just hope, that God has a baby out there for us.

No, I did not forget about my list...

56) I love love love naps.

57) I snore. So Davin tells me- he says he loves listening to me snore because it means I'm sleeping soundly. Weird, but sweet.

58) I can wake myself up from a bad dream- I just tell myself it's a dream and to wake up- it usually works!

59) I tend to stay in my pajamas for as long as I can. If I'm home all day, that sometimes means until dinner (or later). :)

60) I'm all about comfort over fashion. I would much rather wear jeans and a sweatshirt than a stylish dress.

61) And flip flops over heals any day!

62) My new favorite pastime is Wii.

63) I have two left feet, but I am determined to conquer Dance Dance Revolution!

64) So far I've only managed to get a pulled hamstring and sore feet, but I WILL PREVAIL!