When I started blogging I promised myself I would share my past struggles with depression and anxiety. I am not looking for sympathy. I am not trying to entertain. So why am I sharing? Because mental illness is real. Although it was the hardest thing we (Davin and I) had to deal with, I was able to overcome it. There were times I didn't feel like I was going to be able to, but I did- with Davin by my side. And if this post helps one person it will have been worth my time.
As with any post, I cannot guarantee it will always make sense. It may come across as more rambly than most.
-deep breath- Here goes:
The first bout of depression I had was when I was in the 7th grade. I didn't know at the time that was what it was. I don't recall how or what started it. All I know is I hated everything. I was angry at the world and everyone in it. I literally cut my friends from my life. I ignored them, would not acknowledge them. I remember lying in bed every night wishing I was dead. I remember wishing I could get my hands on a gun. It was a passing thought- one that passed over and over in my mind. I cried myself to sleep, hoping that I wouldn't wake up. I didn't know it at the time, but my friends and parents worried about me. As with how it started, I don't know what ended this "phase". That's what it became known as- a phase. I somehow eased back into normal life. I even had close to happy times. However, looking back, that depression never completely left me- it was right there, in the back of my mind, lurking about.
It started to come to the front of my mind once again my junior or senior year of high school. Not the suicidal thoughts, or the hate. Just the unhappiness. Something was nagging me, and I didn't know what. I was with Davin, and I did know that I loved him. So I couldn't understand why I was unhappy. I thought maybe I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to get married and settled down with Davin. So I pushed to get engaged. I thought getting a ring on my finger would solve things. Nope. I just needed to get married, settled into life...nope. Everyone else (all 9 people) at our wedding had a great time. They thought it was a beautiful wedding day. I had a smile on my face, but I was not happy. I should add- I didn't realize how unhappy I was- I think it scared me that I would be unhappy getting married to the man I loved, so I fooled myself into thinking I was happy. I had become really good at wearing that mask- too good. No one knew I was miserable- often times, not even myself. I thought we should have kids- starting a family would surely settle my uneasy feelings. We both thank God now that we didn't get pregnant- I really believe God knew having a child back then would make the next few years harder than they were already going to be.
...this is a bit exhausting. Remember, no sympathy. This blog is about me, and I this has been a big part of my life. There a lot more to come, so if reading it brings you down, I encourage you to not read future posts on the subject.
8 comments:
I will not post my name. You do not know me but I came across your blog. I too, struggled with depression in my teenage years. I am not certain as well what started it or what it is I was so depressed about. What gets me is the lack of knowledge to all with this illness. No one in my life could figure out what to do with me, how to help me or how to deal with me. To help control things (as I didn't have a good reaction to meds) I resorted to an eating disorder. I didn't feel so much that I was large (because I am not) as it was a control thing. I believe so many struggle with depression and their families, friends, etc. are in the same position.....I don't understand what you are depressed about, I can't talk to you, I do not know how to help you.
Thank you for being so honest about this illness and talking about it.
Don't worry, this is not at all depressing. I find it interesting, I have never had depression. I am so glad there is help for this illness!! And I am glad you were able to find what works for you!
Laura- you are very brave to be sharing your story! It can't be easy to bare your soul to the world! Thanks for sharing! It just makes you more you and that you is awesome!
Laura,
I know it's not easy going "back there" and I know you're doing so to raise awareness on mental health issues. Applause to you- nobody ever really dares to talk about it. You are strong and courageous! I hope that you will reach others who will be inspired to get help for untreated symptoms of depression or even just to realize that it's a true illness. Thanks for sticking by me during my own "dark days"- you've been a wonderful, understanding friend. Love you tons!
Hugs,
-Julz
You are brave and I love you. It was quite hard for me to read that, though. I hope you are able to help someone through your story. However, its one of those things that you might never know. There are a lot of people reading this. Good for you for sharing it...
Thank you for sharing that! I admire your courage - both in sharing your story and in dealing with the depression. We had an uncle with schizophrenia, so I know that mental illness is a reality.
What I always wonder - and I know Amy has given me a definition for this - is how you know when depression has reached a point where it is atypical and requires help (whether for you or for someone else).
A side note that comes to mind because of your "no sympathy" comment. It's interesting to me how when someone posts something or says something that sounds difficult/hard/what have you ., the initial impulse is to say, "I'm so sorry you had to go through this." Lately, whenever the impulse strikes me, I think about when I was burnt and everything that resulted from that. It was horrible. And I'm sure people are sorry it happened. I, however, cannot be sorry that it happened because it is part of me, and I would be a different person today if it had not happened. [Truth be told, I don't think I would get along with or love that person, LOL. :) So I have learned to curb that initial impulse ..
You are a strong person, Laura. I admire that. Thank you for sharing your story.
It's hard to put yourself out there, but you did it.
Laura, I am so glad you're sharing your story. I know from experience that it isn't easy.
I've written about my own bouts with mental illness (severe postpartum depression) in the past and it feels so nice to know that we're not alone in these struggles. I know many others will relate to what you write and how you felt. And, still others may see a small window unto the world of depression. I think it's so important to raise awareness. This type of thing is so close to my own heart. Way too many people out there still do not understand enough. Thank you for being so open.
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