The dark days- part 4 (in conclusion)

NOTE: I once again hesitated to post this after I wrote it. So make the decision whether or not it is something you want to read about.

I previously mentioned that I threatened suicide several times as a desperate plea for help. There was one time that I actually attempted to end my life for that reason only. It is extremely difficult to talk about; however, it was an was a major part of this story, and I would feel dishonest to leave it out.

We were on family vacation, and I headed home early. My excuse was that I was starting to feel anxious- which was definitely true- social anxiety was (and somewhat still is) something I suffered with. On the drive home I felt agitated. I had just spent time with people who seemed happy, who seemed to have their lives together. I felt like I didn't fit in at all. I felt my mind was messed up, and everyone around me was completely sane. I started to feel like everyone would be better off without me. I had felt this way before, but for some reason it was very strong this time. I imagine the vacation alone wasn't what led to my thoughts- it was surely something that had built up over time- I don't remember how long I had felt this way. But early on the drive home, I decided I was going to end my life. The rest of the drive consisted of thoughts building on that idea, and I became obsessed in my head. I got home late at night and took about a triple dose of my sleeping meds. I tied a rope from a beam in the garage. I made sure the rope was secure. When I began feeling like I was going to fall asleep, I hung myself. I remember blacking out. The next thing I remember was waking up on the garage floor. The rope had broke. My first emotion was pure anger. I was so angry that I was alive.

This moment became a very clear fork in the road of my mental health. I could either hide what I had done and try again. However, once the anger passed, I realized how incredibly lucky I was to be alive. I wish I could describe this feeling. I had spent years doubting God. There were moments I flat out didn't believe He existed. Well, once that anger passed, that missing faith was stronger than one could ever hope for. It was an overwhelming feeling. In fact, I couldn't even deal with it at the moment. All I could think about was the fact that I was alive and not unhappy. This led to accepting myself, seeing the good in my life, and being able to throw away that mask.

So, other than that moment, what turned my life around? A lot of things- many that actually happened before I attempted suicide. Getting better was an uphill battle. I saw many therapists. I was taught skills to cope with stress. I learned to explore my life- to figure out who I was, and who I wanted to be. I went to school for massage therapy and found something that I loved to do and that I was good at. I started to feel comfortable. Most importantly, I started to have this feeling- one that took me awhile to learn what it was. Want to guess what that feeling is?

HAPPINESS. True happiness. For those who have a history of depression, you can probably relate. For those who are experiencing depression, please, trust me, it is possible. You may not believe me- I certainly didn't when people told me years ago, but if you can trust just one thing, please trust that happiness is possible for everyone. Yes, it may take work, and you may feel like you don't have the energy to do the work. That is okay. Don't think about the work. For one day- today- just admit to yourself that you are in this dark place. Tomorrow- or the next day, if you need one more day, please tell someone that you need help. Don't think beyond that. That's the best advice I can give. Don't think about the future and what you feel are impossibilities. If you do any work at all right now, just work on NOT thinking about the future. Worry about right now. You have to admit and accept that you are not healthy. I promise you don't have to be alone on the road of recovery. I promise.

I still have ups and downs, but I feel 'normal'. I can handle life. And I like life. That's all a girl can ask for. :)

P.S. Thank you, Davin, for never giving up on me. I love you so much.

ETA: I should have added before- Thank you also to all my family and friends who have always loved me, no matter what. I love you all.