This Christmas is not as Davin and I had envisioned it. We thought we would be addressing and sending out Christmas cards of our baby Nik right now. I thought I'd be worn out from sleepless nights due to a baby's demands, not tired because of the sadness I feel. My heart aches every day. Not for Oliver. I am happy for him and his family. My heart aches from the emptiness in our lives, our hearts. Where is our baby? Is he or she out there somewhere? Is our birth mother expecting yet? Is she about to give birth? It is so incredibly difficult to ponder these questions, because there is no possible way to know.So this Christmas has brought on a new meaning to us. We have not felt the Christmas spirit, and we have decided that we're okay with that. The tree is still boxed up. The ornaments, the decorations, the lights are still stored away. We have a wreath on our front door, which we bought from Cole (Leanne's son), a poinsettia from my sister, Trista, a spiced cinnamon scented wallflower from Bath and Body Work's, and this ornament (above), also from my sister, Trista. Have I ever said how sweet Trista is? She is. Very sweet. Thanks for being you!
Anyway, while our home is close to void of Christmas decorations, we are trying will all our hearts to BELIEVE. To believe that God has a baby for us. To believe that we will enjoy Christmas day, regardless of the pain we feel. To believe that it will all be okay. I especially like to believe that next year will be a more joyous season for us. I want to believe that there will be a not two, but three stockings hanging along the railing. That our home will look and feel like Christmas everywhere you turn. I believe it will be happy.
Right now we are going about our lives as if it were any other month of the year. With aching but believing hearts.
10 comments:
That might be the most beautiful entry you've written yet. Made me cry. May 2009 bring you all the joy in the world. I love you guys.
Oh, Laura. I really don't know what to say. Because I've never been in your shoes. I hope soon that God gives you what you have been wishing for.
Hi Laura... thanks for the comment on my blog. I wish you and Davin a blessed holiday season and a joyful New Year.
that is beautiful.
I hope that your belief bears fruit in the new year. A baby was born to all of us one Christmas long ago. Perhaps that will help fill the emptiness, at least on Christmas day.
Believe, dear sister. Just believe!
Life unfolds as God sees fit, and although we may have the grandest plans in the world he makes the final decision as to how things actually work out for us. I hope and pray that you will get the family that you are so longing for, and may 2009 bring you much happiness.
Laura, Your honesty brings tears to my eyes. You bring a lot of fellow women's fear right to the center stage. Merry Christmas! Jennifer
It is always so hard to try to understand God's plan for us. Feel the pain (as opposed to trying to avoid it) and rejoice in your blessings. Merry Christmas!
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and warm wishes. A very Merry Christmas to all of your families!
This is such a heartfelt post. You will make it through this, I know you will, even though it's the most difficult thing you've gone through. One day God will bless you both with a beautiful baby of your own. If you believe it, it will come true. I wish you both much happiness in 2009! Merry Christmas, and know that it is okay to grieve, to feel the pain you are feeling. Only you know how best to deal with it and in time it will get better.
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