Sunshine and Hope

Like I mentioned before, we met with Stephanie and Oliver last weekend. We had lunch at a little Italian place in the cities. But nevermind the food (it was delicious!)- we got to see Stephanie and MEET Oliver! And is he a doll! I've blogged about my feelings when Stephanie initially decided to parent, and how those feelings changed once I talked to her and time passed. By the time she told us Oliver was born, we were genuinely happy for her. And now seeing her interact with him...my heart couldn't have been happier. She clearly loves him so much- he is one lucky little guy! He didn't like it one bit when I tried to feed him baby food, but I won't go into that... :D

At the risk of sounding extremely cheesy...that lunch was the ray of sunshine in what has been days of cloudy days. Truly. We have been pulling ourselves together, getting back into a normal routine. But Davin had been home from work all week- he did work from home a few days, but for the most part, we both kind of laid low. But seeing Stephanie, and seeing her as a mother...it was just sunshine. Pure light. And, more than ever, it gave me hope. I got back all the hope that I had lost since losing Kiya. It was all back. I still cried that night, for Kiya. I still miss her like crazy. But I believe that one day I will know the reason why she came into our lives. Why? Because we mourned the loss of our Nik. Then we met Oliver last Saturday. Davin and I talked about it when we left, and we agreed: Nik no longer felt like a loss. It has been said many times that Kiya is our second loss, and, technically, she is, but it doesn't feel like it. I mean, I see Oliver, and he's where he belongs. There is no sadness from us- quite the opposite. I think about Oliver, and I smile...

Stephanie, if you're reading this- thank you. Thank you for choosing us. Thank you for keeping in touch after having Oliver. You're a wonderful friend.

ETA: We went back in the book today...

Deep thinking hurts my head...

...or it may just be because when I read a book, the words blur and jump around on me. Glasses, you say? Nah, I'm sure I don't need those...

...segway into my serious thoughts...

Much of the past ten days have- for a lack of better word- sucked. When we initially lost Kiya it was much harder for Davin than for me. But toward the end of last week it hit me like a storm. I felt so much pain and eventually broke into tears that seemed would never stop. Which led to the thinking. Thoughts that weren't always straight, or even complete. More than anything, I fear for Kiya's well being. Her mom is meth addict. We had done our research. I had read articles and studies. I had talked to doctors. I even talked to someone who was once addicted to drugs- not meth, but she knows a lot about meth addiction. The positive right now, today, is that Kiya's mom is in a long term treatment center. That's good. But meth is an ugly, ugly drug, and its addiction is a serious disease. ...I should make it known right now that I do not blame Kiya's mom for her addiction. For some people, all it takes is one time using, and that's that. I do, however, worry about her decision to parent a 3 yr-old son and a newborn daughter when she leaves treatment. From what I know, she does not have a solid support system. ...I should also make this known- in all parenting cases, I believe if the mother wants to and is able to provide a healthy life for her children, then that is where the children should be.

So, what happens if Kiya's mom relapses? She has before. And one thing I have read and heard several times- part of meth recovery includes relapses. That scares me for her children. At the same time, I can't blame her for wanting her kids with her if she feels that she can in fact take care of them. I talked to her last Friday. I hadn't planned on calling her, but I just did. As the phone rang, I had no intention of actually speaking to her- I assumed she would not want to speak to me. But she did. She has Kiya with her in treatment, and says she is doing well. She said we could come see her on a Sunday during visiting hours. I told her that would be too hard for us right now, but maybe in a couple weeks. I told that we love Kiya, and we hope she calls us if she ever needs us...

That was Friday. On Sunday I read Beautiful Boy, which Leanne had said is a great book. It is. But it made me see this whole situation differently. What if Kiya's mom does change her mind? In the worst case scenario, what if she loses custody, and wants us to take her? And in "best" case scenario, what if she remains sober (I hope and pray every day that she does), but still changes her mind? In both cases, I see ourselves losing her again. If she slips, all she has to do is get clean to get her back. If she just changes her mind, all she needs a few good night's sleep, and she'll want her back. I know that sounds negative, but in everything we've been through with her, the one thing we know for sure, is that she is not reliable. I know some reading this are thinking I am just thinking the negative, but these are the realities, and they are things we have to consider.

So what will we do if Kiya's mom changes her mind? I am coming to accept that we need to let Kiya go. It is so hard, because we love her so much, and we worry about her safety. But Davin and I both know we can't be taken on a wild ride of possibly having her, only to have her taken again. I don't think we could handle losing her again. I hope to talk to her mom again- to ask her about what happens when she leaves treatment. I want to hear her plan. I want to know that Kiya is going to be okay. Then I have to walk away. I hope that will be the end- that we won't ever face the decision of having her again...how crazy does that sound? But we will just pray. Pray that Kiya has a happy and healthy life- that's all we can do.

...on a WAY lighter note, we met Stephanie and Oliver for lunch over the weekend! That will have to be another post- this one is getting dangerously long.

Adoption Blog

Don't ask me why I've been passing time by networking for adoption. You would think I would be taking a break from the whole adoption process right now...but it feels right. I miss Kiya more than I could ever express- I see her little mouth every time I close my eyes...that beautiful little baby....

-sigh-

...anyway...

I started an adoption blog. I would love for you to pass the link on to anyone and everyone you may know. Someone out there knows someone who knows a birth mother, right? You are welcome to leave comments on the blog. However, if you want your comment to be published, please leave it anonymously and sign your name- that way it won't be linked back to your blog. Thanks!

Also, if your on facebook, I started a group called Domestic Adoption- Networking and Support. Please invite ALL your friends to join! Thanks!

Once again, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. We are healing slowly but surely. :)

ETA: I have decided to not allow comments on the adoption blog. Not that we don't want to hear from people- we do!- but email will keep it more private. :)

On the first day of spring...

...this beautiful girl was born. We named her Ellen KyLee. Her birth mother, Jessica, had chosen the name Kiya Lee, and asked us if we could keep Lee in her name- KyLee was her idea for the middle name. She was born just after 11:00 p.m. ...I'll back up...

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On Wednesay, March 11, the day after this happened, Jessica called the agency. This was the birth mother we had heard from and then disappeared. She called from a treatment home- she had been there for three weeks after been arrested for meth use (she was on probation). She told the agency she still wanted us to adopt her baby, and that she was being induced on March 23rd. Yep, less than two weeks away! She called me last Friday to set up a plan for us to come meet her during visiting hours on Sunday, the day before she would be induced. Less than two hours after she called we got a call from the treatment home that Jessica had gone into labor and was going into the hospital.

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We met the baby about an hour after she was born. They put us in our own room, and she stayed with us. I was a bit reserved, but Davin fell fast in love with her. Everything was going very smoothly- the next morning we found out that Jessica was getting ready to leave the hospital, and that she was going to sign the papers as soon as possible. That was about 11:00 Saturday morning. I'll skip details, but looking back, things starting turning upside down in the next several hours. At about 7:00 in the evening we got a call from our counselor. Jessica had changed her mind. Actually, I think she was strongly influenced by someone else, but it really doesn't matter. Ellen was no longer our baby. And we never got to say goodbye to her. When we found out, she was with Jessica.

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So, it's okay to be mad at God, right? I'm not sure who else to be mad at, and I feel like I need to be mad at someone. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I think I knew something was off from the moment I met the baby. However, Davin didn't. I hate to see him is so much pain. This sucks. That's all there is too it. Where we go from here, we don't know. In time we will. But for now we'll just leave it at "this sucks". I just hope and pray that Kiya has a happy and healthy life. And I pray that, even though I'm angry at God, he will help me understand this.

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Thank you everyone for your kindness, and all your thoughts and prayers. They mean the world to us.

I love spring!

73. I LOVE spring. It's my favorite season, by far. I love the mud- it means the GREEN is not far behind. I love the weird smell- I believe that would be the mud. :D I love opening the windows for the first time of the year. I love listening to the obnoxious birds. I love going outside without a jacket. I love feeling the warm sun on my face- and getting sun-kissed cheeks for the first time of the year. I love getting into my car after it has been outside and feeling the heat. I love watching the neighbors wake from winter hibernation- adults out for walks, kids playing. I even, in an odd way, love allergies. Just because it means spring is here!

Hope you're all enjoying your spring!

Allergies Anyone?

I've always had seasonal allergies- meaning from Day 1 of spring until the snow flies. I have about a week or two somewhere in the middle where things settle down. The problem is, they get increasingly worse every year. I used to be able to pop a Sudafed and I was good to go. Then I had to switch to an over-the-counter allergy med. Then it came to prescription meds- last year it came to two presciption meds. So, I've been feeling the beast come on in the past few days, and I've putting off taking those dumb meds. I take enough pills as it is. My question: Any of you wise readers out there have an alternative treatment plan for allergies??? Something that doesn't require me to drop by Target pharmacy every month and fork over a painful co-pay for the ever-annoying pills?

Anyone? I know there are some super-smarties out there!

If you know my dad...

...you know he's forever throwing out puns that make you both laugh and roll your eyes at the same time. My brother Tim posted this forwarded email on K-Chat, and I thought I'd share it with you- it's got Joe written all over it. (Although he didn't actually write it).

Please join me in remembering a great icon in the entertainment industry. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crummy day and kneads a lift.

....this is where you laugh, roll your eyes, and say "Groan".
Happy Monday! :D

I'm here...

...I just want to look at the flower for a bit longer...

Thought of the Day Month

Walking Away

As you may know, we've been dealing with two potential adoption situations. One birth mother chose us, but now she seems to have disappeared. She has not returned emails to me, or calls to the agency. The counselor who met with her said she seemed like she was on her own program, so there is a chance she is just avoiding the paperwork and counseling and will show up when she has the baby- she is due in three weeks. I doubt that will happen, but I guess one never knows.

The other birth mother I've been emailing for about a week or so. I'm not going to go into details on her situation because they don't really matter for the purpose of this post. Basically, there seems to be a lot a "red flags", although she really thinks adoption is the best thing for her baby- she is due in June. I was supposed to call her today (she doesn't have long distance), but could not get a hold of her. This is the second time I've tried. She is extremely busy with school and kids, so it is hard to work out a good time. She has been emailing two other families- I don't know if they have had better luck. I really don't think she is avoiding the calls. All her emails indicate she wants to get a plan settled soon.

I've put so much energy into this situation in the past week, and I realized today that things just didn't feel right. After I tried calling her I laid down and started started praying. I realized I kept saying, "God, please help me understand all of this" over and over. Davin and I talked about all the unknowns of the situation, and I called our adoption counselor. After talking it through with her, the answer was clear. This situation wasn't right for us. We were going to walk away.

-DEEP BREATH- Never would I have thought I would walk away from a situation before getting all the answers we were looking for. But I gotta say, it felt like a huge weight was lifted. An enormous weight. And it felt right. I can't explain it fully, but it was an easy decision. I have no doubt that if she does go through with the adoption, her baby will be raised in a very happy and loving home.

Today Leanne asked me if all adoptions are like this. This roller coaster. This crazy insane ride of emotions. My answer: Nope. But a lot are. When we started the process the agency talked a lot about how things could go. Sometimes people are chosen right away and it goes off without a hitch. Sometimes people don't hear anything for a year, and suddenly they get a call that there is a baby for them. Sometimes it's similar to ours. A lot situations arise, but nothing has panned out. Yet. I keep telling myself, "Hey, people are looking at our profile. People are interested. That's a good thing." Some of the birth mothers we've been in contact with decide adoption isn't the right decision. Or they choose someone over us. Or they just disappear. That one I don't particularly like, but, hey, we don't get a say in that.

Davin and I, we've decided the ideal situation would be a call in the night that there's a baby at the hospital. Come and get your baby. No more drama, please. But we don't get a say in that either.

Shit!

Disclaimer: If you haven't already noticed, this post is a bit unfiltered. Read at your own risk.

I'm going off of Mindi's blog post about filtering. As you can tell by the title, I have already stopped filtering for this post. ...or I'm going to try. And for those of you that are like, -GASP-, she said "shit"!, I say, who hasn't??? And I don't mean that to be rude. Truly. But I know anyone who wishes can stop reading now, or has already chosen not to read. But, come on, you know you're curious. What could this post be about that is titled "Shit"? Right? Well, it's about what's going on in my life right now. The title is mostly for the shock factor. Tee hee.

If you haven't noticed, I haven't had any lengthy or light-hearted blogs in awhile. I haven't been down in the dumps, per say, but I haven't exactly been giddy. Well, except that one day where I went to the MOA, where I got a bit loopy (no, not from the few sips of a margarita), and rode a dinky roller coaster, and laughed, and had a great time with my sister. That was a fun, "let it go" kind of day. Aside from that, life has been a wee bit stressful. Short story long, we *kind of* are working with two birth mothers. The first one chose us, met with the agency, still chose us, and then disappeared. My reaction, "What the f***?" Then I started getting anxious. She's due on March 30th. But she was on some heavy drugs, so I wouldn't be surprised if she already had the baby. So, will we never hear from her again (probably), or does she want to skip the paperwork and counseling and will call us when she has the baby??? I bought a few pink things just in case. (We have a bunch of boy stuff from Nik, but no girl clothes). The other birth mother is due in June- also having a girl. I hopefully will be talking to her for the first time today- we've just emailed. She is (I believe) talking to two other families. So, that's not a for sure.

This adoption stuff is for the birds. For now. I'm know once I'm holding my baby, it will have been worth it.

Onto the filtering subject. I swear more than my fair share. Not all the time. Just when I'm stressed. Or tired. Or hyped up. You should have seen me play Mario Kart on Wii. Every other word coming out of my mouth was a swear word! Note to self: Do not play Mario Kart with nieces and nephews.

And since I'm not filtering, let's talk about the gorgeous diamond earrings Davin got for me a few weeks ago. My dilemma- do I keep them? I mean, they were a gift, but I've lost three diamond earrings in my life. Not three pair- just three. And these ones aren't little ones, by my standard. I don't know that I'm responsible enough to own REAL diamond earrings. I'm tempted to bring them back and upgrade my wedding band instead. Lucky me, Davin doesn't care what I decide to do! I feel bad even contemplating bringing back a gift, but, hey, I'm a girl, and a spoiled one at that! Ouch. That was a zinger to myself. Shame, Laura. ...tempted to delete...no filtering....shit!

Oh, I think that's enough for now. I'm not tired or hyped up, so this post actually turned out pretty mild. Seriously.

When Davin loses his Focus...

Ouch.

Tagged! Self Portrait

I figured it was bound to get around to me...oh well, here I am!!!

Oh, and, yes, my smile is that crooked! :)

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I tag: Julz, Megan, and Elizabeth.

Rules: Take and post 3 self portraits, NOW, no primping or editing.

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P.S. Don't forget to check the picture in the post below this one- Leanne insisted on getting a picture with Louie from Bubba Gump Shrimp at MOA! Kids these days!

Laura, Louie, and Leanne

Need I say more???

Oh, okay, I will! We also rode on the roller coaster!!! And laughed. And acted stupid. And laughed some more. It was a good, fun, FUN day with my sis! (Leanne, for those who don't know- but of course you do!!!)

Oh, and while I was doing this, Davin was driving in St. Cloud and accidentally let another car smash into his car- EEK!!! He's doing good- no injuries other than whiplash. However, because of his lung embolism and being on blood thinners, I am a bit worried. He's gone to bed, but I intend on waking him every few hours...just to be safe... oh, and his car, it didn't come out so well. Smashed good, I hear. Thank God he was okay!

...I love Davin. ...just wanted to tell you all! :)

My happy heart

So, the Tupperware fundraiser was tonight. The turnout was great! I'll be honest- this has been a rough week for me. There has been adoption stuff going on- two birth mothers, a million unanswered questions- I won't go there right now. I had a slight (maybe a bit more than) panic attack this morning. Davin was in a meeting so I called my mom and she talked to me until my breathing regulated and I could drift to sleep. I felt a bit on edge driving out to the party, but once people started arriving all anxiety was gone. It was so great to see people come and support Gregory and his family. It was SO great to see people I haven't seen in years. By the time I left, my heart was singing. ...that's a cheesy phrase. But, truly, my heart was so happy. It was so wonderful to witness the good and kindness of people. It was amazing to me. So tonight I will go to sleep not thinking about the stress of adoption, but about Gregory, and how lucky he is to not only have a wonderful, loving family to take care of him, but also an entire community rooting for him. Yep, my heart is happy.

Again, THANK YOU to Greta and Angie!!!

Tupperware Fundraiser TONIGHT

Come one, come all!!! I mean, there's gotta be some locals that read my blog, right? If you already bought your Thatsa Bowl, and your cupboards are fully stocked with Tupperware storage, come anyway! There will be goodies- who can pass that up??? Many people have asked about donating to Gregory's Benefit account at First National Bank. Well, there will be a collection just for that at the party! So, come socialize, show your support, and enjoy a brownie! Look forward to seeing you! :)

Open House at Dassel City Hall
6:30-8:30 p.m.

Tupperware Fundraiser

There will be a Tupperware open house party for Gregory's Benefit this Thursday, March 5, from 6:30 to 8:30 in the evening at the Dassel city hall. 40% of all sales will be deposited into Greogory's Benefit account. In addition, the demonstrator, Angie, will be donating 25% of ALL her March sales to the benefit. If you cannot make it, but would like to order something you can visit Angie's Tupperware website. Also, if you don't wish to buy anything, but would like to donate, there will be a collection taken at the party. Everyone is invited- bring a friend!

A HUGE thanks to Greta P. for hosting the sale, and a HUGE thanks to Angie for donating a portion of her March sales to Gregory's Benefit. It is people like these who make the world a better place!

Have a great week, everyone! :)