Deep thinking hurts my head...

...or it may just be because when I read a book, the words blur and jump around on me. Glasses, you say? Nah, I'm sure I don't need those...

...segway into my serious thoughts...

Much of the past ten days have- for a lack of better word- sucked. When we initially lost Kiya it was much harder for Davin than for me. But toward the end of last week it hit me like a storm. I felt so much pain and eventually broke into tears that seemed would never stop. Which led to the thinking. Thoughts that weren't always straight, or even complete. More than anything, I fear for Kiya's well being. Her mom is meth addict. We had done our research. I had read articles and studies. I had talked to doctors. I even talked to someone who was once addicted to drugs- not meth, but she knows a lot about meth addiction. The positive right now, today, is that Kiya's mom is in a long term treatment center. That's good. But meth is an ugly, ugly drug, and its addiction is a serious disease. ...I should make it known right now that I do not blame Kiya's mom for her addiction. For some people, all it takes is one time using, and that's that. I do, however, worry about her decision to parent a 3 yr-old son and a newborn daughter when she leaves treatment. From what I know, she does not have a solid support system. ...I should also make this known- in all parenting cases, I believe if the mother wants to and is able to provide a healthy life for her children, then that is where the children should be.

So, what happens if Kiya's mom relapses? She has before. And one thing I have read and heard several times- part of meth recovery includes relapses. That scares me for her children. At the same time, I can't blame her for wanting her kids with her if she feels that she can in fact take care of them. I talked to her last Friday. I hadn't planned on calling her, but I just did. As the phone rang, I had no intention of actually speaking to her- I assumed she would not want to speak to me. But she did. She has Kiya with her in treatment, and says she is doing well. She said we could come see her on a Sunday during visiting hours. I told her that would be too hard for us right now, but maybe in a couple weeks. I told that we love Kiya, and we hope she calls us if she ever needs us...

That was Friday. On Sunday I read Beautiful Boy, which Leanne had said is a great book. It is. But it made me see this whole situation differently. What if Kiya's mom does change her mind? In the worst case scenario, what if she loses custody, and wants us to take her? And in "best" case scenario, what if she remains sober (I hope and pray every day that she does), but still changes her mind? In both cases, I see ourselves losing her again. If she slips, all she has to do is get clean to get her back. If she just changes her mind, all she needs a few good night's sleep, and she'll want her back. I know that sounds negative, but in everything we've been through with her, the one thing we know for sure, is that she is not reliable. I know some reading this are thinking I am just thinking the negative, but these are the realities, and they are things we have to consider.

So what will we do if Kiya's mom changes her mind? I am coming to accept that we need to let Kiya go. It is so hard, because we love her so much, and we worry about her safety. But Davin and I both know we can't be taken on a wild ride of possibly having her, only to have her taken again. I don't think we could handle losing her again. I hope to talk to her mom again- to ask her about what happens when she leaves treatment. I want to hear her plan. I want to know that Kiya is going to be okay. Then I have to walk away. I hope that will be the end- that we won't ever face the decision of having her again...how crazy does that sound? But we will just pray. Pray that Kiya has a happy and healthy life- that's all we can do.

...on a WAY lighter note, we met Stephanie and Oliver for lunch over the weekend! That will have to be another post- this one is getting dangerously long.