Merry belated Christmas!

So Thankful

I year ago today I was dreading the the holiday season. No matter how hard I tried (and I DID try) I could not get into the spirit of the season. It had been over six months since Kiya was born, and in that time we had heard nothing from any other potential birthmothers. I was weary of the adoption process, and cried at the thought of spending yet another Christmas without a baby. I come from a large family. Davin comes from a large famly. So holidays mean a lot of people, a lot of children. I adore all my nieces and nephews and enjoyed seeing them, but at the end of the day there was an enormous hole in my heart. By this point I was unsure adoption was going to work out for us. I thought maybe we would be the couple who doesn't have children and becomes the adopted grandparents to our nieces and nephews. I didn't want that. I cried for a child we could call our own.

A year ago today I had no idea that Dominic already existed. I dreamed of the year we would celebrate the holidays with a baby, but that is not something you can fully imagine if you've never been there. I sit here tonight and cannot believe my little baby is in the other room with his dad, talking and playing. I cannot believe tomorrow I will walk into my parents house, baby in tow. Santa will bring gifts to my child. It is all very overwhelming. I am not a mushy person, but my heart is bursting tonight. This is the holiday season I've been dreaming of. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for family- Davin's family, my family, our little family down in Arizona. I am thankful for Tia. She gave us the greatest gift, and I will treasure this Christmas season with all my heart.

Take time tomorrow to remind yourself what you are thankful for. :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving ABC's

Here are my Thanksgiving ABC's:

A) Adoption. The single best thing that happened for us.

B) my Bed. Love, love, love it!

C) Cok***, my hometown, where my dear mom and dad live.

D) Dominic, my favorite person in the world.

E) Ellen. (DeGeneres and Torm****). One brings laughter into my life, and one is a treasure of grandma.

F) Faith, Family, and Friendship. All near and dear to me.

G) Google. Makes my life that much easier. :D

H) Hugs. Even though I'm not a hugger. A hug from Davin can make all my fears fade, if even for a moment.

I) Idiots who make me look smart.

J) Jumperoo- it makes my baby so happy! :)

K) Ka****'s and Koi*****'s. Love my families.

L) Laura. I am thankful for me. (It took years of therapy to learn this one!)

M) Music. R&B, rap, alternative, pop, rock, Indie, reggae, relaxation intrumental...just not country or heavy metal.

N) Neices and nephews. I am blessed with many.

O) Olive Garden. Mmmm, that sounds good right now...

P) Patience, which I am still learning...

Q) Quilts??? They are cozy!

R) Running. Or my case, jogging-at-a-walking-pace.

S) SUNSHINE.

T) Tia. Need I say more?

U) Understanding.

V) Vegas. Or any warm vacation. Although, I'm sure you have to go the equator to find warmth right now.

W) Windows- both literal and figurative.

X) eXcitment. ???

Y) Yesterdays for their memories.

Z) Zoos. Especially the monkeys.

May your Thanksgiving be blessed!

National Adoption Month

It's National Adoption Month. Obviously adoption is very near and dear to my heart, so I have been brainstorming all month about what exactly I want to talk about when it comes to adoption. There so many aspects of adoption and so many subjects I could choose. But the one that came back to me over and over was "Birthmoms". Birth families, really. For people who are not educated, or have not been exposed to adoption, there are major assumptions when it comes to birthmoms. She is a drug addict, she is homeless, she is a teenager, she is mentally ill, she is irresponsible and sleeps around, and has no compassion, much less love, for her baby. In some cases, these are true. But not in all. Not even close to all.

Along our adoption journey we were in contact with six woman who were considering adoption for their unborn child. Of those six, one was in drug rehab. The first one, M, had already placed her first child for adoption. She is my age and has a successul career as a manager at the company she works for. The reason she chose adoption was because she felt strongly about her child having two parents. We met with her and the birth father for dinner. This was our first time meeting with potential birth parents, and we didn't know what to expect. If you saw us half way through our meal you would have thought we just friends meeting up for dinner. They did have a long list of questions for us, and we answered all honestly. The meal ended with a hug (I am so not a hugger). They met with two other families. One they eliminated immediately. But we had to wait two LONG weeks while they chose between us and one other family. In the end they chose the other family.

The second expectant mother we met was only a year or two younger than myself. She had a drug problem earlier on, but had been out of treatment for several months. We met her and her boyfriend and fell in love with them. She also asked many questions- very indepth questions that made us think. It was very important to her that she chose a family who shared common opinions as herself. She did choose us. However, about a month before her baby was born, she and her boyfriend decided they couldn't go through with it. When she found out she was pregnant she kind of panicked and adoption seemed like the right thing to do. But when they were able to get over the shock of it, they had a harder and harder time accepting that they would not raise their child. I have stayed in touch with her and she and her son are doing great. She is going to school for graphic art design, and has a very successful career right now as a sushi chef.

The third expectant mother who we spoke with is also not much younger than myself. She already had four children and felt she could not afford to raise another. We only had contact via email and one phone call. Even though she said she would like us to adopt her baby, she said she was only 50% sure she would be able to go through with it. We said the risk was too high, especially because we had already had one failed placement. In the end she decided to parent. I am in touch with her on facebook now and she is doing well. She is going to school for nursing and working her butt off to make life good for her kids. She lives for her kids, and it is very apparent how much she loves them.

The fourth expectant mother who we spoke with, and who chose us, is the one who was in drug treatment. She chose us and then disappeared. She reappeared a couple months later, just a week before she was due. The reason we didn't hear from her is because she had relapsed and went into rehab. We met her at the hospital when she was in labor. We had our own room, and had the baby girl with us the first night. We still don't know exactly what happened, but the next day she decided she was going to parent. This was the hardest loss we experienced. We didn't even say goodbye to the baby. However, I am now friends with the baby's mom on facebook and she is doing great! She has been clean since before her daughter was born and is very happy with her new, healthy life.

The fifth expectant mother we were in contact with was a big mess. She was 21 (I think), and it was impossible to make a plan because she had no phone and limited internet access. I'm not going to go into details, because right about when she was due we were chosen by T. And this match was 'The One". (The messy situation is still messy for those involved)

T is two years younger than myself. She has two daughters. We flew down to meet her a couple months before Dominic was born. We met her, her sister, her youngest daughter, and our wonderful matchmaker, Michelle. I could go on and on about T, but the bottom line is she is an amazing person. Amazing has always been the word I have used to describe her and it fits. I have heard rude and/or naive comments and questions about her. First off, it is no ones business to know everything about her. But when I hear comments like, "He's living a much happier life than if he hadn't been adopted", or "He's being given a chance at life" I go crazy. If I can teach you one thing it is this: Birth mothers come from all walks of life. They choose adoption for many different reasons, and not every reason is because they are "screw-ups or would be bad parents". From the stories I've shared here, the most common thing is that when a woman decides to make an adoption plan, she is in a difficult place in life. It does not mean she is bad person and wouldn't love the child. Adoption is an act of love. Plain and simple.

What was supposed to be a closed adoption for us has remained open, and I couldn't be happier about that. T is also a facebook friend. She tags herself in photos of Dom so her friends can see them. She expresses that she does not regret her decision. She always tells us how happy she is for us. Since she chose us, she has always seen Dom as our son, not hers. But her family will always be our family as well. Her 4-year old daughter wants to teach Dom to ride horses. She rides them bareback, so I'm no so sure about that one. LOL. My favorite thing about T right now is that she has written and illustrated childrens books and the first one is being published in a few months! How cool is that?! I am very excited about it, and can't wait to go out and buy it!

Anyway, my blog is called Laura's Rambling Thoughts for a reason. If you have any questions about adoption, please feel free to ask.

ETA: Michelle (who matched us with T) is also a birth mom. She's been married for (how many years, Michelle?), and has three children at home. Her blog is her story. It is unique, heartfelt, and heartbreaking. I recommend reading the posts listed on the right-hand side of her blog, labeled "Posts of Some Signifigance".

Getting to Know YOU

Due to a major brain block, I am copying Julie's post in order to keep this blog rolling. ...Ha! Who am kidding, this blog is just barely truckin' along at a snail's pace. But here's a new post! Here's a few questions to get to know you better:

1) If you could add any room to your current residence, what would it be?

(To prove some originality I will not steal the rest of my questions.)

2) If you could have an afternoon with any (living) celebrity, who would it be, and what would you do?

3) Tenting in northern Minnesota, or 5-star resort on the gulf?

4) If you could decide your dreams before you fell asleep, what or who would you choose to dream about?

5) If there is one thing you would like to understand more about adoption, what would it be? Feel free to email this question or ask it on springform to protect your identity.

You know that one monkey at the zoo?

The one who just sits there on a tree branch and doesn't move? The one you try to yell at and tease to get to do something? Meet that monkey:

Oh, wait, is he gonna smile????

Wow, that took a lotta energy...

Back to where I was before you bothered me:

The poor boy was so tired yesterday. He's stuffed up and hasn't been napping well. Yet this mean mom dressed him in his monkey costume just to get a few pictures. As you can tell from his red eyes he would much rather be snoozing. I would have loved for him to be giggly, but there's always that ONE monkey at the zoo...

Sometimes my brain forgets

that I have a blog. My blog reading list is a mile long, so I spend much more time trying to catch up and never leave time to actually update my own.

Here's a rundown of my life (I hope this qualifies as a blog post):

*The big Similac recall. Oy. First I was livid that I had been feeding my baby bug-tainted formula (and, yes, it really was affecting him), then I was relieved to figure out why he had been fighting bottles for over a week. Then I went in a frenzy, trying to find a new formula for him. I know everyone who offered suggestions meant well, but we tried EVERYTHING. Well, not everything- we didn't do the ultra-expensive stuff. But five days of trying different formulas was not fun- and it clearly was messing with his little tummy. We've gone back to Similac- buying the concentrate and ready-to-eat, anything we can get our hands on- the shelves are pretty bare. And now our baby's tummy is nice and soft and he eats his bottles with no complaints. Now if only I can get Davin to quit calling him Beetle Juice...

*Root canals. Had one a few weeks ago- that hurt like a b^#&*! I was in pain for almost a week. Now the tooth next to it needs one- YAY. I was going to put it off until next year, but this past week it's been hurting almost as bad as the first one was. My teeth suck. And what's with dentist's asking questions while they are digging around in your mouth??? I mean, I can answer 'uh huh', or 'uh uh', but I cannot answer "What are you doing to manage the pain?", or "How does the adoption finalization happen?" I mean, really dude, I can't believe all ten of your fingers are in tact.

*ADOPTION FINALIZATION!!!! We have a court date! This Thursday we go to court to finalize Dominic's adoption. Really, I should be more fired up. (Although it appears that I am super thrilled with the capitalizing and exclamation points). Don't get me wrong, it will be nice for it all to be final- we'll get a new birth certificate with his last name (we don't have his original- it's in the courts), and we'll get him a ssn. But really, I feel like the adoption took place in Arizona. That's where Tia handed him to us. This court date is just a formality, in my eyes.

*Adoption scammers. I might have to dedicate a post to this one. It's all about girls/women saying they are pregnant and prey on hopeful adoptive families. It's insane, and if I start talking about it right now I won't be done with this post until next month, so I'll save it. I will say we were in contact with one of the 'well-known' scammers last winter. She 'chose' us, then disappeared when we started talking about flying out to Maryland to meet her.

*Weekends. October is crazy busy. Davin is going on my brother's trip this weekend- they are going biking somewhere on the north shore. Then Davin's going to the goob with Dom and Steve on the 15th. The weekend after that (MEA weekend) I'm flying to Wyoming with two other girls to go see Krista and fam! I am so fired up for a girl's trip! I'm nervous to be away from Dom for four days, but I know I'll enjoy myself!

*Screaming. Not crying, but straight-from-the-vocal-chords screaming. Dom learned how to do that doing this formula fiasco. I'm sure it started because he was in pain, but now he screams if you don't feed RIGHT NOW, or if you try burp him (that is really annoying), or if, heaven forbid!, you walk into the other room when he wants your attention. Crying I can handle, but this screaming....oh, I'm so happy I have a vacation planned!

*School. I'm thinking about starting classes in January. I want to get into social work and find a spot in the adoption world or the mental health field. I'll let you know when I know more.

I think that's all. Davin's busy at work, which isn't allowing me to go back to work, but I'm okay with that. As long as they can find people to take the shifts I was going to do, I'm totally okay with it. I don't love being a stay-at-home mom full time, but Davin works from home a couple days a week, so I can sneak out for short periods when Dom is sleeping. That works for me.

Wow, that was probably an incredibly boring post. You must really love me if you read it all the way through. ;)

Oh, and here's my babe:

My story on another blog...

There are many, many people who adopt. Each of these people adopt for different reasons, adopt in different ways, and every single adoption is different. Some people choose to keep their story private, which I completely respect. However, those of you who know me or have followed my blog, know my life is an open book. Davin and I had many discussions about how much of our adoption we would share. There are parts that not even my family know. There are parts I choose to share with just a few. But for the most part, I am willing to share it all. Why? Because it's who I am. It's who my family is now. Dominic became part of our family in a very special way, and I like to share our journey and how we got to bring him home. It's a LONG story, so it is in pieces, but the first post is up on our adoption blog. If you want, you are free to follow along:
Our Adoption Story: Part I

July 2010

Tomorrow is August (...right? My mommy brain is on) and there is a lot to be said to sum up July.

*I had a whole long post written, but it was about as fun to read as the obituary section of the newspaper. I'll try sum up instead of giving you a detailed novel...

July was....tough. But still good. I'm still adjusting to mommyhood. I think I'm liking more each day. Or at least I love Dom more each day. He's full of tricks- rolling from his stomach to his back, talking like crazy, smiling, following us when we are talking and walking around him. He's a smart boy. And I LOVE him to death. This week marked the 6-week mark. I hear it's all a piece of cake from here. Ha.

We just got back from spending a week in the U.P. Dom has met a ton of family and friends in his short life so far. I am not the only one who loves him. Watching and listening to Davin's mom sing to him was enough to make my heart sing (since I can't carry a tune, I count on my heart). I loved watching Davin's dad with him- holding him like an airplane (which completely calms him down), rocking him, talking to him. I loved watching my nieces and nephews in Michigan meet him. Like I said- he is very loved.

We almost came home from the goob early (long story), but I'm glad we could stay until today. Camping with my family is i.n.s.a.n.e. I was pretty glad we had a warm bed to go back to after the day. But as much as my family is crazy, I love spending time with them. I truly feel blessed to have each and every one of my nieces and nephews in my life. We were only together for a short time, but I don't think there was a wasted moment. Between The Lake days, playing sand volleyball, wiffle ball, tossing a football (yeah, I have a mean spiral), eating, and eating some more, it went by fast. We did get out to Sedar Bay for some sauna and swimming- the water was AWESOME.

Oops, turning into another novel here. In summary... (bring back high school comp classes?), July has been a busy month, with a lot of running around. It's been fun, but now that Dom is six weeks old we're going to try settle into life here. No more road trips for a while. Time to find a routine and lower stress levels so I can enjoy my little dude, who is growing VERY fast before our eyes. Here's to a relaxing August!

Dom's first time in Lake Superior! :)

It's not all daisies

Or roses, if you prefer.

I have had this post brewing in my head since Dominic was born. I could never put it into words because my thoughts and feelings were steadily changing- it was a circus in my head- jumping, spinning, tossing of emotions. I *almost* wrote this post when I was most overwhelmed, but I didn't want to come off sounding ungrateful for this gift I have been given.

Oh, I'm talking about motherhood, by the way.

When you're waiting for your child, you hear wonderful stories from other moms- how a child changes your world for the better; life becomes so fulfilling; children make everything in life feel wonderful. What they decline to tell you is how exhausting it is to be a mother of a newborn. Yes, they tell you it's tiring, but never did I get the details of this exhaustion- just that I would lack sleep. Which, I should add, never fazed me because I am an insomniac. In fact, I thought being an insomniac would be an advantage as a new mom. I mean, heck, I'm up anyway- how hard can it be to feed and change a baby when I'm already up? Impossible, actually. Turns out I cannot sleep without my medication, and I cannot wake up with it. ...that's a whole other post...

And, truly, how do you entertain a newborn all.day.long? He's awake more and more each day, and more and more curious to see the world around him. But if he's in one spot too long- say more than five minutes, he gets bored and cries. It's musical baby gear- swing to the mobile, to the bouncer, to the other mobile....mostly, he wants to be held. A luxury he got from his daddy for the first three weeks of his life. And now that Daddy is back at work during the day, this mommy has to either pick up the slack or deal with a fussy babe.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my baby. I LOVE to hold him. Life IS better because of him. I DO feel more fulfilled. But I'm so damned tired. My heart hurts when he is upset and I can't seem to figure out what to do to make him content. My heart aches when he's awake and I can't keep my eyes open for him. My heart breaks when his daddy comes home and I have to hand him over and go lock myself in the bedroom for a good cry.

Everyone says- six weeks. At six weeks it gets easier. We're almost to four, and I *think* it's getting better. I don't want to wish away this stage, because he is so perfect to hold against my chest- he pulls up his legs and buries his face into my chest- straight into my chest so that he has to work harder to breath. It's loud, ridiculous- I mean, dude, just turn your head slightly- but it always makes me happy. He's so cozy to hold. So huggable, so kissable. And he gave his first smile to Grandma Ko----- on July 3rd, and has since given many of grins and coos to Davin and I. When I hold him against my chest he picks up his head to look at me. He's perfect. He truly is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Yet I'm overwhelmed. I know this is normal. I'm just putting it out there for new mommys-to-be: it's pretty dang awesome, but it's not all daisies. Not by a long shot.

Blogging is so easy

When you can just post pics of your baby. Heehee.

*I'll get to my mommyhood post when this little dude allows me to be on the computer for more than 5 minutes at a time. :)

Something is a-brewin'...

A blog post, that is. It is titled "It's not all daisies". Or something like that. I am a fresh mommy and I have a lot of thoughts floating around my head in regards to my new status. I am slightly afraid to share them all in fear that someone sees less of me, but I'm tired, hormonal, yet so in love- so I can take shit from anyone. Bring it, I say.

But right now I have a fussy baby who wants his mommy, so you're gonna have to wait. Suck it up, I say.

Oh, here's a pic of my babe to tide you over:

Happy *YAWN*

What a crazy week it's been! I have a whole l.o.n.g. post regarding the events and emotions regarding the adoption of our son, Dominic. But, dude, I am TIRED. How is it that I'm so tired when all he does is sleep??? And I can't believe he's only two days old. ...maybe *that's* why he's sleeping so much- haha. :P

....Um, yeah, so we're just chillin' here in AZ. I have nothing to share at this point (tired!), but I had to post something as an excuse to show off the most precious baby I have ever seen. :)

Thanks to all of you who have been so supportive. I am so overwhelmed, sometimes I don't know how much more my heart can fit. So much love for this little guy- I love it. And I love him. Obviously. Much more to come about this journey. When I wake up more. :)

Ten years and new beginnings

Tomorrow Davin and I celebrate TEN years of marriage!!! Craziness! So what are we doing to celebrate??? Starting our drive to Arizona to meet our new baby, of course! This moment in time is amazing, exciting, and overwhelming. Ten years. That's a long time. No, not all ten have been bliss. You all know about the dark days of my life. It really had nothing to do with our marriage, but it didn't make being a newlywed easy either. But I can say that we have several years of true happy marriage since then. I love Davin more today than I ever have. Ah, how sickly sappy is that? ;) But it's true. He's my best friend, and you can't ask for anything better than that in a husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now we're starting our own little family. We are so ready. Well, as ready as any new parents can be. We are anxious and excited to meet our son. We love him so much already! And we love his birth mom- I've said it before and I'll say it a million times- she is amazing. This gift she is giving us is so much more than we could ever ask for. We are forever grateful for her. She is nine months pregnant in June in Arizona, and she's carrying a lunker of baby. Needless to say, she is pretty miserable. We're all hoping this baby come a little early!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, that's all. I have to still pack today. Hope everyone is enjoying there spring/summer!!! :)

Oh happy day!

Today was nearly perfect. The weather was perfect, for sure- I think I am *slightly* sun-kissed. We got some cleaning done- including getting the fountains up and running- then grilled and chilled in the sunshine. I love Minnesota spring time! T-minus four weeks until Baby Kangas is due! :)

Life today

I feel like I need to blog because this blog is a journal of my life. Yet I don't have time to sit and think about what I want to talk about. I had an elaborate post planned called "M&M Consumption 101". True story. It would have been a long post. I had a bag of M&M's and planned all kinds of pictures to illustrate different rules to eating them. It was so long in my head that it overwhelmed to put it down in words, so I ate the M&Ms- before their photo op. So if you have a specific question about the right and wrong way to eat M&Ms, please feel free to ask. I will tell you this much: M&Ms are meant to be eaten in this order (there are a few exceptions): blue, yellow, green, orange, red, brown. That's rule numbero uno. Maybe I'll share more in later posts...

Life today:

*The cold, rainy weather is getting to me. Both physically and mentally.
*I have not fallen down the stairs since I went off my allergies meds a week ago.
*However, my allergies have made me miserable. Light-headedness sounds better that this crap.
*On a positive note, T-minus 34 days until Baby Kangas is due to come into this world!!!
*We're heading to AZ around Memorial Day and will be down for a week or two after he is born.
*There a few things I want to do before we leave.
*Go to a Twins game is high on the list.
*My life as I know will change forever next month. I am both nervous and excited.
*And Valleyfair- I'd like to go there this month.
*If the weather takes a turn for the better.

...that's all. Hope you're all enjoying this crazy May weather!

Yeah, I'm talking about you!

Well, some of you anyway. You, the ones who have the adorable little ones and post every photo of every cute little thing they do. Every time I go to catch up on blogs, or log into facebook, I am bombarded with these endless pictures of cute little babies sleeping, or making funny faces. And pictures of adorable toddlers, eating their birthday cake, or getting into trouble in the laundry basket. The pictures of babies in their cribs, and toddler playing at the playground. You know who I'm talking about. You proud mommy's who want to share your joy with the world.

I'm just here to say, WATCH OUT! Come June I am certain I will become one of you. :D

That's all. :)

Whaddya wanna know???

I'm playing celebrity. Heh. Click here and ask away!

We heart our baby's birth mom!

As a lot of you know, we flew down to Arizona this week to meet our baby's birth mother. I want to blog about it, but at the same time there are things we want to keep to ourselves, both for our privacy, and for T's privacy. What I will say is that T is AMAZING. It's the word that comes to mind over and over again when I think about our vacation. She is beautiful and she has a wonderful family. In so many ways she is different than Davin and I- or we're different than she is, but that's part of what we love. I look forward to watching our baby grow up and letting him live out the creativity he is bound to inherit from his birth mom. As we drove to the airport last night to catch our flight home we were talking about the trip, and we were saying how humbled we felt to be chosen by T. We feel so lucky and blessed to be adopting her baby. It feels so right, so meant to be. Also, had we not gone through some of the experiences we have during our adoption 'journey', I don't think we would truly be able to appreciate how lucky we are to be working with such an amazing birth mom. June cannot come soon enough- we are so excited to meet our baby!

On a side note, Phoenix in April is heaven on earth! It was gorgeous! The first time we met T we went to a restaurant at Tempe Marketplace- the place is awesome! After lunch yesterday (at a different restaurant), Davin and I had time to blow before our late flight and we hung out at the Marketplace- it's a huge, sprawling outdoor shopping center. There are water fountains, flowers, lounging sofas and chairs, fireplaces and cool lights at night. There is live music in the evening. We fell in love with the place. It was the perfect end to the amazing trip.

Going to go enjoy this beautiful Minnesota spring day. Catch you later! :)

The H Fiasco, then Light.

WARNING: Insanely Long Post! Read at your own risk!

I've been MIA in the blog world for awhile. There was some crazy stuff going on with our adoption ride, and I wasn't ready to share. But now I am. I think. Let's see.

In January I started networking online. I created a youtube video. A few weeks after I posted it, I saw someone had commented on it. It was this girl, D, from last year. The one we walked away from. I emailed her and she told me she has a friend who is due to have a baby in March and was considering adoption. This began to what I refer to now as the H Fiasco. H had one child taken from her due to neglect, and that baby is being adopted by her foster family. She was using drugs and could not care for her child. Now she was pregnant with another. She didn't want the county to get involved so she thought she would choose adoption. D (oh, she decided to parent and is happy with her decision!) became our go-between contact. I gave her information to give to H. The situation was unhealthy from the beginning- I put so much energy and effort into it and I was getting nothing in return. Still, I couldn't help but think "what if this IS our baby?", so I continued. Eventually I got in touch with H through facebook. We chatted a few times. But she would not make an adoption plan. She would not call an agency or an attorney. And we couldn't force her to. Her excuse was always that she was nervous and scared and couldn't get herself to make the call. I gave her email addresses to the agency and attorney, but she didn't email them either. So...we were halfway (well, closer to fully) preparing for a baby girl. She didn't have a specific due date- just mid to late March. Mid March came and she still had made no plan. We started to realize she was not going to make a plan before the baby was born.

Backing up to the other half of the story...

I have mentioned an online adoption group called Adoption Voices. Through this site, M found us and learned our story. She has a friend who is due in June and is planning to place her baby for adoption. M initially contacted me in February saying she passed our info onto her friend, T (don't you love the whole inital names- keep them straight!) and that she was "rooting for us". It definitely stayed in my mind (I don't know how we deserved the rooting, but we were definitely touched), but I didn't get my hopes up because we knew nothing about T, and had no reason to believe she would choose us. Yet, in mid-March (while we were stressed about Hailey have her baby anyday and not having a plan), I got a message from M, asking to call her. I did, and holy shit, T wanted us to adopt her baby! That's when things went into complete chaos. We learned a little about T, and every tiny bit of information we heard about her made us want to work with more than anything. So there was a big dilemma. A birth mother was due ANYDAY, who did not show interest in making an adoption plan, but to who (whom? whatev) I had put endless energy into, and now a new birth mother, who was very anxious to make a plan for her baby boy due in June. If I hadn't put so much into the H Fiasco (this reminds me- I need to color my hair- somehow I have grays everywhere) we would have said right then, yes, let's get in contact with T. But H was due anyday and my heart was in it. She had an appointment and was to be induced in a little over a week. T, bless her heart, said she would wait out our current situation before choosing another couple. See? What's not to love about that? But we didn't want to make her wait. After H had her appointment I sent her a message saying we needed her to make a plan by the end of the week or we couldn't work with her. She said she would. She didn't. So I got her on facebook chat and gently broke up with her. She didn't seem to mind one bit. That same night I sent an email to T.

Since then:

H had her baby last Monday, five days before she was to be induced. It was harder for me than I thought it would be. I asked T for a few days to grieve the 'loss' before working on our adoption plan. Again, bless her, she said to take the time I needed. It took one evening of crying my eyes out, a good nights sleep, and a run in the morning, and then I felt good and strong and ready to move on. I came to find out H was upset with us for backing out, but I feel that was just her cop-out for not making a plan. It was one of those situations where even if she did place with us, she is too unstable for us to trust that she wouldn't change her mind. And she wanted a very open adoption. We weren't prepared for weekly visits, and we had the feeling that if we didn't meet those expectations she would not sign the adoption papers and we would have to wait a long 60 days by law to see if she would change her mind or not. She had already robbed me so much of my energy- always online hoping I would catch her and get to talk things out- texting D constantly, wondering how she was doing. Baby girl went home from the hospital with H's mom. I don't know what her long term plan is. I gave her the name of a couple we know who are also wanting to adopt. I can only hope and pray she does what's best for her baby.

Onto the good news:

We are CHOSEN. MATCHED. PARENTS-TO-BE. Whatever you want to call it! God willing, we will be adopting T's baby boy, due in June, in Arizona. We've been in contact with T since that first email to her. Emails, facebook, texts, we're in touch. It's been amazing and refreshing. We're flying down to Arizona next week to meet her. I am SO excited. I haven't quite figured out how to put words to what I am feeling about this adoption match. It's overwhelming. Someday, I will find the words and dedicate a post to it.

But for now, I'll shut up, as this post is crazy long. Wondering what to take away from it all (if in fact you are still reading)? Adoption is crazy and heart-breaking, but I've already said that. So take this: there are amazing birth mothers out there. And we are working with one. This is what I love about adoption. Oh, and we can't wait to meet our son!

Peace out.

Oops and Duluth

I think I promised a blog a couple (few?) weeks ago. I'm here now, so quit grumbling. Here's relevant (and some pointless) bits of my life right now:

~I did not celebrate St. Urho's Day. I'm a bad Finn.
~I am SO very happy that spring is here. I love the sunshine. Love, love, love it!
~I've noticed lately that I triple words and phrases for emphasis. ^See above^
~Davin and I just got home from a weekend in Duluth.
~It's amazing how much I can relax and BREATH when we're on the north shore.
~I slept over 10 hours both nights, and took a 3-hr nap on Saturday.
~No lie. I must have needed some shut-eye.
~I literally felt a stomachache coming on as we left Duluth.
~Guess it's back to reality.
~It's Kiya's first birthday today. A year ago we met our baby Ellen. I hope she has a very happy birthday.
~Is our adoption journey almost over? *BIG SIGH*
~Or *sigh, sigh, sigh*
~Well, at least I'm well-rested and ready to take on the world this week.

Here's pics from Duluth and Gooseberry Falls:

Blog jam

Oh my goodness. I have SO many blogs to catch up on! I joined a site called Adoption Voices, and I absolutely love it. I found a place where people have been through exactly what we have, and it's been fun getting to know others going through the same journey as us. Also, since joining a month ago, I have been in contact with at least half a dozen different potential birth mothers. Some were brief, one was a scammer (yeah, I know- grrr. I even talked to her on the phone!), and one has some still has some potential! I have been reading A LOT of blogs written by birth mothers, which has given me wonderful insight to the other side of adoption. As much as I have loved and learned from Adoption Voices, I have neglected my own blog list. I have been working everyday also, so that has kept me offline also. Boo. But I'll take the time to catch up this weekend. And maybe I'll even post on my own blog. Oh wait- that's what I'm doing now. Well, maybe I'll come up with something interesting to blog about...keep our eye out for something WONDERFUL. Heh.

Lent

I've never observed Lent, but last year I said I would this year. It was a toss-up between chocolate and Diet Coke. But since I woke up today, Ash Wednesday, and cracked open a Diet Coke before thinking about Lent, I'm going with chocolate. I accidentally ate a few m&ms- I swear it was an accident! But I'm back on track. I could have thrown all the chocolate in the house, but with the chocolate exchange (Thanks again, Amy!), and Valentine's Day, and Davin being a sweet husband...well, I couldn't throw it out. So I threw it in the freezer. Where my favorite ice cream cones will also wait for 40 days. This is gonna be tough, but I THINK I CAN do it! I also thought about *giving up* swearing, but I decided that should be something I should give up anyway. I swear (pun completely intended) our child's first word will be 'Da Da', and not....not something ugly.

Now just hoping I don't sleep walk to this tonight:

Comment for an important cause

Not here.

Here. On Julie's blog. Take a minute to read what she wrote. Someone you know may be suffering and you may not even realize it. Sign your name once you've read it. That's all she's asking. Thanks in advance for taking the time.

Happy Valentine's Day

My husband loves me. And I love him. Even when he steals roses for me.

Introducing the players...

These are the girls in the chocolate/care package exchange. Please meet:

Jo: A friend of Leanne's in real life (went to school together?), virtual friend of mine. Her blog.
~~~~~
Mari: Davin's sister. Lives in the U.P. She needs chocolate badly to survive the winter. ;) Her blog.
~~~~~
Megan: My cousin. Also lives in the U.P. Married with three cute kids. Her blog.
~~~~~
Sarah: I worked with her at LBO in Albertville. Until she had a cute lil' babe and quit. I miss you, Sarah!
~~~~~
Stacey: Married to Davin's brother. Also a yooper. :)
~~~~~
Jenny (ethiopifinn): She knows my older sisters in real life- we've connected in this wonderful virtual world. Her blog.
~~~~~
Juliana: Friends from WAY back when. Another yooper- we used to hang out in the U.P. when we were just teens. :)
~~~~~
Julie: One of my best friends in real life. Don't know what I'd do without her. (I happen to know she likes dark chocolate). :D Her blog.
~~~~~
Amy I: My big sis. Yet another yooper. She's married with four awesomely adorable kiddos.
~~~~~
Amy L: A friend in real life. Seriously, everyone from the U.P. joined this exchange- I think they are in dire need of chocolate! :)
~~~~~
Nadine: I went to school with her. We didn't really hang out then (did we?), but have gotten in touch through facebook- I LOVE the internet!
~~~~~
Elizabeth: My west coast photography/reiki friend! Met her in virtual world, then got to meet her in real life a few months back. Her blog.
~~~~~
Chrissy: My lil sis. Just had a baby girl last month- she needs chocolate, for sure. :D
~~~~~
Laura: Is this Laura N??? I'm assuming. If so, know her in real life. Fun girl! :)

Thanks everyone for participating- you'll get your emails sometime today!

Check your emails tonight...

There was a great turn-out for the chocolate exchange- thanks to everyone for playing! I will be drawing names later today, and you should get an email from me tonight with the name and address of who you have.

**If you haven't gotten me your MAILING address yet, please do! Thanks!

Last chance for Chocolate!

You have through tomorrow to join the Chocolate/Care Package exchange. Details are in the post below this one. One small tweak:

You can send other things besides chocolate, but since I initially started the exchange as a chocolate exchange, you must at least put one piece of chocolate in your care package. :)

Also, for those who have joined, but have not emailed me your mailing address, please do ASAP, so I can get everyone their names on Tuesday.

Thanks!

Who likes chocolate???

So, I found a great adoption support website called Adoption Voices. I joined five different groups, and it has been wonderful for me, being in touch with people who have been through literally the same situations that we have.

Anyway, some members just did a chocolate exchange this month. And I'm stealing the idea. Hey, it's winter, it's cold, and I think we all deserve some fun personal mail- and what better mail than chocolate, right? So here's the deal:

**This exchange is open to people I know and friends of friends. I will verify that each person is somehow linked to someone I know. Does that make sense?
**It would be a $5-$10 limit. (You pick your favorite chocolate!)
**You would have to be willing to email me your mailing address so I can pass it on to whoever 'draws' your name. (I'll draw for everyone)
**Anyone who wants in, leave a comment.
**You have through Sunday MONDAY to join- just leave a comment letting me know you're in.
**You have two weeks to get your chocolate in the mail.
**If you know others who would like to participate, send them to my blog.

I hope this works out- I think it could be really fun!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ETA: I want to be clear- you will not be posting your mailing address on my blog- you will email it to lorz.kangas @ gmail.com.

ETA: You can add something besides chocolate to the package- use your creativity, but please put at least one piece of chocolate. ;)

Now HERE'S a fun game!

Today at work I am going to be doing grunt work. Lane Bryant and Petite Sophisticate shared the back room. Now Petite's is gone and Catherine's in moving in. We are no longer sharing the space. So, basically we have to somehow fit ALL of Lane Bryant's stuff into half the space. (Lane Bryant is 4 times larger than Catherines). There will be taking down and putting up new shelving. There will be moving boxes, merchandise, and who knows what else. All of this will take place in a very cluttered area. I am not graceful. I WILL get bruises. Heck, I get bruises unloading freight each week. So, here's the game: Let's guess the amount of injuries Laura will come home with tonight! Take your best shot!

1) How many bruises?
2) How many scrapes/cuts that require a bandaid?
3) How many stubbed toes?
4) How many broken finger nails? (Yes, those are injuries!)
5) How many pulled muscles?
6) How many broken bones? (Let's all put zero for that one)

And a MEGA bonus question:

How many times will Laura swear out loud today?

And, NO, you do NOT get a prize for winning this game! Shame on you for wanting to want something for my pain!

Wishing you all a cuss-free day! :)

And today

I'm emotional. We've had to pass on two potential adoption situations because of $$$. They were both out of state. Cross the MN line and the cost sky-rockets. Maybe networking nationwide isn't such a good idea.

We have a new, beautiful niece. Love her already, and I haven't even met her.

...........
...........

I guess that's all. I'll check in again when I have some "positive energy" words to share.

Peace out.

Today

It's a gloomy weather Sunday.
But I'm not complaining because I said I wouldn't.
I think I'll just hunker down inside for the day.
The tv will be hi-jacked by Davin at 5:00 for the big game.
Secretly, I hope the Vikings lose, 'cause I can't handle the hype.
Plus, I don't want to face my face purple or any other color.
I WILL be cheering on the Vikings and really hope they win.
Have I mentioned ever that adoption is a roller coaster?
It is.
We heard from a birth mother we were in contact with last year.
She has a friend due in March.
There's a VERY small chance she may place the baby for adoption.
There are other factors that make the situation very iffy.
Prayers would be appreciated. :)
-SIGH-
I'm running again! Hamstring healed.
I love running.
Which sounds crazy, even to me.
Actually, I think I'll jump on the treadmill right now.
Maybe it will wake up Davin- it is after 11:00, after all.
Have a good Sunday, all. GO VIKINGS!

Thanks for de-lurking!

There were exactly 20 comments that were not my own, so I will be donating $50 to Doctors Without Borders. Thanks for commenting!

Now an uncomfortable question: There were two people who commented that I am not entirely certain that I know who they are. Vicky- I must know you, right? ...I hate asking that question. And Nadine- you are one of two people in my head. Which Nadine are you?

...that's was awkward. But I gotta know! :)

Laugh of the Day Week Month

We're doing business here.

Children in Haiti

We've all been reading and watching stories about all the orphans in Haiti. Did you know that half of Haiti's population is under the age of 18? And BEFORE the earthquake over 300,000 children were orphans (eta: that's about the population of the entire U.P) ? We see images and our hearts want to take a child's hand and bring take them away from what they are enduring right now. Many people asked me if we considered, since the earthquake, adopting from Haiti. Of course it came to mind. ...this is how it is in my mind: Our adoption journey is like being on a straight, speeding train. It's getting to be a LONG track, but very straight; domestic, infant. If we decided to try adopt a child from Haiti it would be like suddenly taking a sharp, 90 degree turn, going 100 miles an hour. I haven't been able to re-route my thoughts, my feelings- it's like being derailed. Yet I still think about it every time I pray for those children. So I called our adoption attorney today. We see all these stories on the news about children that ARE being brought over. As it turns out, the States department is only flying children into the United States who have already been matched with adoptive families. Even this is a long process because of the chaos and paperwork being lost. However, some families that were just beginning the process of adopting from Haiti are getting their children much sooner than anticipated, which is good. If, say we, wanted to adopt from Haiti, we're could be looking at years. When things start settling down, they will first try find family in Haiti for the children. If no family is found, then they will be placed for adoption. But the United States government has not yet set a concrete plan on bringing unmatched orphans to the United States. I tend to shy away from talking about politics. But I want governments across the world to fly over and bring those children to safe homes. So, for the first time I am going to research my local represenatives and write a letter. I've never done so before, but THIS is something I am passionate about. I hope that a program is set up, and laws are implemented so that if something like this happens again, the children will be taken care of. I know it's easy to criticize flaws in the wake of disasters. And I believe there are people- people much more powerful than myself- that are doing what they can to help. I guess I just pray that when the next disaster strikes, the children- especially those too young to care for themselves- aren't left on the broken roads, wondering what's happening to them and their loved ones.

Prayers to the children in Haiti.

ETA: There is only one adoption agency in Minnesota that has a Haiti program, but they don't currently have anyone that was matched. :(

It's how I really feel

Positive energy. Those are my words to live by this year. And I'm really glad I took the time to choose them, because today I am reminding myself over and over how important those words are. The truth is I'm having a hard "I-really-want-to-be-a-mommy" day. Please, don't offer up your kids. It's a joke we get all the time: "Hey, you can take my kids for a couple days, then decide if you want one of your own". I laugh, I know you're just joking around, but in my head I'm thinking, "I hope you know how blessed you are". For the record, I know that every person who has said that IS grateful for their children. If I didn't think you were, I'd set you straight real fast. -insert sarcmark-.

Anyway, when I'm having a day like today, I call up our adoption social worker to "check in". I call in hopes of hearing that they are busy and 10 birthmothers haven't chosen yet. Nope. Three haven't chosen. That's usually about what it is- it averages between two and five. We are slowly creeping to the 'top' of the list. We are #9 on their website, and #15 in the book. So 14 people (out of 45 right now) have been waiting longer than us. There are rare situations when a birthmother is about to give birth or has already given birth and wants to place, but doesn't want to "choose" a family. That baby would be adopted by the #1 person. We're getting there...

What I really wish is that the birthmother social workers could 'help' choose a family. Because we've worked with both social workers (each of our failed placements), and we are spoken highly of around the agency. I've heard from not only them, but also someone that was at the annual picnic. A social worker told this girl (she and her husband adopted last year) that the 'office' is secretly rooting for Davin and I because of what we've been through and because of the way we treat birthmothers. They are flabbergasted that we've become friends with our first birthmother. I'm told this over and over again by my social worker, but I find it kind of odd. I would hope everyone treats their birthmothers with love and respect, even if she does change her mind. People aren't that cold, are they? Of course I was angry at Stephanie at first, but things happen for a reason.

Okay, now I'm rambling. Going to the baby's room to say a little prayer, then I'll probably grab some chocolate and watch a brainless show on tv. Tv is usually good for my soul. I love Ellen... yep, I'm gonna watch an episode of Ellen. That will make me smile. And laugh.

That's all.

Another sunny day in MN

There is the never-ending argument friendly disagreement on where the better place is to live in the winter- the U.P. or Minnesota. What is usually boils down to is cold (MN) or snow (MI). For me, it's all about the sunshine. I would take sunshine and sub-zero temps anyday over snow everyday. Sunshine is good for the soul. So, to my yooper friends, here's what it's looked like here pretty much all winter. Enjoy your snowboarding and skiing- I'll see you in the summer! ;)

De-lurk now

I missed de-lurking week. Actually, I didn't. I missed everyone else's de-lurking week. Mine starts today. I hadn't been blogging much lately, and I think a lot of people probably quit following as a result. No biggie- I read A LOT of blogs, and mine isn't in the top 10 of most entertaining or interesting. But it's healthy for me, and I hope to pick up the pace again.

I figured there should be a giveaway involved to really pry people out of hiding. However, I, like everyone else, have Haiti on my mind, and I want to continue to support the relief efforts. My favorite way to donate to the Red Cross is by texting 90999. It's quick and easy, and $10 will show up on my next phone bill. So, in honor of you all de-lurking, I will send another text and another $10. If at least 20 people comment by next Friday at noon I will also send $50 to Doctors Without Borders. I know it's not much, but every bit counts, so comment away!

I changed my mind

I changed my word(s) for the new year. No, I don't care that we're halfway through January. :P I had chosen 'happy' and 'healthy'. Today I changed it to "positive energy". Okay, so it's more of a phrase, not a word. But still. I truly think I do carry good energy, but I also know I carry some negative energy. I think my sarcasm comes across as negative sometime, even when I don't mean for it to. And this time of year- well, I struggle in the winter. But I'm going to try. For example, today I went to the doctor because I thought (correctly, as it turns out) that I have a sinus infection. When I was getting ready to leave I started crying. I have been feeling crappy for several days now, and I haven't been able to run (or even walk) on the treadmill because of my pulled hamstring. It was cold out and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and fall asleep until I felt better. I turned onto a road a block from where we live and gasped (literally). There is a small cemetery on the corner of the block, tucked in a little forest of great big pine trees. At the moment every branch of every tree was frosted white and twinkling in the sunlight. It was beautiful. I'm no professional photograher, but I stopped the car and did my best. (I didn't really do it justice). As I drove to my appointment I thought to myself, "Laura, you live in Minnesota. No, you don't HAVE to be here, but you are. And while you're here you're just gonna have to deal with winter. And since you have to deal with it, why not embrace it?" ...well, embracing winter doesn't mean I'll go making snow angels everyday (or ever), but I will do my best to not complain when the temps dip below zero. I won't complain when there is ice on the roads and it takes me an extra 10 minutes to get to where I'm going. Nope. I'm going to keep my eyes open to catch as many frosted trees as I can. THAT I can enjoy now. I'll enjoy the green and warmth in a few months.

Anyway, Idol's on- more later. :D

Crisis

I know I have Lindt truffles around here somewhere. I bought them the other day and ate one. (Yeah, I know, will power). Then I forgot about them. (Yeah, I know, stupidity). And now I want need one and I can't find them anywhere. I've looked in all the normal places and all the strange places (one time, almost ten years ago, Davin put the milk in the cereal cupboard). But my chocolates where not in any cupboard, nor the linen closet, or under my bed. For a moment I thought maybe, just maybe I had eaten them in my sleep. Nah, that's unlikely. ...or is it? Hm....man, I can just taste them right now...no I can't. How dumb is that saying? If I could taste them I wouldn't be digging in Davin's underwear drawer looking for them. Oh, and I called Davin. In case he developed a sweet tooth in the past three days and polished them off. He swears he hasn't (craved a sweet tooth or ate the truffles). I'm going to ask him again when he gets home- I can read a lie in his face.

-sigh- I guess I'll have to wait until Target opens and I can get some more. Maybe by then I won't be wanting chocolate anymore. ...ha. That's a funny one.

Oh, and the "I will nots"

for 2010:

*I will NOT stop drinking Diet Coke.
*I will NOT give up sweets...cut back some hopefully, but never giving up my chocolate.

In case you cared to know.

OH! That's a thing for my list! Hold on, let me see what number I'm on...
...

Holy crap. I haven't worked on my list since last March!

#74) Sometimes I'll say really random things at really random times and end by saying, "in case you cared to know". Davin's correct response is always, "I did, thank you". And the other way around. We care to know everything the other has to say.