I'm ready to say goodbye

to 2009.

It was a rough one for us. It started with a promise of a new baby for us. We met the beautiful baby on the first day of spring and lost her on the second day of spring. While we are very grateful that she is doing well, we have spent months working to move past the pain of losing her and the pain of not hearing from other potential birth mothers. I've gone through emotions that I don't know how to express. But I can say this: I am ready for a new year. I am ready to face what lies ahead on this adoption journey, and I'm ready to start on my three goals for the new year:

1) Run a 5k (or two or three)
2) Find a creative outlet for myself (First attempt- painting)
3) Learn to dance- like really dance, not just jump around.

I chose two words to represent 2010 for me. The first is happy. Before I do anything, I want to ask myself, "Does this make me happy?". I was going to leave it at that, but then another word came mind, and I think it is equally as important. Healthy. "Is this healthy?" If whatever I choose to do in the next coming year is healthy and it makes me happy then I'm right on track.

I wish you all a happy and healthy new year!

Merry Christmas

A bit of our year:

Davin had a busy year at work. He gets to enjoy blowing off steam every Tuesday by playing hockey in St. Cloud.

Davin and Chrissy's husband, Brett, won the brother fishing contest on the annual brothers weekend. Mike made a lovely trophy, which is proudly displayed at Chrissy and Brett's. No, I don't care that it's not in my living room. ;)

I started working at Lane Bryant in Albertville in the spring, where I now work mostly on freight- I love my co-workers.

I started running a few months ago. I did the couch-to-5k program- finished successfully only to pull my hamstring. It is still on the mend, and I am in itching to get back on that treadmill!

We met Kiya (our Ellen Kylee) and got to spend her first several hours of life with her. We experienced her first bottle, her first burp, her first diaper change, and best of all, the first time she opened her eyes and looked around with curiousity. I wish much love to her and her family.

We took a few vacations- one to Arizona, a couple to Michigan, and our first trip to Chicago. There is nothing better than quality time with my husband. (For a few days, then I we both like a little alone time). :)

Our life consists of keeping a normal everyday life all while waiting very hard for a baby. As you know the adoption journey has been quite a roller coaster. Most days are normal and fine, but Davin and both have days where our hearts ache to hold our own child. It is especially hard during the holiday season. However, we are blessed to have family and friends- including a lot of nieces and nephews to spend the holidays with.

I have one holiday wish you can all help me with: there are people in our life who are dealing with a lot of difficult health issues. They are family to us, and I ask that when you say your prayers tonight, you say a little prayer for them. Thank you.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope yours is filled with love, warmth, and laughter.

Facebook 2009

*click to enlarge. :)

It wasn't supposed to happen like this...

I pulled my hamstring last Saturday. While running. That's what I've been doing lately- running. I didn't want to talk about it because I wasn't sure I would follow through- I tend to quit things when they get difficult. But I started the Couch-to-5k program a little over two months ago and it was going awesome. I never in a million years thought that I would be a runner. I never cared to be. But a couple friends were starting the program, and I was looking for a healthy activity to start so I joined them. I did most my runs on the treadmill, and took it pretty easy as far as speed because I was paranoid about getting injured. I did a couple weeks more than once when I didn't feel ready to move on. I was smart about it. Then I had my first full 3.1 mile run last weekend. I was doing great, I felt great, and I even felt good enough to do 3.25 miles. I don't know if it was that extra .15 miles or what, but somewhere in there I pulled my hamstring. I finally saw a chiropractor today. Turns out it's something I need to rest. I actually had to hold back tears when he told me. I do not want to stop running. I don't plan to stop. I will, however, take however long it takes for my leg to heal. I'm scared terrified that I'll fall off the train, so to speak. I have loved the runs I've gone on, and I hope that I get right back into it. ...I'll work on my attitude and come back with a more can-do 'tude soon.

Anyway, I planned to blog about my running- it is a HUGE personal accomplishment of mine. I just didn't want to start with blogging about an injury. :(

P.S. Thanks Leanne, for the surfing hammy.

Christmastime is here (still)

Further evidence:

I have also made oreo truffles and Andes mint cookies. And almond bark peanut butter preztels. And I did a cookie exchange with my sisters and mom so I have an entire freezer full of sugary sweets. I may have to host a get-together just to make use of all the goodies. I still don't have a blogging mindset back, so until later...

Christmastime is here

First piece of evidence:

ETA: Dove chocolates do NOT go as far as kisses. There are only 35 in a bag- pricey cookies, but worth the indulgence. :)

My Thanks

I've been trying to figure out my Thanksgiving post- it's been hard. I guess because life has been a bit tough lately. Of course I'm always thankful for my faith, family, and friends, and all that good stuff. However, right now, I am most thankful for the bit of strength that I do have. Thank you, God, for that strength.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. :)

Women of Faith

So I went to the Women of Faith conference this weekend with a group of wonderful, wonderful gals. Despite my anxiety of thousands of people (YIKES), there was lots of laughter and many memories made. I loved, loved, loved the music. Steven Curtis Chapman is an amazing musician, and his sons play with him which makes it all the better. I don't think I walked away from the conference a different person. I'm not a better Christian today than I was yesterday, I'm not a better human being. But I am a bit more awake. Finding a church has been overwhelming- extremely overwhelming. But I know I have the strength to find the right place for me. But not this Sunday. I'm giving myself a week to try absorb what I heard at the conference, then I'll attend another church next week. I just wanted to blog a tid-bit so I could post a couple pics, and say that if you're looking for a spiritual weekend get-away, you may just enjoy A Grand New Day. If nothing else, there is wonderful music!

Windy city in the rain

Did you know that Chicago being called the "windy city" has nothing to do with the weather? Nope. Something about the politicians being long-winded. True story. You learn things like that when you take a bus tour around the city.

Anyway, we had a wonderful time. And now I have a cold. From the wind, I'm sure. :)

Hmmm...

So Davin and I are heading to Chicago next weekend- yay! They say that when you're waiting for a baby, all you have to do is go on vacation and you will get a call. I think we've gone on half a dozen vacations since we heard that. :P Well, we did have to cancel a big one to California for Kiya, so maybe there is something to it, and this will be the one... :)

Anyhoo, we've never been to Chicago. Well, I've never been to Chicago (except driving through), and Davin has only been for business. So, what is that one thing in Chicago that we absolutely MUST do? I know there are so many things to see, and we'll only be there for two days, but I sure don't want to miss something spectacular!

Have a great weekend everyone! :)

For Julie

She is hunkering down and bound to go stir crazy. Supposedly reading blogs helps. So this one is for her.

Hmm....what to blog about. Well, I'm feeling quite a bit better. Davin and I are thinking about going to Chicago in a couple weeks. I've never been, and I figured we should probably go since we talk about possibly moving there someday.

Oh, I know! The list!

74) Davin and I always talk about moving away someday. We thought Arizona, but decided against that after we went in June and about melted. Chicago has always been talked about since Davin's work headquarters are there and he has to travel there pretty often anyway. Plus, it's a short(ish) drive home, and flights are usually pretty cheap. I don't think we will really know what we want to do until we have kids. Being around family is pretty awesome. I'm just not a MN winter gal. Not that Chicago is much better...

75) I am in the process of finding a church. But that's a whole other post.

76) Today I am fasting for a procedure tomorrow. It's 8:30 a.m. and my stomach is growling. And I have drink some crap to clear my system still. I don't suspect I will be most cheerful by the end of the day...

77) I can drink Diet Coke while I fast. That just may save my sanity.


78) I can NOT decide on a new camera. This photo was taken with one I bought then returned, and now wish I would have tried out for a bit longer. I think any camera could have gotten this shot because the lighting was great, but I just love that a sunflower is growing out of dead tree. (I doctored the colors obviously). My dad explained to the Shari's kids how a bird got seeds from the feeder and dropped one on the tree as it flew over. They were so intrigued- too cute. :)

Bring on the Funny

The Big Bang Theory starts tonight on CBS. Laughter is the best medicine, right? :D

Click here to watch Sheldon try make a friend...

Working toward Normal

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. The amount of comments to my last post surprised (and humbled) me. The sole reason for me writing my thoughts and feelings was to bring awareness to mental illness, nothing more. Ever since I first conquered mental illness several years ago, I promised myself that I would become an advocate for mental illness. I want to do more someday to help others, but today I can just share my experience and hope that helps, even just a little.

On that note, things are a little better. I'm not in bed as much. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday and we're working back to the the meds I was on before things got bad. I wish I could just pop a pill and everything would be back to normal, but it will take work on my part also. I crashed, and now it's up to me to pick myself up. I know I need the meds- I was very anti-med years ago, and have since learned and accepted that I have a chemical imbalance, and I do actually NEED the meds. My diagnosis was (is) depression (moderate to severe), anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. These are diagnoses that I will always live with. However, when things are under control, you would never know. In fact, I like to think they kind of "go away", but I am always prone to them. The reality is they are there, in my brain, but drugs and therapy keep them at bay. Either way, I've learned to be okay with it as long as I'm feeling normal. They say there is no such thing as normal. There is to me. I know when I feel normal- my normal- and that's what I strive for. That is what I am going for right now. Today. Tomorrow. Every day until I get there.

Thanks again. I hope everyone has a great weekend! :)

Mental Health Reality

Warning: bit of a Debbie-Downer post...

I haven't blogged anything significant in awhile. A couple months ago (I think- my time gauge is way off) I started having problems sleeping, as well dizziness and fainting. My psychiatrist set out a new medication regime for me. Keep in mind I have been on meds for depression and anxiety for many years, and I've been on a consistent 'maintenance' regime for a long time now. That all got thrown to the wind- you can imagine how that affected my mental state. Fast forward to now, two (or something) months later, and I am in a depressive state with regularly occuring panic attacks. I have been on several different meds at different doses since it all started. Now I just want to go back to where I was before 'The Big Med Change'. I was happy then. I was content. Now I'm a big mess. And going off my previous meds didn't stop the lightheadedness, so it was all pretty much for nothing. The good news is that I think we are gradually turning back to the tried and true. The bad news is, I am shit right now. The reason I am writing this post is to give you an insight of a truly depressed mind:

~ It is a chore to get out of bed in the morning. I would prefer to stay there all day. Crying.
~ Taking a shower seems like an impossible task. And once I get myself in the shower I sit in there forever, because getting out and getting dried off and dressed seems even more difficult.
~ I have no appetite. I eat because I have to, but sometimes I am literally gagging down food.
~ I sleep A LOT. Anyone who knows me, knows this is unusual.
~ Most the time my chest feels tight, and I have to remind myself to breath.
~ I feel like my nerves are physically shaking inside of me.
~ I go to work (trust me, it is a big deal that I make it there), but I am losing the ability to wear my mask of happiness. People have commented that I look ill.
~ I feel as if no one should choose us to raise their baby. I feel completely unequiped to be a wife, much less a mother.
~ My muscles ache. My body physically is hurting. My jaw hurts from clenching it. My legs and arms from tension. But driving to get a massage seems like too much work.
~I have avoided as many social outings as possible- I feel like I would bring everyone else down.

So why am I telling you all this? Because it is real. And because I know I am stronger than this depressive state. I know I can beat it. I haven't- yet- but I will. I just think that maybe, just maybe telling everyone tidbits of what it feels like to be depressed may help one person realize they are not alone. I am stronger than depression and anxiety. God is stronger. He will get me through this. But if you want to say a prayer, I certainly won't argue. Here's to a turn-around....

I have the best friends

I had a bad day. I felt like I was surrounded by a cloud of bad energy and I just couldn't shake it. I was ready to come home and crawl into bed. But first I opened the mail. In it was a card from one of my best friends, along with this picture taped to it. I had tears in my eyes I was laughing so hard. Thanks, friend, for making my day! :)

Seriously???

A couple days ago I came across an article stating that adoption is morally wrong. Adopting is criminal for adoptive parents because of the pain they put onto the birth mother. And it is criminal for birth mothers to "throw away" what is supposed to be theirs. I tried looking for this article yesterday and couldn't find it, but I did come across another one, which is very similar to what the other said. I am curious of your opinion of this article. Me, personally, it made me speechless. I don't even know how to reply to such opinions, honestly.

http://www.originsnsw.com/fathers/id3.html

As a side note, I was encouraged while looking for the article. When I typed in "adoption" and "wrong" or "morally wrong", I got probably 50 hits of pro-adoption to 1 anti-adoption.

ETA: I probably shouldn't have even posted this, but I find the idea so out there, that I had to share. I certainly have not one ounce of doubt that adoption is anything but good. I just wonder how a mind works to believe so strongly against adoption, you know?

I can take it

What is everyone doing on this last official weekend of summer??? I work, so that's boring, but I can still hear about the fun stuff. Camping, bbqs with lawn games, parties??? Please let me live vicariously through you! :)

Have a wonderful weekend!


*Davin playing monster golf with his brothers. :)

Cruising for Zoila

The show Flipping Out on Bravo is one of my favorites. It was off the air last year, but is back now- I had forgotten how amusing Jeff Lewis (OCD, mean, sarcastic house-flipper) can be. Maybe it takes more than one clip to appreciate it, but I thought I'd share anyway! :)

Not meant to be

I had a different adoption entry in my mind, but something else came up. I know a girl who knew a girl who is pregnant. Adoption was talked about. So I gave her our adoption profile to give to the young couple about a week ago. She finally was able to get a hold of them yesterday (I believe). At which point they had just chosen an adoptive family. Just. When the situation first came up I wasn't very hopeful because it sounded like it was just the parents that wanted them to make an adoption plan. But the more I learned, which wasn't too much, but it sounded like the birth parents were leaning toward adoption also. So what did I do? I got my hopes up. Of course. The girl is only 3 or 4 months along, so I would have never thought they would already choose a family. This is the rollercoaster of adoption. Hopes rise, hopes crash. Over and over. We cling to any little thing that could become something. Even if we try not to, it stays on our mind.

I trust and know that God has our baby, and we will adopt the child who meant to be ours. But this morning I'm crying just a little.

I've said it before and I'll say it again

Birth mother's are incredible. The pain they go through is beyond imaginable. The feelings of literally giving up your baby, and then the doubt and the worry after the baby is gone. The grief...I cannot imagine. I sometimes watch Adoption Stories on Discovery Health. I like to see how every situation is different. But every time I watch a birth mother spend her last minutes with her baby and then handing her away...I just lose it. The pain is so real. Every night I pray- I wish for you to also- for birth mothers. That God gives them the strength to make the decision that is right for them. That once they make that decision, they continue to have strength to get through what they decide. I wish abortion never happened, but I pray for those mother's also. I cannot imagine what they must be feeling to terminate a pregnancy- the fear, the pain, the sadness. To all birth mother's who chose not to raise their babies because they believe and/or know that the baby deserves a better life: Thank you, and may God always give you strength and peace in your decision.

P.S. Please do NOT make this a political post. I will delete any comment made negatively about abortion.

For my love, Davin

The Winner is....

CONGRATULATIONS Sue!!!!
Just one question, just which Sue are you? Eek, I don't know who my winner is! Just shoot me an email, okay? (lorz.kangas@gmail.com) and give me an address of where to send this bag!


I just wanted to say this giveaway was so much fun!!! About twenty (yes, 2-0) people entered, some with more than one entry! I love the prize, I love the game, and I'm already thinking about my next one! Thanks everyone for participating! :)

Reminder- GIVEAWAY

Just a reminder that this giveaway ends tomorrow night- get your entry in!!!

Hi

That's all.

Curiousity and the Cross-dresser

Because everyone (including myself) is sick of hearing about my sleep issues.

So, the other day I was at work. I saw a man walk in and thought nothing of it because husbands/boyfriends/etc. always are in our store. However, after awhile I noticed he was filling up his arms with clothes. So I walked up to him and said (all cheerfully), "So, are you here with someone or are you shopping for someone?" To which this large man, wearing guy jeans, a casual tee, and a Red Sox baseball hat said, "Just for me!" Oops. My immediate response, "Fantastic! Let me get you a fitting room started!" So I did. Piles and piles of skirts, dresses, and all else dressy. I had put him in the back-up dressing room as we don't normally allow men in our dressing rooms, so I was sure to check up on him often. Both so that he knew he wasn't neglected away from the main dressing rooms, but also because....dare I say it?...I was wanting him to show off his clothes!!! Don't gasp, you know you would be curious also! And it's not that I haven't seen cross-dressers before, but, dude, a fashion show? That would be just plain awesome. Alas, he never came out with the clothes on. However, he did leave with a long, flared denim skirt. He put two things on hold that "he LOVES and HAS to have" (as he said in a very manly, not at all flare voice). One was a red dress coat (agreed, it is gorgeous), and the other was a denim vest to go with the skirt.

So, Matt didn't give me a fashion show, as I was secretly hoping, but you can bet I tried to imagine him with a long denim skirt, with a brick red dress coat over it! :)

ETA: I cross-dress sometimes myself. You know, men's jeans and a men's t-shirt. Even boy short panties. I'm stylish that way.

Tired Grrr

Slept, oh, a couple hours last night. Don't get me wrong, I am still thankful for the 7 hours the night before, but I couldn't hope, wish, pray it would happen two nights. But of course not.

I've have insomnia for as long as I can remember. It goes in cycles of sorts. I can go many month getting 8-plus hours of sleep. Sometimes I get frustrated during those times also because even though I get that amound of sleep, I wake up a minimum of 2 times a night- usually it's three or four. This isn't healthy sleep. I'm not getting that deep sleep that allows our body to completely rest. Right now it's been about three weeks of insomnia. And what it does to the mind- MAN!- it's takes it toll. If you have insomnia, or even not, you can probably understand just how important sleep is for our mental health. And physical health. I've lost my appetite (seriously), every muscle in my body is tense, and my face is swelled up mad. I got a massage yesterday- she couldn't get beyond the surface of the rocks of muscles. And I don't mean I'm buff- just tight. Well, not tight in a good way, tight in a tense way.

-YAWN- I know this is my third post in a row about sleep. I should apologize, but this my life, thus my blog. I do have a better entry in mind, but I'm too tired to put in in words. I'm going to sleep now. Ha.

Happy *sigh*

I just slept for 7 hours straight. Seven HOURS. I was so happy when I woke up at 7:30 this morning that there was no way I could fall back to sleep. Happy, happy, happy! Take that, stupid body- the mind has conquered this battle of the war! HA!

Oh, happy *sigh*.

Grrr!

I have battles with myself often- not so much since my *crazy* days, but they come up from time to time. Sometimes Mind vs Mind, sometimes Body vs Body. The latest:

Mind VS. Body, Round 2,021.

I can't sleep lately. My body seems to think 4 hours of total sleep is adequate. Which often means cycles of 30-60 minutes sleeping, followed by at least 2 hours of full awakeness. My mind, on the other hand, knows that just isn't enough sleep, especially in crazy short cycles. The problem is my body is kind of laid-back and cocky, and thinks it's funny to win the battle. My mind...well, my mind has a really bitchy temper. It's a lose-lose. Thus the Grrr!

Giveaway- Best bag EVER

I won this bag from Punkyseed a couple months ago. It is AWESOME! I'm all about using reusable bags. The problem is they get left in my car and I forget about them until I'm checking out. But this beauty- this fits in my purse. And, for the record, I don't have a bottomless-yell-to-hear-your-echo purse; or as Davin calls them- a war bag. :P Not that I'm against war bags- I fully intend on having one when I have a baby. But for now I have my cute cross-body, flat*ish* Fossil purse. And the bag rolls up (easily, may I add- I don't have endless patience), and slides perfectly in one of the phone pockets for easy access. And the bag is STRONG. I had 3 two-liters of soda, a one-liter of water, and a few big bags of candy in it the other day and it held no problem. All the goodies were for my "me" night. Kidding. They were for the fam. Not that I wouldn't eat two big bags of tootsie rolls on my own. And, last, but probably most importantly, it's super cute!!!

So, you want one? You know you do! Leave a comment telling me which design you like best for one entry. To find your design visit http://www.envirosax.com/. You may choose from the Graphics, Kids, or Green Grocers series. (5-1 not valid for this giveaway- sorry). ***For a second entry, post a link to this post on your blog or on facebook.

Since it's summer and everyone is busy on vacation and getting ready for school, I'm giving this giveaway two weeks before I randomly draw a winner. The giveaway closes at 11:59 p.m. on Wednesday, August 26th, 2009. Good luck! :)

Oh, by the way, this bag is my every-store bag. Book stores, check. Target, check, check. Grocery store, triple check. You WILL get a ton of use out of it! :)

Thank you, Charlie

So, as some of you may know, yesterday I sent out almost 300 emails to principals and school administrators around the state. I started at about 9 a.m. and finished around 9 p.m. Other than some yoga, a shower, and eating a couple meals, that's all I did yesterday. My eyes were burning by the time I shut down my computer. And I knew it was a 'risk' sending to principals because they probably get many emails, but I figured they were the ones who could forward it on to their staff. Anyway, I went to bed exhausted and feeling a little defeated because I wasn't sure sending the emails was going to lead anywhere.

Then my phone rang about half an hour ago. It was a 218 number, so it made me go, "huh". I answered and the caller said, "Hi, Laura. This is Charlie from Greenway High School. I just got your email and felt compelled to give you call". !!! He said he definitely noticed the email because it was sent directly to him and not a secretary (and also because it was from a Kan***- there are A LOT in the Iron Range). :) We chatted for about five minutes, and he said he is sending on the email along with a note that he had personally spoke to me and would encourage anyone to be in touch with us if they hear of an adoption situation.

Oh, yeah, it was worth those 12 hours and 300 emails. Thank you, Charlie from Greenway High School. :)

On the search for...

...a vellia recipe. Yeah, yeah, I probably spelled that wrong, but you know what I'm talking about. :D But I don't really want the St. John's recipe that serves hundreds- just a single batch would be good! Thanks in advance to anyone who has the recipe! :)

House with attitude!

Before...

After!

A moment of peace

The next couple weeks may be a roller coaster for me, as I will be making some big med changes. I am feeling a bit uneasy about it all, to say the least. However, today I had a moment of complete peace. I stopped by the cementary- it has been one year since Pappa passed away. It was a beautiful day, and I sat on the grass feeling relaxed and at ease. I enjoyed sitting in silence, and even having a little chat with Pappa. I am not a writer, and cannot put into words exactly how I felt, but it was a beautiful moment, and I think that just maybe Pappa was passing his calm, laid-back personality onto me. :)

While I was there I had to take a quick picture of the American flag at Pappa's headstone, which was very appropriately mended up with duct tape. Those who know Ellen and Pappa can understand how that made me smile. :)

The Winner...

I used random.org to draw a winner- I tried to post it on here, but it didn't work. Anyway, the winner is....

Ethiopifinn!!!! I started laughing when I saw you were the winner because of your comment- lol! Hey, now you can order an...um, updated dvd! Or a good book- whichever makes you happy! :) Zip me an email so I can send you your Amazon.com gift card!

First, thank you everyone for your great suggestions! No, I did not order Jillian's 30 Day Shred- I've heard it's killer, which is awesome, but I need beginner. Same for X90- I heard the diet involved is major killer- I'll definitely keep it in mind for when I'm in great shape! ;) So what did I order? First, I ordered Carmen Electra's series- from reviews it looks like it's not much of a workout, which means for me it's a perfect beginning workout- seriously, I'm in bad shape! Then I ordered "Yoga: Just My Size With Megan Garcia". It's for plus-sized people- there were some positive reviews on Amazon.com about it. (That's one thing I love about Amazon- I love the reviews!)

And I want to say CONGRATS! to Tara on your success!!! (I couldn't put your anonymous admirer into the drawing because he or she didn't give their name!) ;)

Giveaways are FUN!!! Keep an eye out for my next one! Have a wonderful day everyone! :)

GIVEAWAY!!!

A $20 gift card (via email) to amazon.com!

The doc says I'm too stressed out. So I need to get back into yoga. I mean, real yoga, not just a few stretches that I do here and there. I also need to learn to dance. Why? Because it's exercise and exercise is a great stress-reliever for me. (And because I started watching "So You Think You Can Dance", and now my greatest dream is to be at least as good as the worst dancers auditioning. I think I should be able to get there. I'm a Finn- we've been compared to passionate Latinos when it comes to music. Ha. Even still, I want to dance, and I Think I Can!)

Please tell me what your favorite workout dvd is. Yoga, dance, or otherwise. Actually, I don't care what your favorite is if your favorite is anything beyond beginner. How about you just give me a good suggestion for a BEGINNER workout.

One entry per person. Entries must be in by 11:59 p.m. (central time), Wednesday, July 29th. I will randomly draw a winner Thursday morning.

Thanks for the dvd suggestions and GOOD LUCK!!! :)

Oh, and I chose amazon.com as a prize because it is where I buy all my 'media'- books, music, dvds- you can get them for low, low prices! :)

Laura, baker

I am half proud and half ashamed to post this picture. Proud because I baked my first pie ever today. Ashamed because I have never made a pie before in my life- yikes! Proud because I made three mini pies (two for the freezer), and one regular size one (also for the freezer). Ashamed because this one turned out pretty darned ugly. Proud because....hey, it may have turned out yummy! I don't like blueberries (GASP!), but I'll have Davin test it tonight. It's actually for his birthday tomorrow. I don't know that it would be his number one pick, but we had two gallons of blueberries from the U.P. sitting in our freezer since last season, so I figured I should start using them! Next up, blueberry pancakes and blueberry muffins. I don't love cooking...who am I kidding- I loathe the kitchen, but I know it would be a great shame to not use U.P. blueberries, right? :)

Colorful Chit-Chat

Re-cap. Or something.

I haven't moved from this comfy chair since we got back from Michigan on Monday afternoon. Lie. I have moved, but I haven't accomplished anything important, so I may as well have stayed here. I am still recovering from the vacation. And by vacation, I don't mean fun-fun-fun!- I mean Fun-YIKES-CRASH! Families are tiring. You know why? 'Cause both Davin and I come from crazy families. Yes, it's true. Joe and Sandy's family: CRAZY. Wes and Cheryl's family: CRAZY. So.many.people. This girl can't handle the chaos. Not true. I can because I did. But still, you know what I mean. And if you're thinking I didn't I have fun, you're wrong. As it turns out, you can be completely stressed out and still manage to enjoy yourself. Who woulda thunk? We were on the lake every day. I think we hit every beach in the Keewanaw. We saw lots of family- so.many.people. We ate Ambassador pizza- YUM. I ate Mackinaw Island icecream and didn't get sick. (I've since tried 60 varieties of icecream since we've been home and it seems I am cured- uh oh!) But the highlight of the trip....oh, the highlight!!!! ROFL....hold on....LOL....it's a funny story....LMAO....okay, -deep breath-. On our last night there we went to Sedar Bay to visit Grandpa and Grandma. (That's not the funny part...although they are entertainment alone). Grandpa had lit the sauna, so we had to sauna-swim, right? Well, Dan and Lynne were there also so we headed down together. The waves were big. And I mean BIG. So we had to ride them. That's the funny part. Well, not that we rode the waves, but being in the waves, and screaming, and then watching Dan and Davin try do tricks in the wave. ....okay, so you had to be there. Whatever. But you know that laugh, when you every bit of tension is released (so.many.people) and nothing is holding you back- you laugh and feel so light??? It was wonderful. It was the perfect end to a fun, chaos-but-laughter-filled weekend.

And I got pictures to boot:

And if you want to see the less-funny-just-cute pictures, click here.

Going to the Goob, Goob, Goob!

How about you, you, you???

Have a good weekend everyone!!!

Help Wanted

Let's say you walk into a sandwich shop. In the lobby is a bulletin board. Do you look at the contents posted on the board? What do you notice? There is a half-page flyer that says "DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE CONSIDERING ADOPTION?" in bold on the top. Do you read on? There are two large photos of a smiling couple. The text is pretty brief:

"Hi! We (Davin and Laura) have been married for nine years. We are happy and thankful for the life we share, but feel a void having not been blessed with children. We are hopeful that adoption may provide us the chance to start a family. We are working with Adoption Minnesota, a licensed adoption agency in Minneapolis. (www.adoption-minnesota.com)
Please learn much more about us online at:
laura-davin-adopt.blogspot.com
OR contact us by email or phone:
laura.davin.adopt@gmail.com
(***) ***-****"

Do you think, A) This couple is nuts and terribly desperate!, B) Hmm, do I know anyone???, or C) Oh look, a puppy for sale! If you thought somewhere along the lines of B, where else would you notice this flyer? Would you take one of the business cards by the flyer?

We're trying out some networking. I am heading toward the cities tomorrow with the flyers, and would love some ideas of where I could post them. If you think we're nuts, that's alright too...but you can keep you thoughts to yourself, even though I just asked for them.... :D

ETA: If you would like the pdf to our flyer to hang in your local coffee/sandwich shop, or your church, or your work break room, please feel free to email me, and I'll email it to you!

Thank you much! :)

Truly...

Hope everyone has a fun and safe Independence Day! :)

What Leanne said.

On my knees

Today has been a draining day, full of sadness and pain. I spend one moment praying with all my might, and the next cursing at God, and then back to praying. Why do bad things happen to good people??? I was going to attend a church service this evening that addressed that very issue, but when it was time to go I was in my "I'm pissed at God" moments. Yes, I admit, I am weak and get angry at God. But I will not stop praying. Ever. But this post isn't about me- it's about the people who could use your prayers also:

Please pray for Dan and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is my cousin. Her and her husband, Dan, were in a very bad car accident yesterday. Both are still unresponsive and in critical condition. They have three young children who need them.

ETA: Both Dan and Elizabeth seem to be responding some now...miracles DO happen, right?

Dan and Elizabeth's Caringbridge

Please for Emily. Emily is a woman in our adoption group. Her and her partner, Elizabeth, adopted a baby girl, Gwyn, six months ago. She is going through treatment for cancer that was in remission until recently.

Emily's Caringbridge

Please continue to pray for Gregory. Gregory, as you probably know, is our godson, who has ongoing medical issues. He just recently spent three days at the hospital receiving IV antibiotics for another infection. This is very much his life.

Gregory's Caringbridge

"Two Hands" by Jars of Clay

So, I've been trying to form a blog entry in my head for several days now, but my thoughts just keep spinning. If I had one word to describe how I feel about life right now, it would "Confused". There is a lot of pain around me that I don't understand. Anyway, I was driving home from St. Cloud tonight, and this song came on the radio. I didn't even realize that I was paying attention to the lyrics until I noticed my head felt lighter than it has in days. This song is pretty much how I'm feeling right now- about life, about faith. Going from 101.3 to 98.5 on my car radio may be turning out to be a good thing for me.

About that, I started listening to spiritual stations last week when I first was feeling a lot of sadness and grief. I was pretty cynical at first- all the talk about God didn't make me comforted at all- in fact I cried a lot because it didn't sound real to me and I was angry. But it started to become more comfortable, and tonight was the first time I was really, truly glad I had it on. It was the first time I felt like I truly benefited from it.

Anyway, this is "Two Hands", by Jars of Clay. I haven't quite made it to the final paragraph yet, as far as my life goes, but I trust I'll get there.

Hey yo

~I haven't felt up for blogging...
~but I feel like I should, so here goes:
~Davin and I got away for a short vacation to AZ. It was great to have quality time with him!
~Even though I got sick EVERY afternoon from the heat.
~For that reason, we probably won't ever move there.
~We'll just visit Leanne when she moves there.
~Any suggestions on where we should travel next to find our future home?
~Did you know that at any given time of the day you can watch Law and Order on tv?
~Seriously. It's always on.
~I'm turning it off.
~Silence. Much better.
~For those who live under a rock- or in a cave- we're waiting for a baby.
~And waiting.
~And waiting. I'm losing patience.
~Not that I ever had any.
~On the cheerful side of pregnancy- Congrats, Mindi! How exciting for you!
~And it was great to see you!
~I have not forgotten about my list of 100 things.
~That will be a more ambitious post.
~When I feel ambitious.
~I just put medicated lotion on my feet for muscle pain.
~Standing for hours in retail kills the feet.
~But now it reeks to high heaven in here for menthol.
~Disgust.
~It's too quiet- gotta turn some music on.
~Wake up now, this post is over.

~I got sick every day from the sun and heat.
~Other than that is was perfect. :)

Say Hey by Michael Franti

Doesn't this just make you wanna get up and DANCE??? ...and to the question I know you're gonna ask- this singer was adopted as an infant by a Finnish couple. :D

A walking affirmation

I realized last night that these were all a part of my outfit...

All I need is "Believe" tattooed on my arm. :D

P.S. I wear both bracelets almost every day. The silver one says, "believe in yourself", "be brave", "be kind", "be happy", and "be well". Sometimes when I'm feeling frustrated or crabby I'll look down to see what it's telling me. :)

Big sisters can be bullies

Leanne's been all over my business to post another blog entry. So here it is.

...that's all. (yeah, not a whole lot to blog about at the moment.)

My playlist

I spent some of this afternoon putting together a playlist for the first time. I was trying to distract my mind from my feelings- it worked well for awhile. Basically, all the songs are ones that I like (obviously)- some new, some older. I kept out the country songs that I like- the ones that have meaning to me. Only for the sole reason that I dislike country music in general, and I felt these songs- even with the good memories- kind of ruined the vibe of the list... I tend to like soundtracks with lesser-known artists. I could have put almost the entire soundtracks from Juno and P.S. I Love You on here, but I stuck with a couple of my favorite from each. Enjoy.

P.S. If I have to pick a favorite from this list it would be track 5: Anyone Else But You, sung by Michael Cera and Ellen Page from Juno.

ETA: You and Me by Plain White T's is my phone ring tone, so now when I have my playlist playing I grab for my phone when it comes on. For dumb.

Seriously?!

I've been a girl my entire life, but I still don't understand the point of these crazy things they call "hormones". They make a perfectly sane girl (hey, some may argue that I am indeed sane) turn all nutso!!! Grrrr- don't come too close, I might bite you! Just kidding, I love you- you're an angel. In fact, I can't imagine my life without you- -SOB-, what?! You think I'm fat?! Don't look at me like that! ---SIGH--- I love you- and you- and you...

The new Laura?

I'm working on being positive. I met a couple virtual friends in real life over the weekend. (It was awesome to meet you both, Elizabeth and Amy!). Among other things, a couple things that came up in conversation were people and their energy, and facebook. (Not necessarily together). As we talked I realized I sometimes often like to antagonize people who are generally negative. One example: I had a friend on facebook from high school. We weren't friends back then, but we got in touch through facebook. At first it was fun, but over time I got sick of her constant negativity. She is the prime example of an attention-seeker. And an energy vampire. Finally, I had enough and I started to call her out on her dramatic status updates. She would say, "I have the worst job ever- shoot me now!" I'd say, "Then quit. Find a new job". She would say, "Holy Hell! Everyone in this world SUCKS". And I'd say, "Really? Everyone? Do you really think that?" And on and on...but what kind of person does that make me? Not only was it annoying and unnecessary, but I was drawing in her bad energy. So, on Monday, I finally deleted her as a friend, along with a couple others that seem to suck my energy. It's not that I don't like these people- I actually do- but I don't need their bad energy right now. I need to stay positive to keep going in my life right now. Things have been rough, and it's best for me to surround myself with good energy, and let the bad go. And I have to say, it's already made a huge difference! Of course, I'm Miss Sarcastic, and that often comes across as negative. I'm working on that- it'll probably take awhile because I've been like that FOREVER, and besides, it's not always bad. I have to sort out what sarcasm is okay because it really is part of my personality, and what has got to go.

Final thought for now: I will never be a constant Miss Positive. I acknowledge that I will always have bad days- even if I weren't prone to depression, I would still have bad days. After all, I am human. And I may even will sometimes vent about it. But, in general, I am choosing to keep my head up with a smile on my face. How does that sound? :)

Laura...

~is thinking she should just do status updates on her blog- kind of like facebook. This way she may blog more often.
~just ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich- they always taste so yummy.
~realized about an hour ago that she had gone all day (until now) without thinking about Kiya. She almost felt guilty, but instead realized she is in fact healing.
~wishes she was going to be at Leanne's garage sale tomorrow to take pictures. Oh, that would be so blog-worthy. And super entertaining.
~instead, she is going to work.
~is going to Arizona for her wedding anniversary at the beginning of June. She is so excited to take a vacation with her husband.
~is grateful that Davin is employed, but, man, has he been working A LOT lately.
~can hear thunder and rain. Rain is good. Clearwater needs it 'cause it's too expensive to water lawns. She's thinking she'll have a brown yard in no time.
~is so sick of talking in the third person. She wonders how many of you are annoyed also?

Happy May Day!!!

It's beautiful and sunny here in central Minnesota- I hope it is wherever you are too!

Boom Boom Pow

How's this for song? I love it- even if it makes no sense to me. It makes me want to dance and do kickboxing at the same time! Here's Boom Boom Pow by Black Eyed Peas:

Gotta get-get, gotta get-get
Gotta get-get, gotta g-g-g-get-get-get, get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, gotta get-get
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom boom, now
Boom boom pow
Boom boom...

...eh nevermind, here's a link the video- the CLEAN version, of course, where shit is s***. Nice.

I try not to worry 'bout her

Davin and I had a meeting at the adoption agency yesterday to update our home study. On the drive home we talked about Kiya. It's seems like it's gotten harder for me while it's gotten easier for Davin. I told him this, and I told me about this song. He said whenever he hears it, he cries a little. It reminds him of Kiya. I don't really listen to country music, so I had never heard it- I went online to find it when I got home. It's doesn't fit in the literal sense, but it does speak true to a lot of our feelings. So I thought I'd share it. Here's the lyrics to Sissy's Song, by Alan Jackson:

...

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me
...
Link to the song on you tube

Happy Easter

Davin and I are heading up to the North Shore tomorrow for a couple nights. I am hoping a few books I ordered from Amazon arrive in the mail today- I very much look forward to the relaxation of the Lake Superior...

Wishing you and your loved ones a happy and blessed Easter weekend!

Spring IS here

Tears and Hope

Kiya is two weeks old today. I miss her. I love her. Of course, being me, I called her mom without thinking for more than two seconds about it. I found out her plan for when she graduates from treatment in two weeks. She'll live in a recovery house in St. Cloud for at least 60 days, which she said she is oddly (her words) excited about- yay! She has been getting back in touch with good friends she had before using drugs. She said there are a few that will be very good for her to be around, and they are happy to "have her back". Yay! Like, I said before, meth is an ugly drug, but if she can surround herself with a good support system, and can stay in the recovery home as long as possible...well, I have hope. I live on hope these days- but this is a stronger hope. I am choosing to believe it WILL happen for her. That she will turn her life around, and Kiya will live a happy and healthy life with her.

I cry because I miss Kiya, but I feel hope. Hope is good. :)

Sunshine and Hope

Like I mentioned before, we met with Stephanie and Oliver last weekend. We had lunch at a little Italian place in the cities. But nevermind the food (it was delicious!)- we got to see Stephanie and MEET Oliver! And is he a doll! I've blogged about my feelings when Stephanie initially decided to parent, and how those feelings changed once I talked to her and time passed. By the time she told us Oliver was born, we were genuinely happy for her. And now seeing her interact with him...my heart couldn't have been happier. She clearly loves him so much- he is one lucky little guy! He didn't like it one bit when I tried to feed him baby food, but I won't go into that... :D

At the risk of sounding extremely cheesy...that lunch was the ray of sunshine in what has been days of cloudy days. Truly. We have been pulling ourselves together, getting back into a normal routine. But Davin had been home from work all week- he did work from home a few days, but for the most part, we both kind of laid low. But seeing Stephanie, and seeing her as a mother...it was just sunshine. Pure light. And, more than ever, it gave me hope. I got back all the hope that I had lost since losing Kiya. It was all back. I still cried that night, for Kiya. I still miss her like crazy. But I believe that one day I will know the reason why she came into our lives. Why? Because we mourned the loss of our Nik. Then we met Oliver last Saturday. Davin and I talked about it when we left, and we agreed: Nik no longer felt like a loss. It has been said many times that Kiya is our second loss, and, technically, she is, but it doesn't feel like it. I mean, I see Oliver, and he's where he belongs. There is no sadness from us- quite the opposite. I think about Oliver, and I smile...

Stephanie, if you're reading this- thank you. Thank you for choosing us. Thank you for keeping in touch after having Oliver. You're a wonderful friend.

ETA: We went back in the book today...

Deep thinking hurts my head...

...or it may just be because when I read a book, the words blur and jump around on me. Glasses, you say? Nah, I'm sure I don't need those...

...segway into my serious thoughts...

Much of the past ten days have- for a lack of better word- sucked. When we initially lost Kiya it was much harder for Davin than for me. But toward the end of last week it hit me like a storm. I felt so much pain and eventually broke into tears that seemed would never stop. Which led to the thinking. Thoughts that weren't always straight, or even complete. More than anything, I fear for Kiya's well being. Her mom is meth addict. We had done our research. I had read articles and studies. I had talked to doctors. I even talked to someone who was once addicted to drugs- not meth, but she knows a lot about meth addiction. The positive right now, today, is that Kiya's mom is in a long term treatment center. That's good. But meth is an ugly, ugly drug, and its addiction is a serious disease. ...I should make it known right now that I do not blame Kiya's mom for her addiction. For some people, all it takes is one time using, and that's that. I do, however, worry about her decision to parent a 3 yr-old son and a newborn daughter when she leaves treatment. From what I know, she does not have a solid support system. ...I should also make this known- in all parenting cases, I believe if the mother wants to and is able to provide a healthy life for her children, then that is where the children should be.

So, what happens if Kiya's mom relapses? She has before. And one thing I have read and heard several times- part of meth recovery includes relapses. That scares me for her children. At the same time, I can't blame her for wanting her kids with her if she feels that she can in fact take care of them. I talked to her last Friday. I hadn't planned on calling her, but I just did. As the phone rang, I had no intention of actually speaking to her- I assumed she would not want to speak to me. But she did. She has Kiya with her in treatment, and says she is doing well. She said we could come see her on a Sunday during visiting hours. I told her that would be too hard for us right now, but maybe in a couple weeks. I told that we love Kiya, and we hope she calls us if she ever needs us...

That was Friday. On Sunday I read Beautiful Boy, which Leanne had said is a great book. It is. But it made me see this whole situation differently. What if Kiya's mom does change her mind? In the worst case scenario, what if she loses custody, and wants us to take her? And in "best" case scenario, what if she remains sober (I hope and pray every day that she does), but still changes her mind? In both cases, I see ourselves losing her again. If she slips, all she has to do is get clean to get her back. If she just changes her mind, all she needs a few good night's sleep, and she'll want her back. I know that sounds negative, but in everything we've been through with her, the one thing we know for sure, is that she is not reliable. I know some reading this are thinking I am just thinking the negative, but these are the realities, and they are things we have to consider.

So what will we do if Kiya's mom changes her mind? I am coming to accept that we need to let Kiya go. It is so hard, because we love her so much, and we worry about her safety. But Davin and I both know we can't be taken on a wild ride of possibly having her, only to have her taken again. I don't think we could handle losing her again. I hope to talk to her mom again- to ask her about what happens when she leaves treatment. I want to hear her plan. I want to know that Kiya is going to be okay. Then I have to walk away. I hope that will be the end- that we won't ever face the decision of having her again...how crazy does that sound? But we will just pray. Pray that Kiya has a happy and healthy life- that's all we can do.

...on a WAY lighter note, we met Stephanie and Oliver for lunch over the weekend! That will have to be another post- this one is getting dangerously long.

Adoption Blog

Don't ask me why I've been passing time by networking for adoption. You would think I would be taking a break from the whole adoption process right now...but it feels right. I miss Kiya more than I could ever express- I see her little mouth every time I close my eyes...that beautiful little baby....

-sigh-

...anyway...

I started an adoption blog. I would love for you to pass the link on to anyone and everyone you may know. Someone out there knows someone who knows a birth mother, right? You are welcome to leave comments on the blog. However, if you want your comment to be published, please leave it anonymously and sign your name- that way it won't be linked back to your blog. Thanks!

Also, if your on facebook, I started a group called Domestic Adoption- Networking and Support. Please invite ALL your friends to join! Thanks!

Once again, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. We are healing slowly but surely. :)

ETA: I have decided to not allow comments on the adoption blog. Not that we don't want to hear from people- we do!- but email will keep it more private. :)

On the first day of spring...

...this beautiful girl was born. We named her Ellen KyLee. Her birth mother, Jessica, had chosen the name Kiya Lee, and asked us if we could keep Lee in her name- KyLee was her idea for the middle name. She was born just after 11:00 p.m. ...I'll back up...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On Wednesay, March 11, the day after this happened, Jessica called the agency. This was the birth mother we had heard from and then disappeared. She called from a treatment home- she had been there for three weeks after been arrested for meth use (she was on probation). She told the agency she still wanted us to adopt her baby, and that she was being induced on March 23rd. Yep, less than two weeks away! She called me last Friday to set up a plan for us to come meet her during visiting hours on Sunday, the day before she would be induced. Less than two hours after she called we got a call from the treatment home that Jessica had gone into labor and was going into the hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We met the baby about an hour after she was born. They put us in our own room, and she stayed with us. I was a bit reserved, but Davin fell fast in love with her. Everything was going very smoothly- the next morning we found out that Jessica was getting ready to leave the hospital, and that she was going to sign the papers as soon as possible. That was about 11:00 Saturday morning. I'll skip details, but looking back, things starting turning upside down in the next several hours. At about 7:00 in the evening we got a call from our counselor. Jessica had changed her mind. Actually, I think she was strongly influenced by someone else, but it really doesn't matter. Ellen was no longer our baby. And we never got to say goodbye to her. When we found out, she was with Jessica.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, it's okay to be mad at God, right? I'm not sure who else to be mad at, and I feel like I need to be mad at someone. I don't get it. I don't understand it. I think I knew something was off from the moment I met the baby. However, Davin didn't. I hate to see him is so much pain. This sucks. That's all there is too it. Where we go from here, we don't know. In time we will. But for now we'll just leave it at "this sucks". I just hope and pray that Kiya has a happy and healthy life. And I pray that, even though I'm angry at God, he will help me understand this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you everyone for your kindness, and all your thoughts and prayers. They mean the world to us.

I love spring!

73. I LOVE spring. It's my favorite season, by far. I love the mud- it means the GREEN is not far behind. I love the weird smell- I believe that would be the mud. :D I love opening the windows for the first time of the year. I love listening to the obnoxious birds. I love going outside without a jacket. I love feeling the warm sun on my face- and getting sun-kissed cheeks for the first time of the year. I love getting into my car after it has been outside and feeling the heat. I love watching the neighbors wake from winter hibernation- adults out for walks, kids playing. I even, in an odd way, love allergies. Just because it means spring is here!

Hope you're all enjoying your spring!

Allergies Anyone?

I've always had seasonal allergies- meaning from Day 1 of spring until the snow flies. I have about a week or two somewhere in the middle where things settle down. The problem is, they get increasingly worse every year. I used to be able to pop a Sudafed and I was good to go. Then I had to switch to an over-the-counter allergy med. Then it came to prescription meds- last year it came to two presciption meds. So, I've been feeling the beast come on in the past few days, and I've putting off taking those dumb meds. I take enough pills as it is. My question: Any of you wise readers out there have an alternative treatment plan for allergies??? Something that doesn't require me to drop by Target pharmacy every month and fork over a painful co-pay for the ever-annoying pills?

Anyone? I know there are some super-smarties out there!

If you know my dad...

...you know he's forever throwing out puns that make you both laugh and roll your eyes at the same time. My brother Tim posted this forwarded email on K-Chat, and I thought I'd share it with you- it's got Joe written all over it. (Although he didn't actually write it).

Please join me in remembering a great icon in the entertainment industry. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crummy day and kneads a lift.

....this is where you laugh, roll your eyes, and say "Groan".
Happy Monday! :D

I'm here...

...I just want to look at the flower for a bit longer...

Thought of the Day Month

Walking Away

As you may know, we've been dealing with two potential adoption situations. One birth mother chose us, but now she seems to have disappeared. She has not returned emails to me, or calls to the agency. The counselor who met with her said she seemed like she was on her own program, so there is a chance she is just avoiding the paperwork and counseling and will show up when she has the baby- she is due in three weeks. I doubt that will happen, but I guess one never knows.

The other birth mother I've been emailing for about a week or so. I'm not going to go into details on her situation because they don't really matter for the purpose of this post. Basically, there seems to be a lot a "red flags", although she really thinks adoption is the best thing for her baby- she is due in June. I was supposed to call her today (she doesn't have long distance), but could not get a hold of her. This is the second time I've tried. She is extremely busy with school and kids, so it is hard to work out a good time. She has been emailing two other families- I don't know if they have had better luck. I really don't think she is avoiding the calls. All her emails indicate she wants to get a plan settled soon.

I've put so much energy into this situation in the past week, and I realized today that things just didn't feel right. After I tried calling her I laid down and started started praying. I realized I kept saying, "God, please help me understand all of this" over and over. Davin and I talked about all the unknowns of the situation, and I called our adoption counselor. After talking it through with her, the answer was clear. This situation wasn't right for us. We were going to walk away.

-DEEP BREATH- Never would I have thought I would walk away from a situation before getting all the answers we were looking for. But I gotta say, it felt like a huge weight was lifted. An enormous weight. And it felt right. I can't explain it fully, but it was an easy decision. I have no doubt that if she does go through with the adoption, her baby will be raised in a very happy and loving home.

Today Leanne asked me if all adoptions are like this. This roller coaster. This crazy insane ride of emotions. My answer: Nope. But a lot are. When we started the process the agency talked a lot about how things could go. Sometimes people are chosen right away and it goes off without a hitch. Sometimes people don't hear anything for a year, and suddenly they get a call that there is a baby for them. Sometimes it's similar to ours. A lot situations arise, but nothing has panned out. Yet. I keep telling myself, "Hey, people are looking at our profile. People are interested. That's a good thing." Some of the birth mothers we've been in contact with decide adoption isn't the right decision. Or they choose someone over us. Or they just disappear. That one I don't particularly like, but, hey, we don't get a say in that.

Davin and I, we've decided the ideal situation would be a call in the night that there's a baby at the hospital. Come and get your baby. No more drama, please. But we don't get a say in that either.

Shit!

Disclaimer: If you haven't already noticed, this post is a bit unfiltered. Read at your own risk.

I'm going off of Mindi's blog post about filtering. As you can tell by the title, I have already stopped filtering for this post. ...or I'm going to try. And for those of you that are like, -GASP-, she said "shit"!, I say, who hasn't??? And I don't mean that to be rude. Truly. But I know anyone who wishes can stop reading now, or has already chosen not to read. But, come on, you know you're curious. What could this post be about that is titled "Shit"? Right? Well, it's about what's going on in my life right now. The title is mostly for the shock factor. Tee hee.

If you haven't noticed, I haven't had any lengthy or light-hearted blogs in awhile. I haven't been down in the dumps, per say, but I haven't exactly been giddy. Well, except that one day where I went to the MOA, where I got a bit loopy (no, not from the few sips of a margarita), and rode a dinky roller coaster, and laughed, and had a great time with my sister. That was a fun, "let it go" kind of day. Aside from that, life has been a wee bit stressful. Short story long, we *kind of* are working with two birth mothers. The first one chose us, met with the agency, still chose us, and then disappeared. My reaction, "What the f***?" Then I started getting anxious. She's due on March 30th. But she was on some heavy drugs, so I wouldn't be surprised if she already had the baby. So, will we never hear from her again (probably), or does she want to skip the paperwork and counseling and will call us when she has the baby??? I bought a few pink things just in case. (We have a bunch of boy stuff from Nik, but no girl clothes). The other birth mother is due in June- also having a girl. I hopefully will be talking to her for the first time today- we've just emailed. She is (I believe) talking to two other families. So, that's not a for sure.

This adoption stuff is for the birds. For now. I'm know once I'm holding my baby, it will have been worth it.

Onto the filtering subject. I swear more than my fair share. Not all the time. Just when I'm stressed. Or tired. Or hyped up. You should have seen me play Mario Kart on Wii. Every other word coming out of my mouth was a swear word! Note to self: Do not play Mario Kart with nieces and nephews.

And since I'm not filtering, let's talk about the gorgeous diamond earrings Davin got for me a few weeks ago. My dilemma- do I keep them? I mean, they were a gift, but I've lost three diamond earrings in my life. Not three pair- just three. And these ones aren't little ones, by my standard. I don't know that I'm responsible enough to own REAL diamond earrings. I'm tempted to bring them back and upgrade my wedding band instead. Lucky me, Davin doesn't care what I decide to do! I feel bad even contemplating bringing back a gift, but, hey, I'm a girl, and a spoiled one at that! Ouch. That was a zinger to myself. Shame, Laura. ...tempted to delete...no filtering....shit!

Oh, I think that's enough for now. I'm not tired or hyped up, so this post actually turned out pretty mild. Seriously.

When Davin loses his Focus...

Ouch.

Tagged! Self Portrait

I figured it was bound to get around to me...oh well, here I am!!!

Oh, and, yes, my smile is that crooked! :)

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I tag: Julz, Megan, and Elizabeth.

Rules: Take and post 3 self portraits, NOW, no primping or editing.

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P.S. Don't forget to check the picture in the post below this one- Leanne insisted on getting a picture with Louie from Bubba Gump Shrimp at MOA! Kids these days!

Laura, Louie, and Leanne

Need I say more???

Oh, okay, I will! We also rode on the roller coaster!!! And laughed. And acted stupid. And laughed some more. It was a good, fun, FUN day with my sis! (Leanne, for those who don't know- but of course you do!!!)

Oh, and while I was doing this, Davin was driving in St. Cloud and accidentally let another car smash into his car- EEK!!! He's doing good- no injuries other than whiplash. However, because of his lung embolism and being on blood thinners, I am a bit worried. He's gone to bed, but I intend on waking him every few hours...just to be safe... oh, and his car, it didn't come out so well. Smashed good, I hear. Thank God he was okay!

...I love Davin. ...just wanted to tell you all! :)

My happy heart

So, the Tupperware fundraiser was tonight. The turnout was great! I'll be honest- this has been a rough week for me. There has been adoption stuff going on- two birth mothers, a million unanswered questions- I won't go there right now. I had a slight (maybe a bit more than) panic attack this morning. Davin was in a meeting so I called my mom and she talked to me until my breathing regulated and I could drift to sleep. I felt a bit on edge driving out to the party, but once people started arriving all anxiety was gone. It was so great to see people come and support Gregory and his family. It was SO great to see people I haven't seen in years. By the time I left, my heart was singing. ...that's a cheesy phrase. But, truly, my heart was so happy. It was so wonderful to witness the good and kindness of people. It was amazing to me. So tonight I will go to sleep not thinking about the stress of adoption, but about Gregory, and how lucky he is to not only have a wonderful, loving family to take care of him, but also an entire community rooting for him. Yep, my heart is happy.

Again, THANK YOU to Greta and Angie!!!

Tupperware Fundraiser TONIGHT

Come one, come all!!! I mean, there's gotta be some locals that read my blog, right? If you already bought your Thatsa Bowl, and your cupboards are fully stocked with Tupperware storage, come anyway! There will be goodies- who can pass that up??? Many people have asked about donating to Gregory's Benefit account at First National Bank. Well, there will be a collection just for that at the party! So, come socialize, show your support, and enjoy a brownie! Look forward to seeing you! :)

Open House at Dassel City Hall
6:30-8:30 p.m.